Twelfth Night Read online

  Reads

  SIR TOBY Give me. 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou

  art but a scurvy135 fellow.'

  FABIAN Good, and valiant.

  Reads

  SIR TOBY 'Wonder not, nor admire137 not in thy mind,

  why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

  FABIAN A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the139

  law.

  Reads

  SIR TOBY 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my

  sight she uses thee kindly. But thou liest in thy throat142, that is

  not the matter I challenge thee for.'

  Aside

  FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense-- less.

  Reads

  SIR TOBY 'I will waylay thee going home, where if it

  be thy chance to kill me'--

  FABIAN Good.

  Reads

  SIR TOBY 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'

  FABIAN Still you keep o'th'windy149 side of the law. Good.

  Reads

  SIR TOBY 'Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon

  one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my

  hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest152

  him, and thy sworn enemy,

  Andrew Aguecheek.'

  If this letter move155 him not, his legs cannot. I'll give't him.

  MARIA You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in

  some commerce157 with my lady, and will by and by depart.

  SIR TOBY Go, Sir Andrew. Scout me158 for him at the corner of

  the orchard like a bumbaily159: so soon as ever thou see'st him,

  draw, and as thou draw'st swear horrible160, for it comes to pass

  oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply

  twanged off, gives manhood more approbation162 than ever

  proof163 itself would have earned him. Away!

  SIR ANDREW Nay, let me alone164 for swearing.

  Exit

  SIR TOBY Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behaviour of

  the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity166

  and breeding. His employment between his lord and my

  niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so

  excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth. He

  will find it comes from a clodpole.170 But, sir, I will deliver his

  challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable

  report of valour, and drive the gentleman, as I know his

  youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous173 opinion of his

  rage, skill, fury and impetuosity. This will so fright them both

  that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.175

  Enter Olivia and Viola

  FABIAN Here he comes with your niece. Give them way176 till

  he take leave, and presently177 after him.

  SIR TOBY I will meditate the while upon some horrid178 message

  for a challenge.

  [Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria]

  OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone

  And laid mine honour too unchary181 on't.

  There's something in me that reproves my fault,

  But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

  That it but mocks reproof.

  VIOLA With the same 'haviour that your passion bears185

  Goes on my master's griefs.

  OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel187 for me, 'tis my picture.

  Refuse it not. It hath no tongue to vex you.

  And I beseech you come again tomorrow.

  What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,

  That honour saved191 may upon asking give?

  VIOLA Nothing but this: your true love for my master.

  OLIVIA How with mine honour may I give him that

  Which I have given to you?

  VIOLA I will acquit195 you.

  OLIVIA Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well.

  A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

  [Exit]

  Enter Toby and Fabian

  SIR TOBY Gentleman, God save thee.

  VIOLA And you, sir.

  SIR TOBY That defence thou hast, betake200 thee to't. Of what

  nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not, but

  thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody202 as the hunter, attends

  thee at the orchard-end. Dismount thy tuck, be yare203 in thy

  preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

  VIOLA You mistake, sir, I am sure. No man hath any

  quarrel to me: my remembrance206 is very free and clear from

  any image of offence done to any man.

  SIR TOBY You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if

  you hold your life at any price209, betake you to your guard, for

  your opposite210 hath in him what youth, strength, skill and

  wrath can furnish man withal.211

  VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he?

  SIR TOBY He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on213

  carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls

  and bodies hath he divorced three, and his incensement215 at

  this moment is so implacable that satisfaction216 can be none

  but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word217:

  give't or take't.

  VIOLA I will return again into the house and desire some

  conduct220 of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some

  kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste221

  their valour. Belike this is a man of that quirk.222

  SIR TOBY Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very

  competent224 injury: therefore, get you on and give him his

  desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake

  that226 with me which with as much safety you might answer

  him: therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked, for

  meddle you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron228

  about you.

  VIOLA This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you do me

  this courteous office, as to know of231 the knight what my

  offence to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing

  of my purpose.

  SIR TOBY I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this

  gentleman till my return.

  Exit Toby

  VIOLA Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

  FABIAN I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a

  mortal arbitrement238, but nothing of the circumstance more.

  VIOLA I beseech you what manner of man is he?

  FABIAN Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read240 him by

  his form, as you are like241 to find him in the proof of his valour.

  He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite

  that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will

  you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I

  can.

  VIOLA I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that

  had rather go with sir priest than sir knight. I care not who

  knows so much of my mettle.248

  Exeunt

  Enter Toby and Andrew

  SIR TOBY Why, man, he's a very devil. I have not seen such a

  firago. I had a pass250 with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he

  gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion251 that it is

  inevitable. And on the answer, he pays you252 as surely as your

  feet hits the ground they step on. They say he has been

  fencer to the Sophy.254

  SIR ANDREW Pox255 on't, I'll not meddle with him.

  SIR TOBY Ay,
but he will not now be pacified. Fabian can

  scarce hold257 him yonder.

  SIR ANDREW Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and

  so cunning in fence, I'd have seen him damned ere259 I'd have

  challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I'll give him

  my horse, grey Capilet.

  SIR TOBY I'll make the motion.262 Stand here, make a good show on't.--

  Aside

  This shall end without the perdition of souls.263

  Marry, I'll ride264 your horse as well as I ride you.

  Enter Fabian and Viola

  Aside to Fabian

  I have his horse to take up265 the quarrel. I have

  persuaded him the youth's a devil.

  FABIAN He is as horribly conceited267 of him, and pants and

  looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

  To Viola

  SIR TOBY There's no remedy, sir, he will fight with

  you for's oath270 sake. Marry, he hath better bethought him of

  his quarrel271, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking

  of: therefore draw for the supportance of his vow. He protests272

  he will not hurt you.

  Aside

  VIOLA Pray God defend me! A little thing would274

  make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

  To Viola

  FABIAN Give ground if you see him furious.

  SIR TOBY Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy. The gentleman

  will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you. He cannot

  by the duello279 avoid it. But he has promised me, as he is a

  gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on, to't.

  SIR ANDREW Pray God he keep his oath!

  Enter Antonio

  To Fabian/They draw their swords

  VIOLA I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

  ANTONIO Put up283 your sword. If this young gentleman

  Have done offence, I take the fault on me.

  If you offend him, I for him defy you.

  SIR TOBY You, sir? Why, what are you?

  ANTONIO One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more

  Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

  They draw

  SIR TOBY Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for289 you.

  Enter Officers

  FABIAN O, good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers.

  To Antonio

  SIR TOBY I'll be with you anon.291

  To Sir Andrew

  VIOLA Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

  SIR ANDREW Marry, will I, sir. And for that293 I promised you, I'll be

  as good as my word. He will bear you easily and reins294 well.

  Indicates Antonio

  FIRST OFFICER This is the man; do thy office.

  SECOND OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit296 of Count

  Orsino.

  ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir.

  FIRST OFFICER No, sir, no jot. I know your favour299 well,

  Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.

  Take him away: he knows I know him well.

  To Viola

  ANTONIO I must obey.-- This comes with seeking you.

  But there's no remedy, I shall answer303 it.

  What will you do, now my necessity

  Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me

  Much more for what I cannot do for you

  Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed307;

  But be of comfort.

  SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, away.

  To Viola

  ANTONIO I must entreat of you some of that money.

  VIOLA What money, sir?

  For the fair kindness you have showed me here,

  And part313 being prompted by your present trouble,

  Out of my lean and low ability

  I'll lend you something. My having315 is not much.

  I'll make division of my present316 with you.

  Offers money

  Hold, there's half my coffer.317

  ANTONIO Will you deny318 me now?

  Is't possible that my deserts319 to you

  Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt320 my misery,

  Lest that it make me so unsound321 a man

  As to upbraid you with those kindnesses

  That I have done for you.

  VIOLA I know of none,

  Nor know I you by voice or any feature.

  I hate ingratitude more in a man

  Than lying, vainness327, babbling, drunkenness,

  Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption

  Inhabits our frail blood.

  ANTONIO O heavens themselves!

  SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, I pray you go.

  ANTONIO Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here

  I snatched one half out of the jaws of death,

  Relieved him with such sanctity334 of love,

  And to his image335, which methought did promise

  Most venerable worth336, did I devotion.

  FIRST OFFICER What's that to us? The time goes by. Away!

  ANTONIO But O, how vile an idol proves this god.

  Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature339 shame.

  In nature there's no blemish but the mind.

  None can be called deformed but the unkind.341

  Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil

  Are empty trunks o'erflourished343 by the devil.

  FIRST OFFICER The man grows mad. Away with him! Come,

  come, sir.

  ANTONIO Lead me on.

  Exit [with Officers]

  Aside

  VIOLA Methinks his words do from such passion fly,

  That he believes himself, so do not I.

  Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,

  That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

  SIR TOBY Come hither, knight. Come hither, Fabian. We'll

  They stand aside

  whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage352

  saws.353

  VIOLA He named Sebastian. I my brother know

  Yet living in my glass355, even such and so

  In favour was my brother, and he went356

  Still in this fashion, colour, ornament357,

  For him I imitate. O, if it prove358,

  Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.

  [Exit]

  SIR TOBY A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward360

  than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend

  here in necessity and denying him. And for his cowardship,

  ask Fabian.

  FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious364 in it.

  SIR ANDREW 'Slid365, I'll after him again and beat him.

  SIR TOBY Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

  SIR ANDREW An I do not--

  FABIAN Come, let's see the event.368

  SIR TOBY I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.369

  Exeunt

  Act 4 Scene 1

  running scene 14

  Enter Sebastian and Clown [Feste]

  FESTE Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

  SEBASTIAN Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow.

  Let me be clear of thee.

  FESTE Well held out4, i'faith! No, I do not know you, nor I

  am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with

  her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my

  nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

  SEBASTIAN I prithee vent8 thy folly somewhere else. Thou

  know'st not me.

  FESTE Vent my folly! He has heard that word of10 some great

  man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid

  this great lubber the world will prove a cockney.12 I prithee

  now ungird thy strangeness13 and tell me what I shall vent to

&nb
sp; my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

  Gives money

  SEBASTIAN I prithee, foolish Greek15, depart

  from me. There's money for thee. If you tarry16 longer, I shall

  give worse payment.17

  FESTE By my troth, thou hast an open18 hand. These wise

  men that give fools money get themselves a good report19--

  after fourteen years' purchase.20

  Enter Andrew, Toby and Fabian

  SIR ANDREW Now, sir, have I met you again?

  Strikes Sebastian

  There's for you.

  SEBASTIAN Why, there's for thee, and there, and

  Beats Sir Andrew

  there. Are all the people mad?

  SIR TOBY Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

  FESTE This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in26

  some of your coats for twopence.

  [Exit]

  SIR TOBY Come on, sir, hold.28

  SIR ANDREW Nay, let him alone. I'll go another way to work with

  him. I'll have an action of battery30 against him, if there be

  any law in Illyria. Though I struck him first, yet it's no

  matter for that.

  SEBASTIAN Let go thy hand.

  SIR TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young

  soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed.35 Come on.

  SEBASTIAN I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If

  thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

  SIR TOBY What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two

  of this malapert39 blood from you.

  Enter Olivia

  OLIVIA Hold, Toby. On thy life I charge thee, hold!

  SIR TOBY Madam!

  OLIVIA Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,

  Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

  Where manners ne'er were preached! Out of my sight!--

  Be not offended, dear Cesario.--

  Rudesby46, be gone!

  [Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian]

  I prithee, gentle friend46,

  Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway

  In this uncivil and unjust extent48

  Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,

  And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks

  This ruffian hath botched up51, that thou thereby

  Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.

  Do not deny. Beshrew53 his soul for me,

  He started one poor heart54 of mine in thee.

  Aside

  SEBASTIAN What relish55 is in this? How runs the stream?

  Or56 I am mad, or else this is a dream.

  Let fancy still my sense in Lethe57 steep.

  If it be thus to dream, still58 let me sleep!

  OLIVIA Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou'dst59 be ruled by me!

  SEBASTIAN Madam, I will.

  OLIVIA O, say so, and so be!

  Exeunt

  Act 4 Scene 2

  running scene 15