Twelfth Night Read online

  Enter Maria and Clown [Feste]

  Hands him a gown and beard

  MARIA Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this

  beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas2

  the curate. Do it quickly. I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.3

  [Exit]

  FESTE Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble4 myself in't,

  and I would I were the first that ever dissembled5 in such a

  Puts on gown and beard

  gown. I am not tall enough to become6 the

  function7 well, nor lean enough to be thought a

  good student. But to be said8 an honest man and a good

  housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful9 man and a great

  scholar. The competitors10 enter.

  Enter Toby [and Maria]

  SIR TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

  FESTE Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague12

  that never saw pen and ink very wittily said to a niece of King13

  Gorboduc, 'That that is, is.' So I, being Master Parson, am

  Master Parson; for what is 'that' but 'that', and 'is' but 'is'?

  SIR TOBY To him, Sir Topas.

  FESTE What, ho, I say? Peace in this prison.

  SIR TOBY The knave counterfeits well, a good knave.

  Within

  MALVOLIO Who calls there?

  FESTE Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio

  the lunatic.

  MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

  FESTE Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest23 thou this man!

  Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

  SIR TOBY Well said, Master Parson.

  MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir

  Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in

  hideous darkness.

  FESTE Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most

  modest terms30, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use

  the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house31 is

  dark?

  MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

  FESTE Why it hath bay windows transparent as

  barricadoes, and the clerestories35 toward the south north are

  as lustrous as ebony, and yet complainest thou of

  obstruction?

  MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this house is

  dark.

  FESTE Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but

  ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled41 than the

  Egyptians in their fog.42

  MALVOLIO I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though

  ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never

  man thus abused.45 I am no more mad than you are. Make the

  trial of it in any constant question.46

  FESTE What is the opinion of Pythagoras47 concerning wild

  fowl?

  MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might happily49 inhabit

  a bird.

  FESTE What think'st thou of his opinion?

  MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his

  opinion.

  FESTE Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou

  shalt hold th'opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy55

  wits, and fear to kill a woodcock56, lest thou dispossess the soul

  of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

  MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

  SIR TOBY My most exquisite59 Sir Topas!

  FESTE Nay, I am for all waters.60

  MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and

  gown. He sees thee not.

  SIR TOBY To63 him in thine own voice, and bring me word how

  thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If

  he may be conveniently delivered65, I would he were, for I am

  now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue

  with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by67 to

  my chamber.

  Exeunt [Sir Toby and Maria]

  Sings

  FESTE 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,

  Tell me how thy lady does.'

  MALVOLIO Fool!

  Sings

  FESTE 'My lady is unkind, perdy.72'

  MALVOLIO Fool!

  Sings

  FESTE Alas, why is she so?'

  MALVOLIO Fool, I say!

  Sings

  FESTE 'She loves another'-- Who calls, ha?

  MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my

  hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper. As I am a

  gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

  FESTE Master Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO Ay, good fool.

  FESTE Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?82

  MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously83 abused. I

  am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

  FESTE But85 as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no

  better in your wits than a fool.

  MALVOLIO They have here propertied87 me, keep me in darkness,

  send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face88 me

  out of my wits.

  FESTE Advise you90 what you say. The minister is here.--

  As Sir Topas

  Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!

  Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.92

  MALVOLIO Sir Topas!

  As Sir Topas

  FESTE Maintain no words with him, good

  As himself

  fellow.-- Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God buy you95, good

  Sir Topas.--

  As Sir Topas

  Marry, amen.--

  As himself

  I will, sir, I will.

  MALVOLIO Fool, fool, fool, I say!

  FESTE Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent100

  for speaking to you.

  MALVOLIO Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I

  tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

  FESTE Well-a-day104 that you were, sir.

  MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and

  light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall

  advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

  FESTE I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad

  indeed? Or do you but counterfeit?

  MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

  FESTE Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.

  I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

  MALVOLIO Fool, I'll requite113 it in the highest degree. I prithee be

  gone.

  FESTE I am gone, sir,

  Sings

  And anon, sir,

  I'll be with you again,

  In a trice118,

  Like to the old Vice119,

  Your need to sustain,

  Who, with dagger of lath121,

  In his rage and his wrath,

  Cries 'Aha!' to the devil,

  Like a mad lad,

  Pare thy nails, dad.125

  Adieu, goodman126 devil.

  Exit

  Act 4 Scene 3

  running scene 16

  Enter Sebastian

  SEBASTIAN This is the air, that is the glorious sun,

  Holds up a pearl

  This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't.

  And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

  Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?

  I could not find him at the Elephant.

  Yet there he was, and there I found this credit6,

  That he did range7 the town to seek me out.

  His counsel now might do me golden service,

  For tho
ugh my soul disputes well9 with my sense

  That this may be some error but no madness,

  Yet doth this accident11 and flood of fortune

  So far exceed all instance, all discourse12,

  That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

  And wrangle14 with my reason that persuades me

  To any other trust15 but that I am mad,

  Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,

  She could not sway her house17, command her followers,

  Take and give back affairs and their dispatch18

  With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

  As I perceive she does. There's something in't

  That is deceivable.21 But here the lady comes.

  Enter Olivia and Priest

  OLIVIA Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

  Now go with me and with this holy man

  Into the chantry by24: there, before him,

  And underneath that consecrated roof,

  Plight me the full assurance of your faith26,

  That my most jealous27 and too doubtful soul

  May live at peace. He shall conceal it

  Whiles you are willing it shall come to note29,

  What time we will our celebration30 keep

  According to my birth.31 What do you say?

  SEBASTIAN I'll follow this good man, and go with you,

  And having sworn truth, ever will be true.

  OLIVIA Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shine,

  That they may fairly note35 this act of mine!

  Exeunt

  Act 5 Scene 1

  running scene 17

  Enter Clown [Feste] and Fabian

  FABIAN Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

  FESTE Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

  FABIAN Anything.

  FESTE Do not desire to see this letter.

  FABIAN This is to give a dog and in recompense desire my5

  dog again.

  Enter Duke [Orsino], Viola, Curio and Lords

  ORSINO Belong you to the lady Olivia, friends?

  FESTE Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.8

  ORSINO I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

  FESTE Truly, sir, the better for10 my foes and the worse for my

  friends.

  ORSINO Just the contrary, the better for thy friends.

  FESTE No, sir, the worse.

  ORSINO How can that be?

  FESTE Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me.

  Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes,

  sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am

  abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four18

  negatives make your two affirmatives, why then, the worse

  for my friends and the better for my foes.

  ORSINO Why, this is excellent.

  FESTE By my troth, sir, no, though22 it please you to be one of

  my friends.23

  Gives a coin

  ORSINO Thou shalt not be the worse for me.

  There's gold.

  FESTE But26 that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you

  could make it another.

  ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel.

  FESTE Put your grace in your pocket29, sir, for this once, and

  let your flesh and blood obey it.30

  Gives another coin

  ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to31 be

  a double-dealer. There's another.

  FESTE Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play33, and the old

  saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex34, sir, is a good

  tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet35, sir, may put

  you in mind: one, two, three.

  ORSINO You can fool no more money out of me at this

  throw.38 If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with

  her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty

  further.

  FESTE Marry, sir, lullaby41 to your bounty till I come again. I

  go, sir. But I would not have you to think that my desire of

  having is the sin of covetousness. But as you say, sir, let your

  bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.

  Exit

  Enter Antonio and Officers

  VIOLA Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

  ORSINO That face of his I do remember well,

  Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmeared

  As black as Vulcan48 in the smoke of war.

  A bawbling49 vessel was he captain of,

  For shallow draught and bulk unprizeable50,

  With which such scathful grapple51 did he make

  With the most noble bottom52 of our fleet,

  That very envy and the tongue of loss53

  Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

  FIRST OFFICER Orsino, this is that Antonio

  That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy56,

  And this is he that did the Tiger57 board

  When your young nephew Titus lost his leg;

  Here in the streets, desperate59 of shame and state,

  In private brabble60 did we apprehend him.

  VIOLA He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side61,

  But in conclusion put strange speech upon me.62

  I know not what 'twas but distraction.63

  ORSINO Notable64 pirate! Thou salt-water thief!

  What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,

  Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear66,

  Hast made thine enemies?

  ANTONIO Orsino, noble sir,

  Be pleased that I69 shake off these names you give me.

  Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,

  Though I confess, on base71 and ground enough,

  Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither.

  That most ingrateful boy there by your side

  From the rude74 sea's enraged and foamy mouth

  Did I redeem. A wreck past hope he was.

  His life I gave him and did thereto add

  My love, without retention77 or restraint,

  All his in dedication.78 For his sake

  Did I expose myself -- pure79 for his love --

  Into the danger of this adverse80 town,

  Drew to defend him when he was beset,

  Where being apprehended, his false cunning --

  Not meaning to partake with me in danger --

  Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance84,

  And grew a twenty years removed thing85

  While one would wink, denied me mine own purse,

  Which I had recommended87 to his use

  Not half an hour before.

  VIOLA How can this be?

  ORSINO When came he to this town?

  ANTONIO Today, my lord. And for three months before,

  No interim, not a minute's vacancy,

  Both day and night did we keep company.

  Enter Olivia and Attendants

  ORSINO Here comes the countess. Now heaven walks on earth.

  But for95 thee, fellow -- fellow, thy words are madness.

  Three months this youth hath tended upon me.

  But more of that anon. Take him aside.

  OLIVIA What would my lord, but that he may not have98,

  Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?

  Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

  VIOLA Madam?

  ORSINO Gracious Olivia--

  OLIVIA What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord103--

  VIOLA My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.

  OLIVIA If it be aught105 to the old tune, my lord,

  It is as fat and fulsome106 to mine ear

  As howling after music.

  ORSINO Still so cruel?

  OLIVIA Still so constant, lord.

  ORSINO What, to perve
rseness? You uncivil110 lady,

  To whose ingrate and unauspicious111 altars

  My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out

  That e'er devotion tendered!113 What shall I do?

  OLIVIA Even what it please my lord that shall become114 him.

  ORSINO Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,

  Like to th'Egyptian thief116 at point of death,

  Kill what I love? -- a savage jealousy

  That sometimes savours nobly.118 But hear me this:

  Since you to non-regardance119 cast my faith,

  And that120 I partly know the instrument

  That screws121 me from my true place in your favour,

  Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.

  But this your minion123, whom I know you love,

  And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender124 dearly,

  Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,

  Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.126

  Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe in mischief127:

  I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,

  To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

  Starts to leave

  VIOLA And I, most jocund, apt130 and willingly,

  To do you rest131, a thousand deaths would die.

  Starts to leave

  OLIVIA Where goes Cesario?

  VIOLA After him I love

  More than I love these eyes, more than my life,

  More, by all mores135, than e'er I shall love wife.

  If I do feign, you witnesses above

  Punish my life for tainting of137 my love!

  OLIVIA Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled!138

  VIOLA Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?

  OLIVIA Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?

  Call forth the holy father.

  [Exit an Attendant]

  To Viola

  ORSINO Come, away!

  OLIVIA Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.

  ORSINO Husband?

  OLIVIA Ay, husband. Can he that deny?

  ORSINO Her husband, sirrah?146

  VIOLA No, my lord, not I.

  OLIVIA Alas, it is the baseness148 of thy fear

  That makes thee strangle thy propriety149

  Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up.

  Be that151 thou know'st thou art, and then thou art

  As great as that thou fear'st.152

  Enter Priest

  O, welcome, father!

  Father, I charge thee by thy reverence

  Here to unfold155, though lately we intended

  To keep in darkness what occasion now

  Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know

  Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

  PRIEST A contract of eternal bond of love,

  Confirmed by mutual joinder160 of your hands,

  Attested by the holy close161 of lips,

  Strengthened by interchangement of your rings,

  And all the ceremony of this compact163

  Sealed in my function164, by my testimony.

  Since when, my watch165 hath told me, toward my grave

  I have travelled but two hours.

  To Viola

  ORSINO O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be

  When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?168