A Midsummer Night #nofilter Read online

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Random House Children’s Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  Hardcover ISBN 9780553538823

  eBook ISBN 9780553538830

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  v4.1

  a

  For Kristina (KPT) , who always makes me laugh even when life gets crazy

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Who’s Who

  Act 1

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Act 2

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Act 3

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Act 4

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Act 5

  Scene 1

  The 411 for Those Not in the Know

  Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book

  About the Authors

  Who’s Who

  Four lovers

  Hermia

  Lysander

  Helena

  Demetrius

  Theseus, duke of Athens

  Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons

  Egeus, Hermia’s dad

  Philostrate, Theseus’s party planner

  Bottom, a weaver (and an actor)

  Quince, a carpenter (and a director)

  Flute, a bellows mender (WTF? Also an actor)

  Snout, a tinker (and an actor)

  Snug, a joiner

  Starveling, a tailor

  Oberon, king of the fairies

  Titania, queen of the fairies

  Puck, a mischievous sprite

  Titania’s fairy servants

  Peaseblossom

  Cobweb

  Mote

  Mustardseed

  [Scene 1]

  Theseus

  OMG, I can’t wait to get married!

  Four more days! I’m not sure I can last that long.

  Hippolyta

  me neith! 4 more sleeps. it’ll be here before u know it.

  Theseus

  I have a special for you: I’ve hired actors to put on a play in our honor.

  Hippolyta

  rly?? o, babe. u r 2 good 2 me!

  g2g. i’ve used up like 50% of my data this month, ugh. h8 payin’ those fees!

  Theseus

  No prob, qt. It’s going to be THE party of the year.

  Group text: Egeus, Theseus, Hermia

  Egeus

  Good day, Theseus. Can you see this?

  Theseus

  Hey, pal. I can see this. Why the ?

  Egeus

  I don’t know. My daughter, Hermia, downloaded this app onto my . I’m still learning!

  Theseus

  Ha! So, what’s up?

  Egeus

  I am so ! It’s Hermia, actually.

  Demetrius has my permission to marry her. But apparently she’s in love with Lysander.

  It’s ridiculous! This isn’t how her future is supposed to be.

  I’m in quite a .

  Theseus

  Think you mean pickle. That’s a cactus.

  Egeus

  I told you, I don’t know what I’m doing!

  Anyway, can I exercise my right as her father and make her obey me? Either she listens to me and marries Demetrius …or I have her killed, tbh.

  Hermia

  DAD! You know you started a group chat, right?

  I can see everything you’re writing. INCLUDING KILLING ME.

  Egeus

  Oops. I told you I wasn’t ready for this kind of !

  Theseus

  Is this true, Hermia? You know the rules. Listen to your . Demetrius is a good man.

  Hermia

  So is Lys! Dad just won’t take the to get to know him.

  Theseus

  Sure. But you have to what your father is saying. ~Fathers know best.~ There’s a whole day dedicated to them in June, ya know.

  Let Demetrius put a on it, won’t cha?

  Hermia

  Ugh, but no one things the way I them.

  What’s the worst thing that will happen if I don’t marry Dem?

  Theseus

  You’ll either be put to death , or you’ll have to become a nun. Sorry not sorry.

  Hermia

  FINE. I’d rather waste away than marry someone I’m not into.

  Theseus

  Why don’t you take some more to think about this?

  Tell ya what, four days from now—eee, btw when I get married! —I’ll give you three choices: 1) you marry Demetrius, 2) you become a nun, or 3) ya die.

  Hermia

  These choices suck!

  Why are you so quick to agree with my without even considering my feelings?

  Theseus

  Hmm. You make a good point. I need to know what Demetrius and Lysander have to say about all this. Let’s get them in on this group chat. Will you text them, Egeus? If you can figure it out, that is.

  Egeus has invited Demetrius and Lysander into the group message.

  Egeus

  Demetrius?

  Demetrius

  Egeus! To what do I owe this pleasure?

  Egeus

  I GOT THE HANG OF IT!

  Kind of.

  Anyway…Demetrius! My main man. Tell Theseus what you told me about Hermia.

  Demetrius

  Well, to make a long story short…I want to marry my sweetie!

  And I want Lysander to Back. The Eff. Off.

  Lysander

  Dude. NMF. If you and her father each other so much, why don’t YOU two get married?

  Theseus, I’m just as good as Demetrius. And Hermia actually wants me, which should count for something.

  Egeus

  I don’t know about that.

  Lysander

  Demetrius isn’t as innocent or good as you think he is. He’s no .

  Did you know that he made that poor girl Helena fall in love with him? Yep. That innocent girl is head over for him even though he wants nothing to do with her!

  Demetrius

  Oh, PLEASE.

  Demetrius

  That is and you know it.

  Theseus

  Actually, Demetrius, I had heard rumors of that. Thx for confirming, Lysander. I think we need to chat offline.

  Hermia

  HA!

  Theseus

  But I’m sorry, Hermia. We have to go by the law. Either you marry Demetrius…or get thee to a nunnery.

  LOL! Sorry. Heard that in a play recently and have wanted to say it ever since.

  You have four days to decide. TTYL!

  Hermia

  Lysander

  What’s wrong, boo? I’m so sorry about that whole thing.

  Hermia


  This whole situation blows.

  Lysander

  I know. But lots of have to put up with before they can get married.

  Sometimes they come from different backgrounds.

  Hermia

  Right. A “she’s too rich and he’s too poor” kind of love story. Got it.

  Lysander

  Or age is the problem.

  Hermia

  Yes, she’s barely 14 and he’s pushing 40. Like that would happen. ::eye roll::

  Lysander

  Or the parents don’t want them together.

  Hermia

  Gee, THAT doesn’t sound familiar at all.

  Lysander

  My point is, there are lots of hurdles when it comes to . But it usually works out in the end.

  Hermia

  Promise?

  Maybe we just have to be patient.

  Lysander

  That’s the spirit! I have a plan.

  My gold digger of an aunt lives twenty miles away. Let’s leave Athens and go THERE to get married. Athens’s laws won’t be able to touch us there.

  Sneak out tomorrow night and meet me in the outside of town.

  Hermia

  I’ll be there. I love you so much, Lys!

  Hermia

  Hey, beautiful!

  Helena

  me?? ya right. if i’m so beautiful, then why doesn’t demetrius like me?

  why can’t i be more like u? why can’t i BE u? then he’d want me for sure.

  Hermia

  Girl, calm down. You know I DO NOT want Dem.

  Helena

  but he still loves u! the more i love him, the more he hates me, i swear.

  Hermia

  Don’t worry about Dem and me, k? I’m looking out for you. #yesallwomen

  I texted you because I’m running away with Lys tomorrow.

  I can’t stay in Athens anymore. Pray for Lys and me! And I’ll pray that Dem finally realizes he loves you as much as you love him!

  Helena

  wish i may, wish i might, have this wish i wish tonight. thinkin of my bestie! & hopin for the i to finally recognize me. xo

  REPLY

  [Scene 2]

  Group text: Quince, Bottom, Flute, Starveling, Snout, Snug

  Quince

  Hi, everyone! I’m so pumped to talk to you guys today about an exciting opportunity! You’re the best actors I know in all of Athens, which means I need you to be in the play we’re going to put on for Theseus and Hippolyta’s wedding! It’s gonna be perfect.

  Bottom

  Bottom here, reporting for duty!

  I heard about their wedding, but I had no idea we’d get to be part of it. Cool. Tell us about the play. Who’s going to get some starring roles?

  Quince

  It’s called “A Very Tragic Comedy About the Horrible Deaths of Pyramus and Thisbe.”

  Isn’t that delightful

  Bottom

  Hilarious! I’m dying of laughter. Now, srsly, the roles?

  Quince

  Since you’re so eager, Bottom, you’ll be playing the , Pyramus.

  Bottom

  Who dat? Is he an or a ?

  Quince

  He’s a good guy.

  Who kills himself for love.

  Bottom

  Ooh, drama. Guess I’ll haftahave to break out the waterworks.

  NP. I’ll make that audience feel every I shed.

  Quince

  Flute, you’ll be Thisbe.

  Flute

  OMG, yesss. The other person in the play’s title! Guess I’m a too.

  Who is he?

  Quince

  Thisbe is the Pyramus loves.

  Flute

  I’m playing a WOMAN??

  But I’ve been growing a BEARD! #practicingformovember

  Quince

  It’s fiiine. You’ll wear a mask and you’ll raise your voice as high as you can. So glad you’re on board!

  Starveling, you’ll be Thisbe’s mother.

  Starveling

  Aw, I birthed you, Flute.

  Flute

  Quince

  Snout, you’ll be Pyramus’s father.

  Snout

  LOL. K.

  Quince

  And, Snug, you’ll be the lion!

  Snug

  That’s a tiger.

  Quince

  Same difference!

  And that’s the whole cast! It’s going to be marvelous.

  Snug

  Do you have my lines ready? I need to start memorizing!

  Quince

  Ooh. About that. You don’t have any lines, just sound effects. Lots of roaring. You can improvise!

  Bottom

  Let me play the lion! Grrr. In fact, I’ll play ALL the parts—even Thisbe!

  Quince

  Nope. You’re the only one handsome enough to play Pyramus.

  Bottom

  Snug

  Snout

  Starveling

  Flute

  Quince

  Terrific! So happy we’re all on the same page.

  I’ll email your scripts. Please memorize your lines by tomorrow night. Meet me in the and we’ll rehearse. Be there or be , LOL. JK!

  [Scene 1]

  Oberon

  Soooo…wanna explain what’s going on?

  That new from India should be one of my knights, not hanging out with you.

  Titania

  I can’t even with you.

  Oberon

  Excuse me. As my wife, you’re supposed to, IDK, listen to me!

  Titania

  You’re pulling the MARRIAGE card? OK, then! Maybe you’d like to explain why you’re sooo in with Hippolyta. You keep leaving our to woo her, and everyone knows it.

  Oberon

  HDU. Also, you’re such a hypocrite. As if you aren’t completely into Theseus. Psh. You’ve sabotaged all his relationships because of it.

  Titania

  Liiiiiies!

  I’m so tired of arguing. It keeps interrupting every meeting I have with my fairies. And because of it, everything has been all mixed up since the beginning of summer. The is off its axis! All the seasons are screwed up.

  #hotmess

  Oberon

  Fix it, then!

  By letting the new kid hang out with my friends and me.

  Titania

  No way. I promised his I’d take care of him right before she died giving birth to him. A little detail you like to overlook.

  Oberon

  I’m over you. How long are you staying in the forest?

  Titania

  IDK. Maybe until after Theseus’s marriage.

  The fairies and I are celebrating tonight. I guess you can come if you get over yourself. Otherwise, leave us alone and we’ll do the same for you.