A Midsummer Night #nofilter Read online

  Oberon

  Hand over the and I’ll party with you.

  Titania

  BYE.

  Oberon

  Puck! Hey, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. How’s it going?

  Puck

  Dandy! What’s up?

  Oberon

  I was just thinking …and I remembered something. One night I saw Cupid aim his bow and shoot an arrow at a girl, but she was too busy to notice and I watched the arrow fall and hit a .

  I kinda sorta maybe definitely need that now. I showed it to you once. Remember?

  Puck

  Okeydoke, but why?

  Oberon

  Because, tbh, if you rub it onto someone’s while they’re , then when they wake up, they’ll fall in with the first person they see.

  Bring it to me quickly, please.

  Puck

  Aye-aye, captain.

  HA! Once I have that , I’ll use it on Titania while she’s asleep. After she falls in with whatever she first—even if it’s a , , or —I’ll promise to cure her with the other plant that I have—only if she agrees to let me have the . Easy, breezy. Nothing can go wrong!

  Puck has checked into a flower garden in the forest.

  Demetrius has checked into the forest.

  Helena has checked into two trees behind Demetrius.

  Demetrius

  Are you following me

  Helena

  uhhh

  Demetrius

  I see you behind that .

  You have GOT to stop stalking me.

  Helena

  nmf. i’m so crazy about u. u hold this power over me!

  i can’t let go until u let go of me.

  Demetrius

  WTF. I tell you constantly that I. Don’t. Love. You. Never have, never will. Is that #closure enough?

  Helena

  if it wasn’t for me, u wouldn’t even know about hermia and lysander running away. so yw.

  Demetrius

  And I’ve been going in trying to find them. Were you really lying? Was this a trick to be alone with me?

  Helena

  no, i swear! i’m like ur little . i’m always going to follow u around. it’s kinda cute, y/y?

  Demetrius

  Ugh, you make me .

  You shouldn’t be here, you know, all alone in the woods.

  Helena

  i’m not alone if ur here.

  Demetrius

  I wish a wild would eat you. You’re so annoying!

  Helena

  ur crueler than any , so it’s nbd.

  Demetrius

  OMG. That’s it. I’m leaving.

  And you better not follow me!

  Helena

  this is so messed up. u should be the one chasing me, u know!

  Oberon

  Hey, buddy! Did you get the ?

  Puck

  Yep! I’ll bring it over in a sec.

  Oberon

  Awesome! I want you to keep some of it as well.

  I’m going to find Titania. But with your part, I need you to do me a favor.

  I overheard a couple fighting in the forest just now. Can you perform a little switcheroo? Find the man from Athens, and make sure you rub a huge amount of the on his . He’ll be chasing her for once, hehehe. TTYL!

  [Scene 2]

  Titania

  Woo-hoo! Can’t wait to and celebrate all night long! Twist, twirl, shake it off…and then my fairies will sing me to sleep. I LOVE love! Congrats, T+H!

  Theseus, Hippolyta, and 5 others like this.

  REPLY

  Hippolyta: Thx, sweetie! xoxo

  Oberon has checked into Titania’s chambers.

  Great—she’s asleep. Now to squeeze this into her . When you wake up, you’ll love whatever you see first. Even if it’s a . TT4N.

  Lysander and Hermia have checked into a part of the forest they swear they’ve seen before.

  Lysander has checked into a grassy knoll.

  Hermia has checked into a cozy bush a few trees away from Lysander.

  Lysander

  Hey, what are you doing all the way over there?

  Hermia

  IDK. Maybe we shouldn’t sleep so close together.

  Lysander

  Sorry! I wasn’t trying to get fresh with you—promise.

  I just think it would be nice to finally be close to each other. The whole night.

  Two , one sweet spot.

  Hermia

  Ooh, you flirt. I’m almost convinced.

  But it’s better this way. We have to be good until we’re married.

  Lysander

  Amen. Sweet dreams!

  Lysander

  Can’t find my way out of Athens, but at least I get to sleep next to my bae. —feeling lost

  REPLY

  Puck has checked into the forest.

  I’ve been running around this forest all day and I haven’t seen anyone from Athens! I’m exhausted. Aha! A couple sleeping. So this must be the guy who doesn’t love this girl. I know what to do. Hope this makes you fall in love with her so hard that you’ll never sleep again.

  Demetrius has checked into a different part of the forest.

  Helena

  can u plz slow down?? i can’t keep up w/u.

  Helena has checked into four trees behind Demetrius.

  Demetrius

  You’re more attached to me than my own shadow! Get a clue. I’m trying to lose you.

  Helena

  fine. leave me here in the dark. idc n-e-more.

  Demetrius

  Great! Bye!!

  Helena

  life is a bottomless pit. i’ll never be good enuf for him—feeling bummed.

  Helena and two others like this.

  REPLY

  Helena has checked into the grassy brush.

  Helena

  lysander, is that u? u awake?

  Lysander

  YAWN. I was just resting my eyes.

  Wait.

  Helena, is that you over there?

  How have I never noticed before? You’re so beautiful! You’re as bright as the today!

  Is Demetrius with you? I could kill him for the way he treats you!

  Helena

  y? it doesn’t matter. he luvs hermia, but she luvs u.

  u don’t have n-e-thing to worry about. ur lucky. be happy w/hermia.

  Lysander

  Happy with Hermia Yeah right.

  She is capital B booorrring. I don’t even like her, let alone love her.

  In fact, I love YOU, Helena!

  Helena

  stop! stahp!!!

  y does everyone think it’s ok to make fun of me and treat me so badly?

  i can’t handle this abuse. l8r.

  Lysander

  Wait! I mean it. You have my heart!

  Look, I’m leaving Hermia behind right now. She’s too sweet anyway. She gives me a stomachache.

  Hasta la vista, Hermia.

  Hermia

  Mmm. I slept so peacefully, sweetie.

  Lys? You there?

  WTF. WHERE ARE YOU? LYS? HELLO???

  You can’t hide forever. I’ll find you! Or die trying!

  [Scene 1]

  Chat Server

  Quince: Everyone ready?

  Quince: The forest is the perfect place to rehearse. There’s so much space.

  Bottom: Uh, Quince?

  Quince: What’s up, B?

  Bottom: There are parts of this play that will never work.

  Bottom: At one point, Pyramus tries to kill himself with a . That’s gonna upset the audience.

  Snout:

  Starveling: Mabes we should leave out all the death scenes.

  Bottom: Well, that’s boring. I’ve got an idea.

  Bottom: Someone should write a prologue that’s all “Yeah, there are in this play, but no one is ACTUALLY hurt. Pyramus isn’t really , and I’m only PRETENDING to be Pyramus.” That’ll clear things up!

  Quince: We can write that.


  Snout: What about Snug as the ? Isn’t that gonna scare people too?

  Snug: OK, you keep using the tiger for the lion.

  Bottom: I see your point, Snout . Nothing scarier than a wild .

  Snout: So we’ll need two prologues.

  Bottom: And he should also say something at the beginning like, “No worries! I’m not a real . It’s me—Snug!”

  Quince: Awesome! That’s settled. But what are we going to do about the lighting?

  Quince: Pyramus and Thisbe meet by .

  Snout: Hmm, is it going to be a clear night when we perform?

  Bottom: Let’s look up the five-day forecast.

  Quince: I’m on it.

  Chat Server

  Quince: Excellent! We’re in the clear.

  Bottom: Perf. So we’ll leave a window open so some light can shine in.

  Quince: K, but there’s still one other thing. There’s supposed to be a big wall. In the play, Pyramus and Thisbe talk through a in a wall.

  Snout: We’ll never be able to bring a WALL in. Right, B?

  Bottom: No, but someone can act like a wall! We’ll just need to cover him in something big ’n’ bulky and have him hold out his like this.

  Quince: Sounds great! Can we start rehearsing now?

  Bottom:

  Snug:

  Snout:

  Starveling:

  Flute:

  Bottom, Quince, Flute, Snug, Snout, and Starveling have checked into the forest.

  Quince

  OK, “Pyramus,” you’re up first. After you’ve said your lines, go hide in that .

  Everyone else, take your places.

  And action!

  Puck

  I never knew the forest could be so fun! Randomly stumbled upon a play rehearsal. It’s hilariously bad! Gonna secretly record this and type it up for you guys later—feeling mischievous.

  Theseus, Hippolyta, and 7 others like this.

  REPLY

  Puck

  OK, here it is!! I kept my observations in too. Enjoy!

  REPLY

  This Better Be a Dress Rehearsal

  Quince: Ahem, Bottom, you missed your cue. You’re Pyramus.

  Bottom: Oh, right.

  Bottom: I’ll take it from: “Thisbe, come here, with odious smells.”

  Quince: No, no. Not odious. ODORS.

  Bottom: Oops, my b.

  Bottom: with odors and smells as sweet as your breath. What’s that I hear? A voice? BRB.

  Puck

  K, Bottom is the worst Pyramus I’ve ever seen. Wait. I have a brilliant idea. I’m going to turn him into something else…hehehe.

  REPLY

  — This Better Be a Dress Rehearsal —

  Flute: My turn?

  Quince: Yes! As Thisbe, you’re supposed to show that you understand what Pyramus is doing.

  Flute: Pyramus, you are the best. I’ll meet you at Ninny’s grave!

  Quince: NINUS’S grave. Ugh, amateurs.

  Quince: Bottom, you missed your cue again. You’re supposed to come back.

  Bottom: HERE I AM!

  Quince: Ahhh! Everyone, run! It’s a monster!

  Bottom: Hello? Where are you?

  Puck

  Don’t worry, guys. I’m sticking with Bottom! I won’t abandon him. I’ll follow him wherever he goes, but I’ll stay out of sight.

  REPLY

  — This Better Be a Dress Rehearsal —

  Bottom: Very funny, guys. Ha-ha. You can come back.

  Snout and Quince have checked into the bushes near the rehearsal grounds.

  — This Better Be a Dress Rehearsal —

  Snout: B, you’ve changed! What’s on your head?

  Bottom: Rude! This is the face I was born with. Why are you acting like a fool?

  Snout: Excuse me You’re freaking me out. See ya.

  Quince: Gotta agree, Bottom. Enough fooling around. I expect you to be professional the next time we rehearse.

  Bottom: Why are you guys messing with me? I’m not falling for it! I’m just gonna keep singing without a care. AWAY from you punks.

  Titania

  Oberon thinks I’m in love with Theseus? Yeah, right. I’ll show him. #neverhurtstolook

  REPLY

  FAIRY FLING

  info

  Titania

  Woke up to an on my FF app! What a great way to start the day!

  REPLY

  FAIRY FLING

  info

  FAIRY FLING MESSAGE

  Titania

  Who are you? You’re so handsome!

  I know this will sound cuh-razy, but…I think I believe in love at first sight.

  Bottom

  Who, me? Uh, I’m not sure there’s any reason to be in with me. Don’t you think you’re moving a little fast?

  Then again, nothing makes a whole lotta sense when it comes to love.

  Titania

  Beautiful AND smart. Cha-ching!

  Bottom

  If I’m so smart, why can’t I figure out this app?

  Titania

  It finds people based on their location. We must be close! Are you in the ?

  Bottom

  Yes, and I don’t know how to get out of it!

  Titania

  You can’t leave until I find you. I love you!

  My name’s Titania. I’m the fairy in charge of summer. If you come with me, I’ll give you everything you want! Want to live forever? NP! And the other fairies will serve you. Lemme reach out to them.

  Group text: Titania, Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, Mustardseed, Bottom

  Titania

  Heya!

  Peaseblossom

  Hi!

  Cobweb

  hey

  Moth

  Hello, everyone.

  Mustardseed

  HI HI HI!!!

  Titania

  HUGE favor! Please take care of this handsome man, Bottom.

  We’re in love, and he should be treated like royalty.

  Thanks so much! Love you!

  Peaseblossom

  Hi, Bottom!

  Cobweb

  hey

  Moth

  Hello, new boy.

  Mustardseed

  IT’S SO NICE TO MEET YOU!!!

  Bottom

  Nice to meet all of you. I hope we get to know each other a little better.

  Titania

  You will! Everyone, take good care of my love. TTYS!

  [Scene 2]

  Oberon

  Puck! Whattya been to?

  Puck

  Umm, a lot! Lemme break it down for ya.

  Titania is in love with a ! While she was sleeping, a bunch of “actors” came by to rehearse a play for Theseus’s wedding. The wackiest one, Bottom, went off alone to wait for his next cue…and then I stuck a donkey’s head on him! Just for kicks.