Twelfth Night Read online

  I had rather hear you to solicit107 that

  Than music from the spheres.108

  VIOLA Dear lady--

  OLIVIA Give me leave110, beseech you. I did send,

  After the last enchantment you did here,

  A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse112

  Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you.

  Under your hard construction114 must I sit,

  To force115 that on you, in a shameful cunning,

  Which you knew none of yours. What might you think?

  Have you not set mine honour at the stake117

  And baited it with all th'unmuzzled thoughts

  That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving119

  Enough is shown: a cypress120, not a bosom,

  Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak.

  VIOLA I pity you.

  OLIVIA That's a degree123 to love.

  VIOLA No, not a grize, for 'tis a vulgar proof124,

  That very oft we pity enemies.

  OLIVIA Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.126

  O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!

  If one should be a prey, how much the better

  To fall before the lion129 than the wolf!

  Clock strikes

  The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.

  Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:

  And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,

  Your wife is like to reap a proper133 man.

  There lies your way, due west.

  VIOLA Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition135

  Attend your ladyship!

  You'll137 nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

  OLIVIA Stay.

  I prithee tell me what thou think'st of me.

  VIOLA That you do think you are not what you are.140

  OLIVIA If I think so, I think the same of you.

  VIOLA Then think you right: I am not what I am.

  OLIVIA I would you were as I would have you be.

  VIOLA Would it be better, madam, than I am?

  I wish it might, for now I am your fool.145

  OLIVIA O, what a deal146 of scorn looks beautiful

  In the contempt and anger of his lip!

  A murd'rous guilt shows not itself more soon

  Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.149

  Cesario, by the roses of the spring,

  By maidhood151, honour, truth and everything,

  I love thee so that, maugre152 all thy pride,

  Nor153 wit nor reason can my passion hide.

  Do not extort thy reasons from this clause154,

  For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause155,

  But rather reason thus with reason fetter156:

  Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.

  VIOLA By innocence I swear, and by my youth,

  I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,

  And that no woman has, nor never none

  Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.

  And so adieu, good madam. Never more

  Will I my master's tears to you deplore.163

  OLIVIA Yet come again, for thou perhaps mayst move

  That heart which now abhors, to like his love.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 2

  running scene 11

  Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian

  SIR ANDREW No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

  SIR TOBY Thy reason, dear venom2, give thy reason.

  FABIAN You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

  SIR ANDREW Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the

  count's servingman than ever she bestowed upon me. I saw't

  i'th'orchard.6

  SIR TOBY Did she see thee the while7, old boy? Tell me that.

  SIR ANDREW As plain as I see you now.

  FABIAN This was a great argument9 of love in her toward

  you.

  SIR ANDREW 'Slight, will you make an ass o'me?

  FABIAN I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths12 of

  judgement and reason.

  SIR TOBY And they have been grand-jurymen since before

  Noah15 was a sailor.

  FABIAN She did show favour to the youth in your sight only

  to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse17 valour, to put

  fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should

  then have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new19

  from the mint, you should have banged20 the youth into

  dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was

  balked. The double gilt22 of this opportunity you let time wash

  off, and you are now sailed into the north23 of my lady's

  opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman's

  beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt

  either of valour or policy.26

  SIR ANDREW An't be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I

  hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.28

  SIR TOBY Why, then, build me29 thy fortunes upon the basis of

  valour. Challenge me30 the count's youth to fight with him.

  Hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall take note of it. And

  assure thyself, there is no love-broker32 in the world can more

  prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of

  valour.

  FABIAN There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

  SIR ANDREW Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

  SIR TOBY Go, write it in a martial hand. Be curst37 and brief: it is

  no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention.38

  Taunt him with the licence of ink. If thou thou'st39 him some

  thrice, it shall not be amiss. And as many lies40 as will lie in thy

  sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the

  bed of Ware42 in England, set 'em down. Go, about it. Let there

  be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen43,

  no matter. About it.

  SIR ANDREW Where shall I find you?

  SIR TOBY We'll call thee at the cubiculo46. Go.

  Exit Sir Andrew

  FABIAN This is a dear manikin47 to you, Sir Toby.

  SIR TOBY I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand48

  strong, or so.

  FABIAN We shall have a rare50 letter from him; but you'll not

  deliver't?

  SIR TOBY Never trust me, then. And by all means stir on the

  youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale53

  them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find

  so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat

  the rest of th'anatomy.56

  FABIAN And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage57 no

  great presage58 of cruelty.

  Enter Maria

  SIR TOBY Look where the youngest wren59 of mine comes.

  MARIA If you desire the spleen60, and will laugh yourselves

  into stitches, follow me. Yond gull61 Malvolio is turned

  heathen, a very renegado62; for there is no Christian that

  means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such

  impossible passages of grossness.64 He's in yellow stockings.

  SIR TOBY And cross-gartered?

  MARIA Most villainously: like a pedant66 that keeps a school

  i'th'church. I have dogged67 him like his murderer. He does

  obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him: he

  does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map69

  with the augmentation of the Indies. You have not seen such

  a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear71 hurling things at him. I

  know my lady will strike him. If she do
, he'll smile and take't

  for a great favour.

  SIR TOBY Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 3

  running scene 12

  Enter Sebastian and Antonio

  SEBASTIAN I would not by my will have troubled you,

  But since you make your pleasure of your pains,

  I will no further chide3 you.

  ANTONIO I could not stay behind you: my desire,

  More sharp than filed5 steel, did spur me forth,

  And not all love to see you, though so much6

  As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,

  But jealousy8 what might befall your travel,

  Being skill-less in these parts, which to a stranger9,

  Unguided and unfriended, often prove

  Rough and unhospitable. My willing love,

  The rather12 by these arguments of fear,

  Set forth in your pursuit.

  SEBASTIAN My kind Antonio,

  I can no other answer make but thanks,

  And thanks, and ever oft16 good turns

  Are shuffled off with such uncurrent17 pay.

  But were my worth, as is my conscience, firm18,

  You should find better dealing.19 What's to do?

  Shall we go see the relics20 of this town?

  ANTONIO Tomorrow, sir. Best first go see your lodging.

  SEBASTIAN I am not weary, and 'tis long to night.

  I pray you let us satisfy our eyes

  With the memorials and the things of fame

  That do renown25 this city.

  ANTONIO Would you'd pardon me.

  I do not without danger walk these streets.

  Once in a sea-fight gainst the count his galleys28

  I did some service, of such note indeed,

  That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answered.30

  SEBASTIAN Belike31 you slew great number of his people.

  ANTONIO Th'offence is not of such a bloody nature,

  Albeit33 the quality of the time and quarrel

  Might well have given us bloody argument.34

  It might have since been answered35 in repaying

  What we took from them, which for traffic's36 sake,

  Most of our city did. Only myself stood out,

  For which, if I be lapsed38 in this place,

  I shall pay dear.

  SEBASTIAN Do not then walk too open.40

  ANTONIO It doth not fit41 me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.

  Gives his purse

  In the south suburbs, at the Elephant42,

  Is best to lodge. I will bespeak our diet43,

  Whiles you beguile44 the time and feed your knowledge

  With viewing of the town. There shall you have45 me.

  SEBASTIAN Why I your purse?

  ANTONIO Haply your eye shall light upon some toy47

  You have desire to purchase, and your store48,

  I think, is not for idle markets49, sir.

  SEBASTIAN I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you

  For an hour.

  ANTONIO To th'Elephant.

  SEBASTIAN I do remember.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 4

  running scene 13

  Enter Olivia and Maria

  Aside

  OLIVIA I have sent after him1: he says he'll come.

  How shall I feast him? What bestow of2 him?

  For youth is bought more oft than begged or borrowed.

  I speak too loud.--

  Where's Malvolio? He is sad and civil5,

  And suits well for a servant with my fortunes.

  Where is Malvolio?

  MARIA He's coming, madam, but in very strange manner.

  He is sure possessed9, madam.

  OLIVIA Why, what's the matter? Does he rave?

  MARIA No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your

  ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he

  come, for sure the man is tainted in's wits.

  Maria goes to call Malvolio

  OLIVIA Go call him hither.-- I am as mad as he,

  If sad and merry madness equal be.

  Enter Malvolio [cross-gartered and in yellow stockings]

  How now, Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho.

  OLIVIA Smilest thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

  MALVOLIO Sad19, lady? I could be sad: this does make some

  obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering, but what of

  that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true

  sonnet is, 'Please one, and please all'.22

  OLIVIA Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with

  thee?

  MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It25

  did come to his26 hands, and commands shall be executed. I

  think we do know the sweet Roman hand.27

  OLIVIA Wilt thou go to bed28, Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO To bed? Ay, sweetheart, and I'll come to thee.

  OLIVIA God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss30

  thy hand so oft?

  MARIA How do you, Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO At your request! Yes, nightingales answer daws.33

  MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness

  before my lady?

  MALVOLIO 'Be not afraid of greatness.' 'Twas well writ.

  OLIVIA What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

  MALVOLIO 'Some are born great'--

  OLIVIA Ha?

  MALVOLIO 'Some achieve greatness'--

  OLIVIA What say'st thou?

  MALVOLIO 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

  OLIVIA Heaven restore thee!

  MALVOLIO 'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings'--

  OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings?

  MALVOLIO 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

  OLIVIA Cross-gartered?

  MALVOLIO 'Go to, thou art made, if thou desirest to be so'--

  OLIVIA Am I made?

  MALVOLIO 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

  OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer51 madness.

  Enter Servant

  SERVANT Madam, the young gentleman of the count Orsino's

  is returned. I could hardly entreat him back. He attends53 your

  ladyship's pleasure.

  OLIVIA I'll come to him.

  [Exit Servant]

  Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin

  Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him. I

  would not have him miscarry58 for the half of my dowry.

  Exeunt [Olivia and Maria]

  MALVOLIO O, ho! Do you come near59 me now? No worse man

  than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the

  letter: she sends him on purpose that I may appear stubborn

  to him, for she incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy

  humble slough,' says she, 'be opposite with a kinsman, surly

  with servants, let thy tongue tang with arguments of state,

  put thyself into the trick of singularity.' And consequently65

  sets down the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend66

  carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note67, and

  so forth. I have limed68 her, but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make

  me thankful. And when she went away now, 'Let this fellow

  be looked to.' Fellow? Not Malvolio, nor after my degree70, but

  fellow. Why, everything adheres together, that no dram71 of a

  scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous72

  or unsafe73 circumstance -- What can be said? Nothing that

  can be can come between me and the full prospect of my

  hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be

  thanked.

  Enter Toby, Fabian and Maria

  SIR
TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the

  devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion78 himself possessed

  him, yet I'll speak to him.

  FABIAN Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir? How

  is't with you, man?

  MALVOLIO Go off. I discard you. Let me enjoy my private.82 Go off.

  MARIA Lo, how hollow83 the fiend speaks within him! Did not

  I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a84 care of him.

  MALVOLIO Ah, ha, does she so?

  SIR TOBY Go to, go to. Peace, peace. We must deal gently with

  him. Let me alone.87-- How do you, Malvolio? How is't with

  you? What, man, defy the devil! Consider, he's an enemy to

  mankind.

  MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?

  MARIA La91 you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it

  at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!

  FABIAN Carry his water to th'wise woman.93

  MARIA Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I

  live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

  MALVOLIO How now, mistress?

  MARIA O Lord!

  SIR TOBY Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do you

  not see you move99 him? Let me alone with him.

  FABIAN No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is

  rough, and will not be roughly used.

  SIR TOBY Why, how now, my bawcock?102 How dost thou,

  chuck?103

  MALVOLIO Sir!

  SIR TOBY Ay, Biddy105, come with me. What, man, 'tis not for

  gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul106

  collier!

  MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to

  pray.

  MALVOLIO My prayers, minx?

  MARIA No, I warrant you he will not hear of godliness.

  MALVOLIO Go, hang yourselves all! You are idle112 shallow things.

  I am not of your element.113 You shall know more hereafter.

  Exit

  SIR TOBY Is't possible?

  FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now, I could

  condemn it as an improbable fiction.

  SIR TOBY His very genius117 hath taken the infection of the

  device, man.

  MARIA Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and119

  taint.

  FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

  MARIA The house will be the quieter.

  SIR TOBY Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound.123

  My niece is already in the belief that he's mad. We may carry124

  it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very

  pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on

  him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar127 and

  crown thee for a finder of madmen.128 But see, but see.

  Enter Sir Andrew

  FABIAN More matter for a May morning.129

  Shows a paper

  SIR ANDREW Here's the challenge, read it. I warrant130

  there's vinegar and pepper in't.

  FABIAN Is't so saucy?132

  SIR ANDREW Ay, is't, I warrant133 him. Do but read.