The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

  she list, all is as she will, and truly she deserves it, for if there

  be a kind107 woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her

  your page, no remedy.

  FALSTAFF Why, I will.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then, and, look you, he may

  come and go between you both: and in any case have a nay-111

  word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy

  never need to understand anything, for ’tis not good that

  children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,

  have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

  FALSTAFF Fare thee well, commend me to them both. There’s

  my purse: I am yet thy debtor.— Boy, go along with this

  woman.

  [Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin]

  This news distracts119 me.

  PISTOL This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers120.

  Clap on more sails, pursue, up with your fights121,

  Give fire. She is my prize, or ocean whelm122 them all!

  [Exit]

  FALSTAFF Say’st thou so, old Jack123? Go thy ways: I’ll make more

  of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after124

  thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now

  a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly126

  done, so it be fairly127 done, no matter.

  [Enter Bardolph, with a goblet]

  BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Broom below would

  fain129 speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath

  sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

  FALSTAFF Broom is his name?

  BARDOLPH Ay, sir.

  FALSTAFF Call him in.

  [Exit Bardolph]

  Such Brooms are welcome to me, that o’erflows such liquor.

  Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed135

  you? Go to, via136!

  [Enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised, carrying a bag of money]

  FORD Bless you, sir.

  FALSTAFF And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

  FORD I make bold to press with so little preparation139 upon

  you.

  FALSTAFF You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave141,

  drawer142.

  [Exit Bardolph]

  FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my

  name is Broom.

  FALSTAFF Good Master Broom, I desire more acquaintance

  of you.

  FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge147 you, for

  I must let you understand I think myself in better plight148 for a

  lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened

  me to this unseasoned150 intrusion. For they say, if money go

  before, all ways do lie open.

  FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on152.

  FORD Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me.

  If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or

  Sets it down

  half, for easing me of the carriage155.

  FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

  FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

  FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Broom: I shall be glad to be your

  servant.

  FORD Sir, I hear you are a scholar — I will be brief with

  you — and you have been a man long known to me, though

  I had never so good means as desire to make myself

  acquainted with you. I shall discover163 a thing to you, wherein

  I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But,

  good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you

  hear them unfolded, turn another into the register166 of your

  own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith167 you

  yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

  FALSTAFF Very well, sir, proceed.

  FORD There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s

  name is Ford.

  FALSTAFF Well, sir.

  FORD I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed

  much on her: followed her with a doting observance174,

  engrossed opportunities to meet her, fee’d175 every slight

  occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her: not

  only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely177

  to many to know what she would have given178. Briefly, I have

  pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the

  wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either

  in my mind or in my means, meed181 I am sure I have received

  none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an

  infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

  ‘Love like a shadow flies when substance184 love pursues,

  Pursuing that that flies185, and flying what pursues.’

  FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction186 at her

  hands?

  FORD Never.

  FALSTAFF Have you importuned189 her to such a purpose?

  FORD Never.

  FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then?

  FORD Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so

  that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I

  erected194 it.

  FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

  FORD When I have told you that, I have told you all.

  Some say that though she appear honest197 to me, yet in other

  places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd198

  construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of

  my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,

  admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic201 in your

  place and person, generally allowed202 for your many war-like,

  court-like and learned preparations203.

  FALSTAFF O, sir!

  FORD Believe it, for you know it. There is

  Points to the bag

  money: spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have, only

  give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an

  amiable208 siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art

  of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you

  may as soon as any.

  FALSTAFF Would it apply well to211 the vehemency of your

  affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks

  you prescribe to yourself very preposterously213.

  FORD O, understand my drift214: she dwells so securely on

  the excellency of her honour that the folly215 of my soul dares

  not present itself. She is too bright to be looked against216. Now,

  could I come to her with any detection217 in my hand, my

  desires had instance218 and argument to commend themselves:

  I could drive her then from the ward219 of her purity, her

  reputation, her220 marriage-vow, and a thousand other her

  defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against

  me. What say you to’t, Sir John?

  FALSTAFF Master Broom, I will first make bold with your

  money. Next, give me your hand. And last, as

  Takes the bag

  I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.

  FORD O, good sir!

  FALSTAFF I say you shall.

  FORD Want228 no money, Sir John: you shall want none.

  FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master Broom, you shall

  want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own

  appointment. Even as you came in to
me, her assistant or go-

  between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten

  and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her

  husband will be forth234. Come you to me at night: you shall

  know how I speed235.

  FORD I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know

  Ford, sir?

  FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him not.

  Yet I wrong him to call him poor: they say the jealous

  wittolly knave hath masses of money, for the which240 his wife

  seems to me well-favoured241. I will use her as the key of the

  cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest-home242.

  FORD I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid

  him if you saw him.

  FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter245 rogue! I will stare

  him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall

  hang like a meteor247 o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Broom,

  thou shalt know I will predominate248 over the peasant, and

  thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s

  a knave, and I will aggravate his style250. Thou, Master Broom,

  shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at

  night.

  [Exit]

  FORD What a damned Epicurean253 rascal is this? My heart is

  ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident254

  jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the

  match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the

  hell of having a false257 woman: my bed shall be abused, my

  coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at, and I shall not

  only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the259

  adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this

  wrong. Terms, names! Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well:261

  Barbason, well: yet they are devils’ additions262, the names of

  fiends. But Cuckold? Wittol? Cuckold? The devil himself hath

  not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure264 ass. He will trust his

  wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming265 with

  my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an

  Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk267 my

  ambling gelding268, than my wife with herself. Then she plots,

  then she ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in

  their hearts they may effect — they will break their hearts

  but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy!

  Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be

  revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better

  three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie!

  Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

  Exit

  Act 2 Scene 3

  running scene 7

  Enter Caius and Rugby

  CAIUS Jack Rugby!

  RUGBY Sir?

  CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack?

  RUGBY ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to

  meet.

  CAIUS By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come. He

  has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come. By gar, Jack Rugby,

  he is dead already, if he be come.

  RUGBY He is wise, sir. He knew your worship would kill

  him, if he came.

  CAIUS By gar, de herring is no dead, so as11 I vill kill

  Draws

  him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

  RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

  CAIUS Villainy14, take your rapier.

  RUGBY Forbear. Here’s company.

  Caius sheathes his sword

  [Enter Host, Shallow, Slender and Page]

  HOST Bless thee, bully doctor.

  SHALLOW ’Save17 you, Master Doctor Caius.

  PAGE Now, good master doctor.

  SLENDER Give you good morrow, sir.

  CAIUS Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

  HOST To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse21,

  to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee pass thy punto,22

  thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant23. Is he dead,

  my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco24? Ha, bully! What says

  my Aesculapius, my Galen, my heart of elder25? Ha? Is he dead,

  bully stale26? Is he dead?

  CAIUS By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de vorld. He is

  not show his face.

  HOST Thou art a Castalion king-urinal. Hector of Greece29,

  my boy!

  CAIUS I pray you bear witness that me have stay, six or

  seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

  SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer of

  souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight, you go

  against the hair35 of your professions. Is it not true, Master

  Page?

  PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great

  fighter, though now a man of peace.

  SHALLOW Bodykins39, Master Page, though I now be old and of

  the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one40.

  Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master

  Page, we have some salt42 of our youth in us. We are the sons

  of women, Master Page.

  PAGE ’Tis true, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page.— Master Doctor

  Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace.

  You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh

  hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You

  must go with me, Master Doctor.

  HOST Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Monsieur Mockwater50.

  CAIUS Mock-vater? Vat is dat?

  HOST Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

  CAIUS By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as de

  Englishman. Scurvy Jack-dog54 priest! By gar, me vill cut his

  ears.

  HOST He will clapper-claw56 thee tightly, bully.

  CAIUS Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

  HOST That is, he will make thee amends.

  CAIUS By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for,

  by gar, me vill have it.

  HOST And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

  CAIUS Me tank you for dat.

  HOST And, moreover, bully— but first,

  Speaks aside with Shallow, Page and Slender

  Master guest, and Master Page, and eke

  Cavaliero Slender, go you through the

  town to Frogmore66.

  PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he?

  HOST He is there. See what humour he is in. And I will

  bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

  SHALLOW We will do it.

  PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER Adieu, good Master Doctor.

  [Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender]

  CAIUS By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a jack-72

  an-ape to Anne Page.

  HOST Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience, throw cold

  water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through

  Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a

  farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt woo her. Cried game77,

  said I well?

  CAIUS By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I love you, and

  I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de

  lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

  HOST For the which I will be thy adversary82 toward Anne

  Page. Said I well?

&
nbsp; CAIUS By gar, ’tis good, vell said.

  HOST Let us wag, then.

  CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 1

  running scene 8

  Enter Evans and Simple.

  Evans with a sword in one hand and a book in the other, Simple carrying Evans’ gown

  EVANS I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,

  and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked

  for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic3?

  SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward4, every

  way: Old Windsor5 way, and every way but the town way.

  EVANS I most fehemently desire you, you will also look

  that way.

  SIMPLE I will, sir.

  Steps aside and keeps watch

  EVANS Pless my soul, how full of chollors9 I am, and

  trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me.

  How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals11 about his

  knave’s costard12 when I have good opportunities for the ’ork.

  Pless my soul!

  To shallow rivers, to whose falls14

  Sings

  Melodious birds sings madrigals15.

  There will we make our peds of roses,

  And a thousand fragrant posies.

  To shallow—

  Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

  Melodious birds sing madrigals.

  Sings

  When as I sat in Pabylon21

  — And a thousand vagram22 posies.

  To shallow, etc.

  SIMPLE Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

  EVANS He24’s welcome.

  To shallow rivers, to whose falls—

  Sings

  Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

  SIMPLE No weapons28, sir. There comes my master, Master

  Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the

  stile, this way.

  Enter Page, Shallow and Slender

  EVANS Pray you give me my gown, or else keep it in your

  arms.

  Reads his Bible

  SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir

  Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student

  from his book, and it is wonderful.

  SLENDER Ah, sweet Anne Page!

  Aside?

  PAGE ’Save you, good Sir Hugh!

  EVANS ’Pless you from38 his mercy sake, all of you!