The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

  MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page, trust me28, I was going to your

  house.

  MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look

  very ill31.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have32 to show to the

  contrary.

  MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind.

  MISTRESS FORD Well, I do then: yet I say I could show you to the

  contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

  MISTRESS PAGE What’s the matter, woman?

  MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect38,

  I could come to such honour!

  MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour. What

  is it? Dispense with trifles: what is it?

  MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell42 for an eternal moment

  or so, I could be knighted.

  MISTRESS PAGE What? Thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These knights

  will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy45

  gentry.

  MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight47. Here, read,

  Gives letter to Mistress Page

  read. Perceive how I might be knighted. I shall

  think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make49

  difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not swear,

  praised women’s modesty, and gave such orderly and well-

  behaved reproof to all uncomeliness52, that I would have

  sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of53 his

  words. But they do no more adhere and keep place together

  than the hundred Psalms to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’55.

  What tempest, I trow, threw this whale — with so many tuns56

  of oil in his belly — ashore at Windsor? How shall I be

  revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain58 him

  with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his

  own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

  MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and

  Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill62

  opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter.

  Shows her own letter

  But let thine inherit64 first, for I protest mine never

  shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ

  with blank space for different names — sure, more — and

  these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of

  doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the press68, when he

  would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under

  Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles70

  ere71 one chaste man.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same: the

  Compares the two letters

  very hand73, the very words. What doth he think

  of us?

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost ready to

  wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain76 myself like

  one that I am not acquainted withal: for, sure, unless he

  know some strain78 in me that I know not myself, he would

  never have boarded me in this fury79.

  MISTRESS FORD ‘Boarding’, call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him

  above deck81.

  MISTRESS PAGE So will I: if he come under my hatches82, I’ll never

  to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him. Let’s appoint him a

  meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit84 and lead him

  on with a fine-baited85 delay, till he hath pawned his horses to

  mine host of the Garter.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against

  him that may not sully the chariness88 of our honesty. O, that

  my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his

  jealousy.

  MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my good man

  too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause,

  and that — I hope — is an unmeasurable distance.

  MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.

  MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy knight.

  Come hither.

  They withdraw

  [Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nim]

  FORD Well, I hope it be not so.

  PISTOL Hope is a curtal98 dog in some affairs.

  Sir John affects99 thy wife.

  FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young.

  PISTOL He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

  Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

  He loves the gallimaufry, Ford, perpend103.

  FORD Love my wife?

  PISTOL With liver burning hot. Prevent105,

  Or go thou like Sir Actaeon106, he

  With Ringwood at thy107 heels.

  O, odious is the name108!

  FORD What name, sir?

  PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell.

  Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot111 by night.

  Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds112 do sing.

  Away113, Sir Corporal Nim!

  Believe it, Page, he speaks sense.

  [Exit]

  FORD I will be patient. I will find out this.

  Aside To Page

  NIM And this is true, I like not the humour

  of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should117

  have borne the humoured letter to her, but I have a sword,

  and it shall bite upon my necessity119. He loves your wife:

  there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nim. I

  speak and I avouch ’tis true: my name is Nim, and Falstaff

  loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and122

  cheese. Adieu.

  [Exit]

  PAGE ‘The humour of it’, quoth a124! Here’s a fellow frights

  English out of his125 wits.

  FORD I will seek out Falstaff.

  PAGE I never heard such a drawling, affecting127 rogue.

  FORD If I do find it128 — well.

  PAGE I will not believe such a Cataian, though129 the priest

  o’th’town commended him for a true man.

  FORD ’Twas a good sensible fellow — well.

  PAGE How now, Meg?

  Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward

  MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George?

  Hark you.

  MISTRESS FORD How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy?

  FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you

  home, go.

  MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crotchets138 in thy head

  now.— Will you go, Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE Have with you140.— You’ll come to dinner,

  George?—

  Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this

  paltry knight.

  Aside to Mistress Ford

  [Enter Mistress Quickly]

  MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it144.

  Aside to Mistress Page

  MISTRESS PAGE You are come to see my daughter

  Anne?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and I pray how does good

  Mistress Anne?

  MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an hour’s talk

  with you.

  [Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Mistress Quickly]

  PAGE How now, Master Ford?

  FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

  PAGE Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

  FORD Do you think there is truth in them?

  PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would

  offer156 it. But these that accuse him in his inten
t towards our

  wives are a yoke157 of his discarded men: very rogues, now they

  be out of service.

  FORD Were they his men?

  PAGE Marry, were they.

  FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie161 at the

  Garter?

  PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage163

  toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him, and what he

  gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head165.

  FORD I do not misdoubt166 my wife, but I would be loath to

  turn them167 together. A man may be too confident. I would

  have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.

  PAGE Look where my ranting169 host of the Garter comes:

  there is either liquor in his pate170 or money in his purse, when

  he looks so merrily.

  [Enter Host]

  How now, mine host?

  HOST How now, bully-rook? Thou’rt a gentleman.

  [Enter Shallow]

  Cavaliero174 Justice, I say!

  SHALLOW I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty175,

  good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with us? We have

  sport in hand.

  HOST Tell him, Cavaliero Justice: tell him, bully-rook.

  SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the

  Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

  FORD Good mine host o’th’Garter, a word

  They speak apart

  with you.

  HOST What sayst thou, my bully-rook?

  SHALLOW Will you go with us to behold it? My merry

  To Page

  host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I think,

  hath appointed them contrary186 places, for, believe me, I hear

  the parson is no jester187. Hark, I will tell you what our sport

  shall be.

  They speak apart

  HOST Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-189

  cavalier?

  FORD None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of burned191

  sack to give me recourse192 to him, and tell him my name is

  Broom, only for a jest.

  HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and regress194

  — said I well? — and thy name shall be Broom. It is a merry

  knight.— Will you go, An-heires196?

  To Shallow and Page

  SHALLOW Have with you, mine host.

  PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his

  rapier.

  SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times

  you stand on distance: your passes, stoccadoes201, and I know

  not what. ’Tis the heart202, Master Page, ’tis here, ’tis here. I

  have seen the time, with my long sword203, I would have made

  you four tall204 fellows skip like rats.

  HOST Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag205?

  PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold206 than

  fight.

  [Exeunt Host, Shallow and Page]

  FORD Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly208

  on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily.

  She was in his210 company at Page’s house, and what they

  made211 there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t, and I

  have a disguise to sound212 Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose

  not my labour: if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.

  Exit

  Act 2 Scene 2

  running scene 6

  Enter Falstaff [and] Pistol

  FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny.

  PISTOL Why, then the world’s mine oyster, which I with

  sword will open.

  FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should

  lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon5 my good

  friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow6

  Nim, or else you had looked through the grate, like a gemini7

  of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen

  my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when

  Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon10

  mine honour thou hadst it not.

  PISTOL Didst not thou share12? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

  FALSTAFF Reason13, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll

  endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about14

  me, I am no gibbet for you. Go — a short knife and a throng15

  — to your manor of Picked-hatch16, go! You’ll not bear a letter

  for me, you rogue. You stand upon your honour. Why, thou

  unconfinable18 baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the

  terms of my honour precise19. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes,

  leaving the fear of heaven on the left hand20, and hiding mine

  honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to21

  lurch: and yet, you rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-22

  a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-23

  beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour? You will

  not do it? You?

  PISTOL I do relent26. What would thou more of man?

  [Enter Robin]

  ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.

  FALSTAFF Let her approach.

  [Enter Mistress Quickly]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Give29 your worship good morrow.

  FALSTAFF Good morrow, good wife.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so31, an’t please your worship.

  FALSTAFF Good maid, then.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY That I am, I’ll be sworn,

  As my mother was the first hour I was born34.

  FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

  FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe37 thee

  the hearing.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir — I pray come

  a little nearer this ways40— I myself dwell with master Doctor

  Caius—

  FALSTAFF Well, on42. Mistress Ford, you say—

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true. I pray your

  worship come a little nearer this ways.

  FALSTAFF I warrant thee nobody hears. Mine

  Gestures toward Pistol and Robin

  own people, mine own people.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make

  them his servants.

  FALSTAFF Well, Mistress Ford: what of her?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, lord,

  your worship’s a wanton51! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of

  us, I pray—

  FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you

  have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful55. The

  best courtier of them all — when the court lay at Windsor —

  could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has

  been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches,

  I warrant you —coach after coach, letter after letter, gift

  after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling60, I

  warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such alligant61 terms, and

  in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest that would

  have won any woman’s heart: and, I warrant you, they

  could never get an eye-wink of64 her. I had myself twenty

  angels65 given me this morning, but I defy all angels — in any

  such sort66, as they say — but in the way of honesty: and, I r />
  warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a

  cup with the proudest of them all. And yet there has been

  earls, nay, which is more, pensioners69, but, I warrant you, all

  is one with her.

  FALSTAFF But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-71

  Mercury.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the

  which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to

  notify75 that her husband will be absence from his house

  between ten and eleven.

  FALSTAFF Ten and eleven.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and then you may come and see

  the picture, she says, that you wot79 of. Master Ford, her

  husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an

  ill life with him: he’s a very jealousy man. She leads a very

  frampold82 life with him, good heart.

  FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her. I will

  not fail her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another

  messenger86 to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty

  commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear,

  she’s as fartuous a civil modest88 wife, and one, I tell you, that

  will not miss you89 morning nor evening prayer, as any is in

  Windsor, whoe’er be the other: and she bade me tell your

  worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she

  hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote

  upon a man. Surely I think you have charms93, la. Yes, in truth.

  FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my

  good parts95 aside, I have no other charms.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for’t!

  FALSTAFF But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford’s wife and

  Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! They have not so little

  grace100, I hope — that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page

  would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves101. Her

  husband has a marvellous infection to102 the little page, and

  truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor

  leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what

  she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list105, rise when