The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

  SIMPLE Well, sir.

  EVANS Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter.

  Gives letter

  For it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance7 with Mistress

  Anne Page. And the letter is to desire and require her to

  solicit9 your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray

  you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner, there’s pippins10

  and cheese to come.

  Exeunt

  Act 1 Scene 3

  running scene 3

  Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nim, Pistol [and] page [Robin]

  FALSTAFF Mine host of the Garter!

  HOST What says my bully rook2? Speak scholarly and

  wisely.

  FALSTAFF Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my

  followers.

  HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag6. Trot,

  trot.

  FALSTAFF I sit at8 ten pounds a week.

  HOST Thou’rt an emperor: Caesar, Kaiser and Pheazar9. I

  will entertain Bardolph: he shall draw, he shall tap10. Said I

  well, bully Hector11?

  FALSTAFF Do so, good mine host.

  HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.— Let me

  To Bardolph

  see thee froth and lime. I am at a word14: follow.

  [Exit]

  FALSTAFF Bardolph, follow him. A tapster15 is a good trade. An

  old cloak makes a new jerkin16: a withered servingman a fresh

  tapster. Go, adieu.

  BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

  [Exit Bardolph]

  PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot19 wield?

  NIM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited20?

  FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox21. His thefts

  were too open22: his filching was like an unskilful singer, he

  kept not time.

  NIM The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest24.

  PISTOL ‘Convey’, the wise it call. ‘Steal?’ Foh! A fico25 for the

  phrase.

  FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels27.

  PISTOL Why then, let kibes28 ensue.

  FALSTAFF There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must shift29.

  PISTOL Young ravens must have food.

  FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town?

  PISTOL I ken the wight32: he is of substance good.

  FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about33.

  PISTOL Two yards, and more.

  FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist

  two yards about, but I am now about no waste: I am about

  thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to37 Ford’s wife. I spy

  entertainment in her: she discourses, she carves38, she gives

  the leer of invitation. I can construe the action39 of her

  familiar style, and the hardest voice40 of her behaviour — to

  be Englished41 rightly — is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’

  PISTOL He hath studied her will42, and translated her will,

  out of honesty43, into English.

  NIM The anchor is deep. Will that humour pass44?

  FALSTAFF Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her

  husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels46.

  PISTOL As many devils entertain. And ‘To her47, boy!’ say I.

  NIM The humour rises48: it is good. Humour me the angels.

  FALSTAFF I have writ me49 here a letter to her.

  Shows letters

  And here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me

  good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious

  oeillades52. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot,

  sometimes my portly belly.

  PISTOL Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

  NIM I thank thee for that humour55.

  FALSTAFF O, she did so course56 o’er my exteriors with such a

  greedy intention57, that the appetite of her eye did seem to

  scorch me up like a burning-glass58. Here’s another letter to

  her. She bears the purse too: she is a region in Guiana59, all gold

  and bounty. I will be cheaters60 to them both, and they shall be

  exchequers61 to me. They shall be my East and West Indies,

  and I will trade62 to them both.— Go bear thou this

  To Nim

  letter to Mistress Page — and thou this to Mistress

  To Pistol

  Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

  PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy65 become,

  And by my side wear steel66? Then Lucifer take all!

  Gives back the letter

  NIM I will run no base humour67. Here, take the

  humour-letter. I will keep the ’haviour of68

  reputation.

  Gives the letter back

  FALSTAFF Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly70,

  To Robin

  Sail like my pinnace71 to these golden shores.

  Rogues, hence, avaunt72! Vanish like hailstones: go,

  Trudge, plod away o’th’hoof, seek shelter, pack73!

  Falstaff will learn the humour74 of the age,

  French thrift, you rogues, myself and skirted75 page.

  [Exeunt Falstaff and Robin]

  PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds76,

  And high and low beguiles77 the rich and poor:

  Tester I’ll have in pouch78 when thou shalt lack,

  Base Phrygia79n Turk!

  NIM I have operations which be humours of80 revenge.

  PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?

  NIM By welkin82 and her star!

  PISTOL With wit or steel83?

  NIM With both the humours, I. I will discuss the humour84

  of this love to Ford.

  PISTOL And I to Page shall eke86 unfold

  How Falstaff, varlet vile,

  His dove will prove88, his gold will hold,

  And his soft couch defile.

  NIM My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to

  deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness91, for the

  revolt92 of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.

  PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents93. I second thee,

  troop on.

  Exeunt

  Act 1 Scene 4

  running scene 4

  Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple and John Rugby

  MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the

  casement and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor

  Caius, coming. If he do, i’faith, and find anybody in the

  house, here will be an old4 abusing of God’s patience and the

  King’s English.

  RUGBY I’ll go watch.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Go, and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night7,

  in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal8 fire.—

  [Exit Rugby]

  An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in

  house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-10

  bate. His worst fault is that he is given to prayer, he is

  something peevish12 that way, but nobody but has his fault.

  But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?

  SIMPLE Ay, for fault14 of a better.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master?

  SIMPLE Ay, forsooth.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round beard, like a

  glover’s paring-knife18?

  SIMPLE No, forsooth, he hath but a little wee face, with a

  little yellow beard: a Cain-coloured20 beard.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprighted21 man, is he not?

  SIMPLE Ay, forsooth, but he is as tall a man of his hands22
as

  any is between this and his head23. He hath fought with a

  warrener24.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember him:

  does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

  SIMPLE Yes, indeed, does he.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse

  fortune. Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for

  your master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish—

  RUGBY Out, alas!31 Here comes my master.

  Within To Simple

  MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent32. Run in here,

  good young man, go into this closet33. He will not stay long.

  What, John Rugby? John! What, John, I say?

  Simple goes into the closet

  [Enter Rugby]

  Go, John, go inquire for my master. I doubt35 he be not well,

  that he comes not home.

  [Exit Rugby]

  And down, down, adown-a37, etc.

  She sings

  [Enter Caius]

  CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys38. Pray you, go

  and vetch me in my closet une boîtie en vert39: a box, a green-a

  box. Do intend40 vat I speak? A green-a box.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you.— I am

  Aside

  glad he went not in himself. If he had found the young man,

  he would have been horn-mad43.

  She goes into the closet

  CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe, ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais voir à44

  le Court la grande affaire.

  [Enter Mistress Quickly with a box]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir?

  CAIUS Oui, mette-le au mon pocket. Dépêche47, quickly. Vere is

  dat knave Rugby?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby? John?

  [Enter Rugby]

  RUGBY Here, sir!

  CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,

  take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

  RUGBY ’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

  CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me, que ai-je oublié54.

  Dere is some simples55 in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I

  shall leave behind.

  He goes into the closet

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me, he’ll find the young man there and

  be mad.

  CAIUS O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villain, larron59!

  Rugby, my rapier!

  Within/Pulls Simple out

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content.

  CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man.

  CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is

  no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you be not so phlegmatic66. Hear the

  truth of67 it: he came of an errand to me, from Parson Hugh.

  CAIUS Vell.

  SIMPLE Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you.

  CAIUS Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a

  your tale.

  To Mistress Quickly/To Simple

  SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to

  speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in

  the way of marriage.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! But I’ll ne’er put my76

  finger in the fire, and need not.

  CAIUS Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez78 me some paper.

  Tarry you a little-a while.

  Rugby brings paper. Caius writes

  MISTRESS QUICKLY I am glad he is so quiet. If he

  Aside to Simple

  had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so

  loud and so melancholy82. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do

  you your master what good I can: and the very yea and the83

  no is, the French doctor, my master — I may call him my

  master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew,

  bake, scour, dress meat86 and drink, make the beds and

  do all myself—

  SIMPLE ’Tis a great charge88 to come under one

  Aside to Mistress Quickly

  body’s hand.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Are you avised o’that? You90

  Aside to Simple

  shall find it a great charge, and to be up early and down late.

  But notwithstanding — to tell you in your ear, I would have92

  no words of it — my master himself is in love with Mistress

  Anne Page. But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind

  95— that’s neither here nor there.

  CAIUS You jack’nape96, give-a this letter to

  Gives a letter to Simple

  Sir Hugh. By gar97, it is a shallenge. I will cut his

  troat in de park98, and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest

  to meddle or make99.— You may be gone. It is not

  To Simple

  good you tarry here.— By gar, I will cut all his two stones100. By

  gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.

  [Exit Simple]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

  CAIUS It is no matter-a ver103 dat: do not you tell-a me dat I

  shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack104

  priest: and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer105 to

  measure our weapon106. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well.

  We must give folks leave to prate. What the good-year108!

  CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me.—

  To Mistress Quickly

  By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your

  head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have An112—

  [Exeunt Caius and Rugby]

  fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that:

  never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than

  I do, nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

  FENTON Who’s within there, ho?

  Within

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Who’s there, I trow? Come near117 the house, I

  pray you.

  [Enter Fenton]

  FENTON How now, good woman? How dost thou?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good worship

  to ask.

  FENTON What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest123,

  and gentle, and one that is your friend124— I can tell you that

  by the way — I praise heaven for it.

  FENTON Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose

  my suit?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but

  notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book129 she

  loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

  FENTON Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is132

  such another Nan —but, I detest133, an honest maid as ever

  broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart. I shall

  never laugh but in that maid’s company. But, indeed, she is

  given too much to allicholy136 and musing. But for you — well,

  go to137—

  FENTON Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for

  thee: let me have thy voice139 in my behalf. If thou see’st her

  before me, commend me—

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? I’faith, that we will. And I will tell your

 
worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence142,

  and of other wooers.

  FENTON Well, farewell, I am in great haste now.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your worship.

  [Exit Fenton]

  Truly, an honest gentleman. But Anne loves him not. For I

  know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon’t147, what

  have I forgot?

  Exit

  Act 2 Scene 1

  running scene 5

  Enter Mistress Page

  With a letter

  MISTRESS PAGE What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-1

  time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me

  Reads

  see: ‘Ask me no reason why I love you, for though

  Love use Reason for his precisian4, he admits him not for his

  counsellor5. You are not young, no more am I: go to then,

  there’s sympathy6. You are merry, so am I: ha, ha, then there’s

  more sympathy. You love sack7, and so do I: would you desire

  better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the

  least if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will

  not say, pity me — ’tis not a soldier-like phrase — but I say,

  love me. By me,

  Thine own true knight,

  By day or night,

  Or any kind of light,

  With all his might

  For thee to fight,

  John Falstaff.’

  What a Herod of Jewry18 is this? O wicked, wicked world! One

  that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a

  young gallant? What an unweighed20 behaviour hath this

  Flemish21 drunkard picked — with the devil’s name — out of

  my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?

  Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I23

  say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth — heaven forgive

  me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting25

  down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged

  I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings27.

  [Enter Mistress Ford]