The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

Page 3


  LIST OF PARTS

  MISTRESS Margaret PAGE, of Windsor

  Master George PAGE, her husband

  ANNE Page, their daughter

  WILLIAM Page, a boy, their son

  MISTRESS Alice FORD, of Windsor

  Master Frank FORD, her husband

  Master FENTON, a young gentleman, in love with Anne Page

  Sir John FALSTAFF

  followers of Falstaff

  BARDOLPH

  PISTOL

  NIM

  up from the country

  ROBIN, Falstaff’s pageboy

  Robert SHALLOW, Esquire, a country justice

  Master Abraham SLENDER, cousin to Shallow

  Peter SIMPLE, servant to Slender

  Sir Hugh EVANS, a Welsh parson

  HOST, of the Garter Inn

  Doctor CAIUS, a French physician

  John RUGBY, his servant

  MISTRESS QUICKLY, his housekeeper

  Servants; Children of Windsor playing Fairies

  Act 1 Scene 1

  running scene 1

  Enter Justice Shallow, Slender [and] Sir Hugh Evans

  SHALLOW Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star1

  Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he

  shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

  SLENDER In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace and

  Coram5.

  SHALLOW Ay, cousin Slender, and Custalorum6.

  SLENDER Ay, and Rato-lorum7 too; and a gentleman born,

  master parson, who writes himself Armigero in any bill8,

  warrant, quittance or obligation9, Armigero.

  SHALLOW Ay, that I do, and have done any time these three

  hundred years.

  SLENDER All his successors — gone before him — hath done’t,

  and all his ancestors — that come after him — may. They

  may give the dozen white luces14 in their coat.

  SHALLOW It is an old coat.

  EVANS The dozen white louses do become16 an old coat well.

  It agrees well passant. It is a familiar17 beast to man, and

  signifies love.

  SHALLOW The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an old coat19.

  SLENDER I may quarter, coz20.

  SHALLOW You may, by marrying.

  EVANS It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

  SHALLOW Not a whit.

  EVANS Yes, py’r lady24: if he has a quarter of your coat, there

  is but three skirts25 for yourself, in my simple conjectures.

  But that is all one: if Sir John Falstaff have committed

  disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad

  to do my benevolence, to make atonements and compromises28

  between you.

  SHALLOW The Council30 shall hear it, it is a riot.

  EVANS It is not meet31 the Council hear a riot: there is no fear

  of Got32 in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the

  fear of Got, and not to hear a riot. Take your vizaments33 in that.

  SHALLOW Ha, o’my life, if I were young again, the sword should

  end it.

  EVANS It is petter that friends is the sword36, and end it. And

  there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure37

  prings goot discretions38 with it. There is Anne Page, which is

  daughter to Master Thomas39 Page, which is pretty virginity.

  SLENDER Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks

  small41 like a woman.

  EVANS It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just42 as you

  will desire, and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold

  and silver, is44 her grandsire upon his death’s-bed — Got

  deliver to a joyful resurrections! — give45, when she is able to

  overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion46, if we

  leave our pribbles and prabbles47, and desire a marriage

  between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

  SLENDER Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

  EVANS Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny50.

  SLENDER I know the young gentlewoman: she has good gifts51.

  EVANS Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities52, is goot

  gifts.

  SHALLOW Well, let us see honest54 Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

  EVANS Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise

  one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The

  knight, Sir John, is there, and I beseech you, be ruled by your

  well-willers58. I will peat the door for Master Page.

  Knocks

  What, ho! Got pless your house here!

  PAGE Who’s there?

  Speaks within and then enters

  EVANS Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice

  Shallow, and here young Master Slender, that peradventures

  shall tell you another tale63, if matters grow to your likings.

  PAGE I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for

  my venison, Master Shallow.

  SHALLOW Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it

  your good heart. I wished your venison better, it was ill67

  killed. How doth good Mistress Page? And I thank you

  always with my heart, la69 — with my heart.

  PAGE Sir, I thank you.

  SHALLOW Sir, I thank you: by yea and no71, I do.

  PAGE I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

  SLENDER How does your fallow73 greyhound, sir? I he ard say he

  was outrun on Cotsall74.

  PAGE It could not be judged75, sir.

  SLENDER You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.

  SHALLOW That he will not.—

  ’Tis your fault78, ’tis your fault.— ’Tis a good dog.

  Aside to Slender/To Page

  PAGE A cur79, sir.

  SHALLOW Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog, can there be

  more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?

  PAGE Sir, he is within: and I would82 I could do a good office

  between you.

  EVANS It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

  SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page.

  PAGE Sir, he doth in some sort86 confess it.

  SHALLOW If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that so,

  Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed he hath, at88 a

  word, he hath. Believe me: Robert Shallow esquire saith he is

  wronged.

  PAGE Here comes Sir John.

  [Enter Falstaff, Bardolph, Nim and Pistol]

  FALSTAFF Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the

  king?

  SHALLOW Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer,

  and broke open my lodge95.

  FALSTAFF But not kissed your keeper’s96 daughter?

  SHALLOW Tut, a pin! This shall be answered97.

  FALSTAFF I will answer it straight98: I have done all this. That is

  now answered.

  SHALLOW The Council shall know this.

  FALSTAFF ’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel101.

  You’ll be laughed at.

  EVANS Pauca verba103, Sir John, goot worts.

  FALSTAFF Good worts? Good cabbage. Slender, I broke104 your

  head. What matter105 have you against me?

  SLENDER Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you,

  and against your cony-catching107 rascals, Bardolph, Nim and

  Pistol.

  BARDOLPH You Banbury cheese109!

  SLENDER Ay, it is no matter110.

  PISTOL How now, Mephostophilus111?

  SLENDER Ay, it is no matter.

  NIM Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that’s my humour113.
br />   SLENDER Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

  EVANS Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is

  three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master

  Page — fidelicet117 Master Page — and there is myself — fidelicet

  myself — and the three118 party is — lastly and finally — mine

  host119 of the Garter.

  PAGE We three to hear it and end it between them.

  EVANS Fery goot, I will make a prief121 of it in my note-book,

  and we will afterwards ’ork122 upon the cause with as great

  discreetly123 as we can.

  FALSTAFF Pistol!

  PISTOL He hears with ears.

  EVANS The tevil and his tam126! What phrase is this? He hears

  with ear? Why, it is affectations.

  FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?

  SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never

  come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats130

  in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards131, that cost

  me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead132 Miller, by these

  gloves.

  FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol?

  EVANS No, it is false135, if it is a pick-purse.

  PISTOL Ha, thou mountain-foreigner136! Sir John and master mine,

  I combat challenge of this latten bilbo137.

  Word of denial in thy labras138 here!

  Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!

  SLENDER By these gloves, then, ’twas he.

  Points to Nim

  NIM Be avised, sir, and pass good humours141: I will say

  ‘marry trap’ with you, if you run the nuthook142’s humour on

  me. That is the very note143 of it.

  SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face144 had it: for

  though I cannot remember what I did when you made me

  drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

  FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John147?

  BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk

  himself out of his five sentences.

  EVANS It is his five senses. Fie, what the ignorance is!

  BARDOLPH And being fap151, sir, was, as they say, cashiered: and

  so conclusions passed the careers152.

  SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no matter. I’ll

  ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly

  company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those

  that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

  EVANS So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind157.

  FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen, you

  hear it.

  [Enter Anne, with wine]

  PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in: we’ll drink within.

  [Exit Anne]

  Aside?

  SLENDER O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page!

  [Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page]

  PAGE How now, Mistress Ford?

  FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met.

  By your leave164, good mistress.

  Kisses her

  PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have

  a hot venison pasty to166 dinner. Come, gentlemen, I hope we

  shall drink down all unkindness.

  [Exeunt all except Shallow, Slender and Evans]

  SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my book of

  Songs and Sonnets168 here.

  [Enter Simple]

  How now, Simple, where have you been? I must wait on

  myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles171 about you,

  have you?

  SIMPLE Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to Alice

  Shortcake upon Allhallowmas174 last, a fortnight afore

  Michaelmas175?

  SHALLOW Come, coz. Come, coz, we stay176 for you. A word

  with you, coz. Marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender177,

  a kind of tender, made afar off178 by Sir Hugh here. Do you

  understand me?

  SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be so, I

  shall do that that is reason181.

  SHALLOW Nay, but understand me.

  SLENDER So I do, sir.

  EVANS Give ear to his motions184. Master Slender, I will

  description the matter to you, if you be capacity of185 it.

  SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I pray you

  pardon me, he’s a Justice of Peace in his country, simple187

  though I stand here.

  EVANS But that is not the question. The question is

  concerning your marriage.

  SHALLOW Ay, there’s the point, sir.

  EVANS Marry, is it: the very point of it, to Mistress Anne

  Page.

  SLENDER Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable

  demands195.

  EVANS But can you affection the ’oman196? Let us command

  to know that of your mouth or of your lips, for divers197

  philosophers hold that the lips is parcel198 of the mouth.

  Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to199 the maid?

  SHALLOW Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

  SLENDER I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would

  do reason.

  EVANS Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies, you must speak

  possitable, if you can carry her204 your desires towards her.

  SHALLOW That you must. Will you, upon205 good dowry, marry

  her?

  SLENDER I will do a greater thing than that upon your

  request, cousin, in any reason.

  SHALLOW Nay, conceive209 me, conceive me, sweet coz. What I do

  is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

  SLENDER I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if there be

  no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease212 it

  upon better acquaintance, when we are married, and have

  more occasion to know one another. I hope upon familiarity

  will grow more contempt. But if you say ‘Marry her’, I will

  marry her — that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely216.

  EVANS It is a fery discretion answer. Save the fall217 is in the

  ’ord218 ‘dissolutely’ — the ’ort is, according to our meaning,

  ‘resolutely’ — his meaning is good.

  SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

  SLENDER Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

  SHALLOW Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

  [Enter Anne]

  Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.

  ANNE The dinner is on the table, my father desires your

  worships’ company.

  SHALLOW I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

  EVANS ’Od’s plessèd will! I will not be absence at the grace.

  [Exeunt Shallow and Evans]

  ANNE Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?

  SLENDER No, I thank you, forsooth229, heartily. I am very well.

  ANNE The dinner attends230 you, sir.

  SLENDER I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.—

  To Simple

  Go, sirrah, for all232 you are my man, go wait upon my cousin

  Shallow.

  [Exit Simple]

  A justice of peace sometime may be beholding234 to his friend

  for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother

  be dead: but what though236, yet I live like a poor gentleman

  born.

  ANNE I may not go in without your worship: they will not

  sit till you come.

  SLENDER I’faith, I’ll eat
nothing. I thank you as much as

  though I did.

  ANNE I pray you, sir, walk in.

  SLENDER I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my

  shin th’other day with playing at sword and dagger with a

  master of fence— three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes245—

  and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat246 since.

  Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’th’town?

  ANNE I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.

  SLENDER I love the sport249 well, but I shall as soon quarrel at it,

  as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the bear

  loose, are you not?

  ANNE Ay, indeed, sir.

  SLENDER That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen

  Sackerson254 loose twenty times, and have taken him by the

  chain: but, I warrant255 you, the women have so cried and

  shrieked at it that it passed256. But women, indeed, cannot

  abide ’em: they are very ill-favoured257 rough things.

  [Enter Page]

  PAGE Come, gentle Master Slender, come: we stay for you.

  SLENDER I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

  PAGE By cock and pie, you shall not choose260, sir. Come,

  come.

  SLENDER Nay, pray you lead the way.

  PAGE Come on, sir.

  SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

  ANNE Not I, sir, pray you, keep on265.

  SLENDER Truly, I will not go first. Truly, la! I will not do you

  that wrong.

  ANNE I pray you, sir.

  SLENDER I’ll rather be unmannerly than

  Goes first

  troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

  Exeunt

  Act 1 Scene 2

  running scene 2

  Enter Evans and Simple

  EVANS Go your ways, and ask of1 Doctor Caius’ house,

  which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,

  which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse3, or his

  cook, or his laundry, his washer and his wringer4.