The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

  SHALLOW What, the sword and the word39? Do you study them

  both, Master Parson?

  PAGE And youthful still: in your doublet and hose41, this

  raw rheumatic day?

  EVANS There is reasons and causes for it.

  PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master

  Parson.

  EVANS Fery well: what is it?

  PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike47,

  having received wrong by some person, is at most odds48 with

  his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

  SHALLOW I have lived fourscore50 years and upward: I never

  heard a man of his place, gravity and learning so wide of his51

  own respect.

  EVANS What is he?

  PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the

  renowned French physician.

  EVANS Got’s will, and his passion of my heart, I had as lief56

  you would tell me of a mess of porridge57.

  PAGE Why?

  EVANS He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates59 and

  Galen, and he is a knave besides — a cowardly60 knave as you

  would desires to be acquainted withal.

  PAGE I warrant you, he’s62 the man should fight

  To Shallow

  with him.

  SLENDER O sweet Anne Page!

  Aside?

  SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:

  here comes Doctor Caius.

  [Enter Host, Caius and Rugby]

  Evans and Caius prepare to fight

  PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

  SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor.

  HOST Disarm them, and let them question69.

  Shallow and Page take their swords

  Let them keep their limbs whole and hack70

  our English.

  CAIUS I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.

  Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

  EVANS Pray you, use your patience.— In good

  Aside to Caius/Aloud

  time.

  CAIUS By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

  EVANS Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks

  Aside to Caius

  to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will

  one way or other make you amends.— I will knog your

  urinal about your knave’s coxcomb80.

  Aloud

  CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I not

  stay82 for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

  EVANS As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the

  place appointed, I’ll be judgement by84 mine host of the Garter.

  HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul85, French and Welsh,

  soul-curer and body-curer!

  CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

  HOST Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I

  politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel89? Shall I lose my doctor?

  No, he gives me the potions and the motions90. Shall I lose my

  parson? My priest? My Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the

  proverbs and the no-verbs92. Give me thy hand,

  To Caius/To Evans

  terrestrial, so. Give me thy hand, celestial93, so.

  Boys of art94, I have deceived you both: I have directed you

  to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are

  whole, and let burned sack be the issue96.—

  To Page and Shallow/To Caius and Evans

  Come, lay their swords to pawn97.— Follow me,

  lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.

  [Exit]

  SHALLOW Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

  SLENDER O sweet Anne Page!

  Aside?

  [Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page]

  CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot101 of us,

  ha, ha?

  EVANS This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog103. I

  desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains

  together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging105

  companion, the host of the Garter.

  CAIUS By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me

  where is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too.

  EVANS Well, I will smite his noddles109. Pray you, follow.

  [Exeunt]

  Act 3 Scene 2

  running scene 9

  Enter Robin [followed by] Mistress Page

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You were wont1

  to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether2 had you

  rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

  ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than

  follow him like a dwarf.

  MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy. Now I see you’ll be a

  courtier.

  [Enter Ford]

  FORD Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

  MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

  FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together10, for want of

  company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two

  would marry.

  MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that — two other husbands.

  FORD Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

  MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my15

  husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name,

  sirrah?

  ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.

  FORD Sir John Falstaff?

  MISTRESS PAGE He, he. I can never hit on’s name. There is such

  a league21 between my good man and he. Is your wife at home

  indeed?

  FORD Indeed she is.

  MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.

  [Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin]

  FORD Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he

  any thinking? Sure they sleep, he hath no use of them. Why,

  this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon

  will shoot point-blank twelvescore. He pieces out28 his wife’s

  inclination, he gives her folly motion and advantage29. And

  now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A

  man may hear this shower sing in the wind31. And Falstaff’s

  boy with her. Good plots, they are laid, and our revolted32

  wives share damnation together. Well, I will take him33, then

  torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the

  so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge35 Page himself for a secure

  and wilful Actaeon36, and to these violent proceedings all my

  neighbours shall cry aim37. The clock gives me

  A clock strikes

  my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find

  Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it is

  as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

  [Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, Caius and Rugby]

  SHALLOW, PAGE and OTHERS Well met, Master Ford.

  FORD Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer42 at home,

  and I pray you all go with me.

  SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

  SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine with

  Mistress Anne, and I would not break with46 her for more

  money than I’ll speak of.

  SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between Anne

  Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our

  answer.

  SLENDER I hope I have your good will, father Page.

  PAGE You have, Master Slender, I stand wholly for you.
>
  But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.

  CAIUS Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me. My nursh-a

  Quickly tell me so mush.

  HOST What say you to young Master Fenton?

  To Page

  He capers57, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses,

  he speaks holiday, he smells April and May. He will carry’t58,

  he will carry’t, ’tis in his buttons59, he will carry’t.

  PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is

  of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and61

  Poins. He is of too high a region62, he knows too much. No, he

  shall not knit a knot63 in his fortunes with the finger of my

  substance. If he take her, let him take her simply64: the wealth I

  have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

  FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with

  me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall have sport: I will

  show you a monster68. Master Doctor, you shall go, so shall

  you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

  SHALLOW Well, fare you well.— We shall have

  Aside to Slender

  the freer wooing at Master Page’s.

  [Exeunt Shallow and Slender]

  CAIUS Go home, John Rugby, I come anon72.

  [Exit Rugby]

  HOST Farewell, my hearts73. I will to my honest knight

  Falstaff, and drink canary74 with him.

  [Exit]

  FORD I think I shall drink in pipe wine75 first with

  Aside

  him. I’ll make him dance.— Will you go, gentles76?

  Aloud

  ALL Have with77 you to see this monster.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 3

  running scene 10

  Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page

  MISTRESS FORD What, John? What, Robert?

  MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket2—

  MISTRESS FORD I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

  [Enter John and Robert with a laundry basket]

  MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.

  MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.

  MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge6, we must be brief.

  MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be

  ready here hard by in the brew-house8, and when I suddenly

  call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering

  take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it

  in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet11

  Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the

  Thames side.

  MISTRESS PAGE You will do it?

  To John and Robert

  MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over, they lack no

  direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.

  [Exeunt John and Robert]

  MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.

  [Enter Robin]

  MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket18? What news with

  you?

  ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,

  Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

  MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent22, have you been true to us?

  ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your

  being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting

  liberty if I tell you of it: for he swears he’ll turn me away25.

  MISTRESS PAGE Thou’rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall

  be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and

  hose. I’ll go hide me.

  MISTRESS FORD Do so.— Go tell thy master I am alone.

  To Robin

  [Exit Robin]

  Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

  MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee: if I do not act it, hiss me.

  [Exit]

  MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome

  humidity, this gross watery pumpion33. We’ll teach him to

  know turtles from jays34.

  [Enter Falstaff]

  FALSTAFF Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel35? Why, now

  let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period36 of

  my ambition. O this blessèd hour!

  MISTRESS FORD O sweet Sir John!

  FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate39, Mistress

  Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were

  dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord. I would make thee my

  lady.

  MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful

  lady!

  FALSTAFF Let the court of France show me such another. I see

  how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the

  right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire47,

  the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance48.

  MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become49

  nothing else, nor that well neither.

  FALSTAFF Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make an

  absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot52 would give

  an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale53.

  I see what thou wert if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy54

  friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

  MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.

  FALSTAFF What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee

  there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog

  and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping

  hawthorn-buds60 that come like women in men’s apparel and

  smell like Bucklersbury in simple time61. I cannot. But I love

  thee, none but thee —and thou deservest it.

  MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress

  Page.

  FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the

  Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek66 of a

  lime-kiln67.

  MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you, and you

  shall one day find it.

  FALSTAFF Keep in that mind, I’ll deserve it.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else I could not

  be in that mind.

  ROBIN Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, here’s

  Speaks within or enters

  Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing74

  and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently75.

  FALSTAFF She shall not see me: I will ensconce me76 behind the

  arras77.

  Falstaff hides himself

  MISTRESS FORD Pray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman.

  [Enter Mistress Page]

  Robin may enter here

  What’s the matter? How now?

  MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re

  shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone81 forever!

  MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE O, well-a-day83, Mistress Ford, having an honest

  man to84 your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

  MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?

  MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!86 How

  am I mistook in you?

  MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?

  MISTRESS PAGE Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all

  the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he

  says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill

  advantage of his absence. You are undone.

  MISTRESS FORD ’Tis not so, I hope.

&
nbsp; MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a

  man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s coming,

  with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I

  come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear97, why, I am

  glad of it: but if you have a friend98 here, convey, convey him

  out. Be not amazed99, call all your senses to you, defend your

  reputation, or bid farewell to your good life100 forever.

  MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear

  friend — and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril.

  I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the

  house.

  MISTRESS PAGE For shame, never stand105 ‘you had rather’ and

  ‘you had rather’. Your husband’s here at hand! Bethink you

  of some conveyance107— in the house you cannot hide him. O,

  how have you deceived me? Look, here is a basket. If he be of

  any reasonable stature, he may creep in here, and throw foul

  linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking. Or — it is

  whiting-time111— send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.

  MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

  FALSTAFF Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t!

  Comes out of hiding

  I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.

  MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? Are these

  Aside to Falstaff

  your letters, knight?

  FALSTAFF I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll

  never—

  Gets into the basket. They cover him with foul linen/To Robin

  MISTRESS PAGE Help to cover your master, boy.—

  Call your men, Mistress Ford.— You dissembling120

  To Falstaff

  knight!

  MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John!

  [Exit Robin]

  [Enter John and Robert]

  Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff123?

  Look, how you drumble124! Carry them to the

  They attempt to fit the cowl-staff