A Midsummer Night #nofilter Read online

  Demetrius

  Maybe we’re still dreaming?

  Lysander

  I guess we should listen to Theseus and meet up with him tonight. Maybe things will make sense by then.

  Bottom

  I can’t BELIEVE the night I had. It was NUTS. Wait until Quince and Flute and Snout and the others about it!

  REPLY

  Flute: You better show up for the play!

  Snout: Y’okay, ya crazy.

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  Quince: Where are you? Answer my texts!

  [Scene 2]

  Group text: Quince, Starveling, Flute, Snout, Snug, Bottom

  Quince

  Has anyone Bottom yet? He must be . I saw his status update.

  Starveling

  Nada! Do you think he was kidnapped and only just released

  Flute

  Maybe he was abducted by .

  Quince

  He better show up or the entire play is ruined.

  Snout

  Has anyone heard from Snug?

  Snug

  I’m on my way! I’m coming from the .

  Theseus and Hippolyta are married. And so are two other couples.

  I can’t believe we weren’t able to put on our play.

  Flute

  We couldabin rich! Let’s find out what happened to Bottom. I’m texting him again.

  You alive, B?

  Bottom

  Ciao, you guys!

  Quince

  B! What a RELIEF. Where have you been?

  Bottom

  I have SO much to tell you! But I can’t right now.

  We have to hurry. We don’t have a lot of . Grab a bunch of new clothes and props. We’re putting on this play after all!

  No time to explain. Just hurry. LET’S GO!

  [Scene 1]

  Hippolyta

  omg what a great day!! i’m so happy we’re married.

  Theseus

  Me too! Wait. Aren’t you worried about your bill?

  Hippolyta

  well, now that we’re married, the bill is in yer name, hehehe.

  Theseus

  You! Aw. I’m too happy to care. So much lately!

  Hippolyta

  i know! even tho the stories those four told were cRaZy.

  Theseus

  Right? People in love are srsly outta their minds, though. We should know.

  Hippolyta

  i mean, all their stories are the same!

  so even tho it all smells a little , i believe ’em. SHRUG.

  Theseus

  Samesies. But let’s move on. This is a happy day!

  Time for some fun! Lemme text my party planner.

  Group text: Theseus, Philostrate, Hippolyta

  Theseus

  Philostrate, you around?

  Philostrate

  Holla!

  Theseus

  What’s the 411? What’s going on tonight?

  Philostrate

  I gotchu. There’s a whole buncha things.

  Wanna a battle? How bout some harp ? A sad comedy ?

  Theseus

  Talk about an oxymoron. How does that work?

  Philostrate

  Ugh. Not that one, plz.

  It’s about ten words long, which is ten words TOO long tbh.

  It’s sooo bad. And all the actors are AWFUL. I was crying…from laughter.

  Theseus

  Who are the actors?

  Philostrate

  A buncha regular workers who do not belong on a stage.

  Pretty sure they used up the last of their brain cells to put on this play for yer wedding.

  Theseus

  So let’s it, then!

  Philostrate

  OMG are you srs?

  Theseus

  Absolutely. Now, go.

  Philostrate

  All riiight. Didn’t think I’d be celebrating yer funeral on the same day as yer wedding, but it’s yer choice.

  Hippolyta

  r u sure about this? he just said they’re not good actors.

  Theseus

  Yeah, c’mon. We’re in for a show no matter what!

  Philostrate

  We’re ready to start with the prologue. All good?

  Theseus

  #readysetgo

  In honor of

  Hippolyta and Theseus’s wedding,

  a full transcript of

  “A Very Tragic Comedy About the Horrible Deaths of Pyramus and Thisbe”

  Quince: AHEM. Ladies and gentlemen—if we offend you, it’s on purpose. Not even sorry bout it. We’re not here to make you . We’re here to make you FEEL. We hope you’re prepared for what you’re about to . Please hold all until the end.

  Quince: In this play, you’ll meet two lovers: Pyramus and a beautiful named Thisbe. You’ll also meet a man portraying the wall the lovers speak through with the best we could come up with , another man playing the part of the because they plan to meet at night, and a man roaring as a , who scares poor Thisbe, causing her to away at night.

  Quince: So then basically Thisbe drops her coat, which the stains with his bloody mouth, and after Pyramus finds it, he takes a to his , and then Thisbe takes the same and kills herself , but it’s all pretend so don’t be !

  Quince: Aaand…action!

  Snout: I AM A WALL!

  Snout: Well, it’s actually me, Snout. And I’m pretending to be a wall. With a in the middle so Pyramus and Thisbe can chat through it. Everyone got that??

  Theseus: I’m pretty sure actual cement could play this role better.

  Bottom: I am Pyramus!

  Bottom: Ohhh, night. Oh, night, night, night. It’s so sad. Sad, sad, sad.

  Bottom: What a .

  Bottom: And where is my Thisbe? Oh, look. A wall! It has a in it. Let me if Thisbe is on the other side.

  Bottom: Oh, . She’s not.

  Theseus: Yeesh. That should “accidentally” fall on him.

  Bottom: Excuse me! It’s still my line. Not the ’s line.

  Bottom: Also, Thisbe, ya missed your cue.

  Flute: OH, OOPS.

  Flute: Here I am!

  Bottom: Thisbe! You’re here.

  Flute: ILU. ILU. I think.

  Bottom: Yeah, ILU too . And I KNOW it.

  Flute: I’ll always be faithful to you!

  Bottom: Same! Let’s through this nasty !

  Snout: That tickles.

  Bottom: Will you meet me at Ninny’s grave later tonight?

  Flute: Totes! TTYL!

  Snout: Welp, I’m done! Wall goes away.

  Snout: Oh! Those were my stage directions. OK, bye!

  Theseus: Guess Pyramus and Thisbe should’ve waited a second longer.

  Hippolyta: this is so silly! hehehe.

  Theseus: Get ready because I think it’s about to get even sillier.

  Snug: Hiii. Don’t be afraid of me when I roar! I’m not a real . It’s me—Snout! NBD!

  Theseus: What’s with all these disclaimers?

  Demetrius: So far, he’s the best actor tbh.

  Starveling: And I’m not really a , but I’m a “” for this play.

  Starveling: Think in the . I am here to shed .

  Hippolyta: booorrring. they should bring back the at this point.

  Helena: hipp, ur so bad!

  Lysander: Don’t be rude, you guys!

  Hermia: Yeah, shh! It’s getting good. Uh, I think.

  Lysander: Go on, Mr. .

  Starveling: No, that’s it. That’s all I was gonna say.

  Lysander: Oh.

  Demetrius: Wow.

  Flute: Here I am at Ninny’s ! WYD, Pyramus?

  Snug: HEY THERE!

  Snug: I mean. Uh. ROARRR!

  Flute: OMG. No, ty! Bye!

  Helena: awesome roaring, !

  Hermia: Nice running, Thisbe! #legday

  Snug: Thisbe dropped her coat. I am going to tear it apart with my teeth now.

  Theseus: Way to go, ! Get it like a with a .
>
  Bottom: Hello, I’m back! Shoo, .

  Snug: G2G. See ya!

  Bottom: OMG. What is this? This bloody coat belonged to Thisbe?

  Bottom: Oh gawd, that killed the love of my life!

  Bottom:

  Hippolyta: wow, i feel kinda bad for him.

  Theseus: I know, me too. Strange.

  Bottom: I can’t live in this anymore!

  Bottom: I must take this and stab myself in the . Adieu, cruel world.

  Bottom:

  Theseus: Should someone get him to a ?

  Hippolyta: o no. what’s going to happen with thisbe now?

  Flute: Wakey, wakey, my love.

  Flute: Hello? Pyramus? OMG. What’s happened to your ? A ?

  Flute: I can’t believe my .

  Flute: If I can’t have you in this life, then I’ll join you in another.

  Flute:

  Theseus: Wow, that escalated quickly. Who’s going to bury them?

  Demetrius: I guess the . And the . The could help too.

  Bottom: Psst. Gotta break character for a sec to let you know that the was taken down, so technically it can’t help bury us.

  Bottom: Wanna hear an epilogue

  Theseus: Um, no, that’s OK.

  Theseus: You were all fantastic. Bravo, bravo!

  Theseus: But it’s midnight , so it’s time to .

  Theseus: Don’t fret, though. We’re gonna keep celebrating for two weeks! G’nite!

  Group text: Oberon, Titania, Puck

  Oberon

  Well, that worked out better than I thought it would.

  Titania

  We should and too with all the fairies!

  Puck

  I that idea! Let’s all take a selfifie.

  Posted! #nofilternecessary #midsummermemories #

  Puck

  What a crazy four days it’s been! So many mixed-up stories. OK, maybe I had a little something to do with that. #trickster But don’t be at me! Maybe the past week has been a dream all along. Maybe not. It’s not up to me to decide—it’s up to you. G’nite, everyone! And may you have the sweetest dreams.

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  REPLY

  The 411 for Those Not in the Know

  411: Information

  BRB: Be Right Back

  BTW: By The Way

  FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out

  G2G: Got To Go

  H8: Hate

  HDU: How Dare You

  IDC: I Don’t Care

  IDGI: I Don’t Get It

  IDK: I Don’t Know

  ILU: I Love You

  JK: Just Kidding

  L8R: Later

  NBD: No Big Deal

  NMF: Not My Fault

  NP: No Problem

  OMG: Oh My God

  RN: Right Now

  SMH: Shaking My Head

  STFU: Shut The F*ck Up

  TBH: To Be Honest

  TL;DR: Too Long; Didn’t Read

  TT4N: Ta Ta For Now

  TTYL: Talk To You Later

  TTYS: Talk To You Soon

  TY: Thank You

  WTF: What The F*ck

  WYD: What You Doing

  YW: You’re Welcome

  Y/Y: Yes/Yes

  Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book

  Angry

  Anguished

  Blank (straight)

  Confused

  Dead/Dying

  Devious

  Disappointed

  Embarrassed

  Extremely angry (fuming)

  Extremely funny (crying)

  Extremely sad (crying)

  Flirty

  Friendly (wink, wink)

  Frustrated

  Goofy

  Happy

  Love

  Nervous

  Sad

  Shocked

  Shocked and screaming

  Sick

  Silly

  Sleepy

  Unamused

  Whistle

  Worried

  BRETT WRIGHT has a BFA in creative writing and works full-time as a children’s book editor in New York City. In college, he studied Shakespearean tragedy, which was sadly lacking in emojis. If he’s being honest, he prefers fall to to summer . @brettwright

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE was born in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1564. He was an English poet, playwright, and actor, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world’s preeminent dramatist. His plays have been translated into every major language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

  [Scene 3]

  Witch #1

  It’s ! Where my girls @?

  REPLY

  Witch #2: Oh, you know, killing .

  Witch #3: U?

  Witch #1: Well, I won’t bore u w/ the details, but there was a and a and some s. She didn’t want to share, . Let’s just say, it didn’t end well for her. LMAO.

  Witch #3: I a drum! Macbeth is almost here. U guys remember the chant?

  Witch #1: We weird sisters …

  Witch #2: in , travel all over the …

  Witch #3: , 3 + 3 + 3 = 9. Yay! The spell is ready.

  Macbeth

  Banquo, I’m almost there. This weather is TERRIBLE!! At least we won! Did you I’m #Trending?!

  Banquo

  Congrats!

  Hey, can you see those ? WTF! They have longer beards than me.

  Witch #1

  Hail, Macbeth, Thane of Glamis.

  Macbeth

  Who are you & how did you get our numbers?!

  Witch #2

  Hail, Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor.

  Banquo

  Huh? Macbeth, did u get promoted w/o telling me?

  Witch #3

  Hail, Macbeth, soon 2 b king.

  Banquo

  Um, if u can see the future , can u give me good 2?

  Witch #1

  Banquo, < lesser than Macbeth and greater >.

  Witch #2

  Not as happy , but much happier .

  Witch #3

  You’ll have s, but you won’t be yourself.

  All hail Macbeth & Banquo!

  Macbeth

  Huh? I’m Thane of Glamis already. But IDK anything about Cawdor. Last I heard, that guy was still alive. (And the life of every party! ) And ? Well, that’s just crazy ! Tell me more…?

  Not Delivered

  Banquo

  Hello??

  Not Delivered

  Banquo

  Hey, Macbeth, my txts to aren’t goin thru.

  Macbeth

  They prob heard you comment on their beards. #SlowClap #TypicalBanquo

  Sux 2 be u, man. All those royal s, but never urself?

  Banquo

  Ha, right. Like ur actually gonna be !

  Group text: Ross, Angus, Macbeth, Banquo

  Ross

  Hey. I know ur still OTW from battle, but just FYI the king is pretty w/ u, Macbeth.

  Angus

  And…

  Ross

  He chose u as the new Thane of Cawdor.

  Macbeth

  But the old Thane of Cawdor’s still alive…rite? I don’t wear borrowed kilts, if u know what I mean. #ThaneLife

  Ross

  Yeah, he’s alive, but to the . He admitted to treason and everything. It’s all you.

  Macbeth

  Wow, thx!

  Macbeth

  Banquo, I’m Thane of Cawdor! Do you think this means your s will be after all?

  Banquo

  They said u were gonna be remember?! But we should b careful. Maybe it’s all a trick.

  Macbeth

  Yeah, the best trick EVER!

  Banquo

  Can the tell the truth?

  The Three Witches like this.

  REPLY

  Okay. Let’s look @ the facts. The Cawdor thing is great , but I can’t become , can I? Not until Duncan dies, anyway. And IMHO I don’t that happening any soon.

  To-Do List:

&nb
sp; 1. Patiently wait for Duncan 2 die