Macbeth #killingit Read online

  Ross: Do you guys wanna reschedule? It seems Macbeth is a little under the weather …or something…. #Kingsgiving

  Lady Macbeth: Oh, don’t mind him. He gets like that sometimes. Please start eating and he’ll be back to his old self in no . #Kingsgiving

  Banquo’s ghost has checked out of “Macbeth’s First Annual #Kingsgiving!”

  Lady Macbeth

  What’s WRONG with you!? Pull it together!

  Macbeth

  Didn’t you see that post in the #Kingsgiving feed from Banquo??? ICYMI he’s taunting me!

  Lady Macbeth

  What are you talking about!? There was no post from Banquo! It was just Lennox, Ross, and all the other lords. You’re acting like a !

  Banquo

  Yeah, Macbeth. You’re just hallucinating. None of this is real.

  Macbeth

  It’s still happening! Even now! Can’t you see it?

  Lady Macbeth

  No idea what ur talking abt. Restore ur to factory settings. AND ACT NORMAL!

  Banquo

  Yeah. Just act normal, Macbeth. Lol.

  Macbeth

  STOP! Why are u doing this, Banquo?!

  Lady Macbeth

  Stop it! Macbeth, ur acting crazy. And I look like an @$$ 4 texting in the middle of dinner!

  Macbeth

  He’s come 4 me, 2 avenge his death. I’m sure of it. That’s how these things go. I should have known.

  Lady Macbeth

  Look. We still have guests here. Take a minute, pull urself 2gether, and come back to the dining room.

  #Kingsgiving (Cont.)

  Macbeth: Sry 4 being a creepy weirdo. I’m all good now. Just get a little from time to time. #Kingsgiving

  Banquo’s ghost has checked into “Macbeth’s First Annual #Kingsgiving!”

  Macbeth: STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! #Kingsgiving

  Lady Macbeth: Oh, lol. Here we go again! Someone cut him off! #Kingsgiving

  Macbeth: If you were a or or , then maybe u could scare me. But you’re . You’re just a ! #Kingsgiving

  Banquo’s ghost has checked out of “Macbeth’s First Annual #Kingsgiving!”

  Ross: Wuts wrong, Macbeth? #Kingsgiving

  Lady Macbeth: U know what, I think Ross’s idea is probably 4 the best. Why don’t u all grab a & take it w/ u? #Kingsgiving #2Go

  Lennox: Sure thing. Feel better, M! #Kingsgiving #WhatJustHappened

  Macbeth

  “Macbeth’s First Annual #Kingsgiving!” has been canceled.

  REPLY

  Lady Macbeth

  Well, I hope ur .

  Macbeth

  Blood will have blood. That’s what they say, isn’t it? Hey, whatever happened to Macduff?

  Lady Macbeth

  Did he RSVP?

  Macbeth

  No, but I he was coming 2 town. I have spies all over the kingdom now, just in .

  I g2g see the & figure out a of action. There’s no turning back now. #InIt2WinIt

  [Scene 5]

  Group text: Hecate, The Three Witches

  Hecate

  Well, I hope u witches r proud of urselves. Giving Macbeth s w/o asking me 1st.

  Witch #1

  Boss, you seem .

  Hecate

  You think?! From now on, u all need 2 do as I . Meet with Macbeth again, but this do it rite. Got it?

  Witch #1

  Witch #2

  Witch #3

  [Scene 6]

  Macduff

  Just chillin’ with my new BFF, king of England.

  REPLY

  King of England:

  #TeamMacduff

  #TheOneTrueKing

  Lennox likes this.

  [Scene 1]

  The Three Witches have created a new Kingterest board.

  Group Text: The Three Witches

  Witch #1

  U witches ready?

  Witch #2

  2x, 2x, toil & .

  Witch #3

  TrOUble, not trEble.

  Witch #2

  Same diff.

  Witch #1

  It’s fine. Keep going.

  Witch #3

  burn & bubble.

  Witch #2

  That’s green tea!

  Witch #3

  There’s no cauldron emoji.

  Witch #1

  U guys, we r never going 2 get thru this. Hurry up & this.

  Witch #2

  I just pinned the .

  Witch #3

  Don’t 4get the .

  Witch #1

  Awesome, thx, .

  Macbeth has saved “Spell for Macbeth” board to favorites.

  Group text: The Three Witches

  Witch #2

  Ugh. out. Something this way comes. #Macbeth

  Witch #1

  Txt him b4 he starts uploading selfies & ruins the whole board!!

  Group text: The Three Witches, Macbeth

  Witch #3

  What do u want, Macbeth?

  Macbeth

  What up, witches?

  Witch #1

  Wouldn’t u like 2 know.

  Macbeth

  I HAVE 2 KNOW MORE ABOUT MY FUTURE! I don’t care if the whole comes crashing down.

  Witch #1

  Wow. Ur gonna make a great , u know that? Check ur .

  Macbeth

  It’s a gif of a head in a helmet saying “BEWARE MACDUFF. Beware the thane of Fife” over and over.

  Witch #2

  Check again.

  Macbeth

  Ew! Now it’s an image of a bloody saying “No1 born of a shall harm Macbeth.”

  Is this some kind of sick meme?

  Witch #3

  There’s more.

  Macbeth

  K now I see a child wearing a and carrying a branch! I don’t get it. It says “Macbeth shall not lose power ’til Great Birnam Wood comes 2 Dunsinane.”

  Witch #3

  We know, Macbeth. We sent them 2 u.

  Macbeth

  So what’s the catch? A can’t move, right? So…I will be 4ever!

  Witch #1

  U said it, not me.

  Macbeth

  This is v helpful, but I have 1 last . Y will Banquo’s s be but mine won’t?

  Witch #1

  No spoilers!

  Macbeth

  I’ll curse u if u don’t tell me.

  Witch #1

  Fine, but don’t say we didn’t warn u.…

  #PurposefullyVague

  Banquo FTW.

  Macbeth

  Starting 2 think there’s more 2 this than u guys are letting on.…

  Not Delivered

  Hello?

  Not Delivered

  Macbeth has added 5 new selfies to “Spell for Macbeth” board.

  Lennox

  Macbeth, FYI Macduff has gone to .

  Macbeth

  WTF. He must b out 2 get me! The only reasonable thing 2 do now is Macduff’s whole .

  Lennox

  That feels…extreme. Is your on too tight?

  [Scene 2]

  Lady Macduff

  If any1 needs me, I’ll just b here, alone, w/o my husband, who didn’t say where he was going or why. Can some1 send me a link 2 a good divorce attorney?

  REPLY

  Ross: Don’t assume the worst! I’m sure wutever he’s doing, he is doing it 4 #TheRightReasons.

  Macduff’s Son: yah, mom. ur overreacting. dad’ll be back. you’ll c.

  Macduff’s Son: Do you hear ?

  Ross: Maybe you shouldn’t advertise that ur alone.…

  Lady Macduff: Why not?! I can post whatever I want! But I guess u can’t b 2 careful. Esp. bc I have lots of little kids & everythi

  Ross: Hello?

  Macbeth Reminders

  3 items

  Edit

  Don’t have kids w/ Lady Macbeth

  Delete incriminating texts

  Hire ppl 2 kill Macduff’s wife & kids

  [Scene 3]

  Malcolm
has added Trust Issues for Dummies to cart.

  To-Do List:

  1. Get on Malcolm’s good side.

  2. Convince him to attack Macbeth.

  3. Hire repairman to fix broken on front .

  4. Check in with wife and kids.

  Malcolm

  Macduff, aren’t u worried abt leaving ur wife & kids alone 2 fend 4 themselves?

  Macduff

  Instead of answering that perfectly good , I’m just gonna say I would NEVER do what Macbeth has done. Not for all the in the .

  Malcolm

  ICYMI is sending 10,000 troops 2 fight Macbeth. Since I’m supposed 2 b , now wud prob b a good 2 mention that I’m not xactly the most upstanding person, ya know? Next to me, Macbeth looks pure as .

  Macduff

  WTF? Macbeth is worse than the himself.

  Malcolm

  Yeah, but I kinda got a thing 4 the ladies. If I was , I’d just all the time. And not in a cute bf/gf way. Know what I mean?

  Is there a bed emoji? That could help get my point across.

  Macduff

  No, I’m good. Listen, ur Duncan’s heir! U can’t be worse than Macbeth!!! Just keep it in ur in public, & on ur own .

  Malcolm

  K, well, there is sumthing else.

  Macduff

  *facepalm* Go on…

  Malcolm

  I’d probably steal all the and in the kingdom. #AllTheThings

  Macduff

  Look, Malcolm. We can get u plenty of and when ur . NBD.

  Malcolm

  Yeah, & that’d prob b enough if I wasn’t THE WORST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER LIVED.

  Macduff

  I give up. Ur unfit 2 be .

  Malcolm

  Wait wait wait! That was all a trick 2 c if u could be trusted. U passed the test! I am the exact OPPOSITE of all those things!

  Macduff

  My head hurts. Now I don’t know what 2 think.

  Group text: Ross, Macduff, Malcolm

  Ross

  Malcolm! Macduff! Please come back 2 Scotland. So much has gone down. IDK where 2 start.

  Macduff

  That sux. We’ll get back asap. How’s my family?

  Ross

  Oh, u know.

  Macduff

  No, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.

  Ross

  They r fine…

  ish.

  Macduff

  What does that mean? TELL ME

  Ross

  They’re all dead.

  Macduff

  NOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OO

  OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OO

  OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OOOO​OO

  Ross

  Yeah, if u knew how bad it was u’d probably drop from shock. Sorry 2 b the er of bad .

  Macduff

  Why did I leave them alone?! *facepalm* FML

  Malcolm

  This has Macbeth written all over it. We need 2 take that guy out NOW.

  Macduff

  Macbeth doesn’t have any children. So I can never get even. But I’ll do what I can 2 get revenge.

  Malcolm

  Good timing. The from should be ready by now. Let’s go kick a$$!

  [Scene 1]

  KingMD / Symptom Checker

  Symptoms

  Sleepwalks

  Sleeptalks

  Rubs hands

  Carries candle

  Result: Diagnosis Unknown

  Gentlewoman

  Doctor, we desperately need ur help! Lady Macbeth is walking, talking, carrying around a candle, and rubbing her hands together like a madwoman.

  Doctor

  I see. And what kinds of things is she saying?

  Gentlewoman

  Things like “Out, damned spot!” & “Who would have thought the had so much blood in him?” & “The thane of Fife had a ,” etc.

  Doctor

  It to me like she needs an more than a ! Keep your on her, and make sure she doesn’t get her on anything dangerous.

  Gentlewoman

  K, but I was kinda hoping for medical advice!!

  Doctor

  IDK what to tell you.

  Try bloodletting?

  [Scene 2]

  Lennox, Angus, Menteith, and Caithness have checked into Great Birnam Wood.

  Macduff, Malcolm, and Siward like this.

  Menteith

  Macduff, Malcolm, & the 10,000 s are almost here!

  REPLY

  Angus: Woo Hoo!

  Lennox: Whatever it takes 2 overthrow Macbeth & get the rightful on2 the throne.

  [Scene 3]

  Macbeth

  Man, I’d b rly nervous right now if it wasn’t 4 those prophecies!

  REPLY

  Servant: Sir, u might wanna look out ur window.

  Macbeth: Oh yeah? Well u might want 2 STFU!!!

  Seyton: No, srsly, r coming 2 kill u.

  Macbeth: Anyone else want 2 give me bad news?

  Doctor: Your wife has gone crazy.

  Doctor: Also I just sent you my bill.

  Macbeth: There it is.

  [Scene 4]

  Malcolm

  Every1 break off s from s in Great Birnam Wood. We’ll hide behind them 2 disguise ourselves. #DunsinaneOrBust

  REPLY

  Siward: Ur is , Macbeth, or I’m not the commander of the s.

  Malcolm: And he’s totally the commander of the s, soooo ur is !

  Siward: Thx for that totally unnecessary post, Malcolm.

  [Scene 5]

  Macbeth

  Are we ready? Are all the soldiers in place? (The ones that haven’t deserted.)

  Seyton

  IDK how 2 tell u this, but I have bad . The queen is dead.

  Macbeth

  FML. I guess she would have eventually. Every turns in2 the next and there is nothing we can do 2 stop . Poof! Like a short-lived candle . Life is just a walking shadow , like onstage, reciting memorized lines that sound important @ the time, but ultimately have meaning.

  Seyton

  TL;DR

  Macbeth

  Life sux & then u die.

  Seyton

  True.

  Servant

  I know this sounds , but it looks like Great Birnam Wood is marching 2ward the !

  Macbeth

  WHAAAAT! OMG NO!!!!! It can’t b true!!!

  Servant

  See 4 urself!

  Macbeth

  Great Birnam Wood has checked into Dunsinane.

  The Three Witches like this.