Macbeth #killingit Read online

  [Scene 6]

  Malcolm

  Every1 throw ur s on2 the ground! Blow the !!! This one’s for you, Dad!

  Siward likes this.

  REPLY

  Siward: IS GOIN !

  [Scene 7]

  Macbeth

  Macbeth has created an online survey:

  REPLY

  Young Siward

  REPLY

  Young Siward: I was born of a woman, but I’m gonna fight you like a man.

  Macbeth: *Wipes blood off sword* Nice try. Anyone else?

  [Scene 8]

  Macduff

  Face me, u coward.

  Macbeth

  Macduff? *sigh* I’ve already killed ur whole . Isn’t that enough?

  Macduff

  My is my voice. #NoWords

  Macbeth

  Save urself the trouble. I’m and can’t be killed by any1 born of a woman, including u.

  Macduff

  Is that so?

  Macduff

  REPLY

  Macbeth

  Well, that’s ironic.

  Macduff

  You mean “coincidental.”

  Macbeth

  Either way! I definitely don’t want 2 fight u now!

  Macduff

  If you’d rather wave the white we could spare ur life, put u in a like the that u are.…

  Macbeth

  Meh. That doesn’t sound much better than dying a painful death.

  Macduff

  Meet me downstairs. Bring ur sword & let the games begin.

  Group text: Malcolm, Siward, Ross

  Malcolm

  I wish no one had 2 die. I hate how war has 2 be so violent.

  Siward

  Life, ya know? But fortunately we didn’t lose 2 many .

  Ross

  Yeah, but we did lose ur son.

  Siward

  Tell me, were his wounds on his back (from away) or his front (from valiantly)?

  Ross

  His front.

  Siward

  Well, that’s all I can ask 4. I’m as proud as any father can be. 2 he goes. Hold on. I just got a txt from Macduff.…

  Macduff has posted a photo to the album:

  *NSFL* Macbeth’s Head on a Stick

  REPLY

  Group text: Macduff, Malcolm, Ross, Siward

  Macduff

  We won!!!! Did you guys see what I just “posted”?? Get it?! #SeeWhatIDidThere

  Malcolm

  YESSS!!

  Macduff

  All hail Malcolm! #The1TrueKing

  Malcolm

  THX, EVERYONE!!! You’re all invited to see me ed!

  Oh, what the ! You get to be an earl! And you get to be an earl! And you! And that’s everyone on this group text!

  Macduff

  Should we have a moment of silence for Lady Macbeth’s suicide?

  Malcolm

  Wow, way to ruin the moment, dude.

  Macduff

  Hey, Malcolm, now that you’re the king…you were JK about all that stuff u said earlier: , right?

  Malcolm

  Guess u’ll just hafta wait & see.

  The 411 for Those Not in the Know

  411: Information

  AKA: Also Known As

  ASAP: As Soon As Possible

  BFF: Best Friend Forever

  BRB: Be Right Back

  BTW: By The Way

  CTFO: Chill The F*ck Out

  FML: F*ck My Life

  FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out

  FTW: For The Win

  FYI: For Your Information

  G2G: Got To Go

  GTFO: Get The F*ck Out

  ICYMI: In Case You Missed It

  IDK: I Don’t Know

  IMHO: In My Humble Opinion

  IRL: In Real Life

  JIC: Just In Case

  JK: Just Kidding

  JW: Just Wondering

  LMAO: Laughing My A$$ Off

  LOL: Laughing Out Loud

  LOLZ: Laughing Out Loud (ironically)

  NBD: No Big Deal

  NP: No Problem

  NSFL: Not Safe For Life

  OMG: Oh My God

  OTW: On The Way

  ROTFLMAO: Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A$$ Off

  SMH: Shaking My Head

  STFU: Shut The F*ck Up

  TBD: To Be Determined

  TL;DR: Too Long; Didn’t Read

  TTYL: Talk To You Later

  WTF: What The F*ck?

  WTG: Way To Go

  YOLO: You Only Live Once

  Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book

  Angry

  Anguished

  Anxious

  Confounded

  Confused

  Cool

  Dead (or Dying)

  Disappointed

  Embarrassed (and/or Drunk)

  Evil (Devil)

  Flirty

  Friendly (wink, wink)

  Fuming Mad

  Goofy

  Happy

  Innocent

  Nervous

  Nothing

  Really Angry

  Sad

  Sad (and Crying)

  Sad (and Sobbing)

  Scared

  Scared (and Screaming)

  Sheepish (and/or Grimacing)

  Sick

  Silent

  Sleepy

  Sly

  Surprised

  Unamused

  Worried

  COURTNEY CARBONE studied English and creative writing in Baltimore, before moving to New York City to become a full-time children’s book editor. When she isn’t collaborating with the greatest playwright of all time, Courtney can be found studying various forms of comedy and trying to finish the joke “Two groundlings walk into a bard.…”

  @CBCarbone

  CourtneyCarbone.com

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE was born in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1564. He was an English poet, playwright, and actor, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world’s preeminent dramatist. His plays have been translated into every major language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

  [Scene 1]

  Oberon

  Soooo…wanna explain what’s going on?

  That new from India should be one of my knights, not hanging out with you.

  Titania

  I can’t even with you.

  Oberon

  Excuse me. As my wife, you’re supposed to, IDK, listen to me!

  Titania

  You’re pulling the MARRIAGE card? OK, then! Maybe you’d like to explain why you’re sooo in with Hippolyta. You keep leaving our to woo her, and everyone knows it.

  Oberon

  HDU. Also, you’re such a hypocrite. As if you aren’t completely into Theseus. Psh. You’ve sabotaged all his relationships because of it.

  Titania

  Liiiiiies!

  I’m so tired of arguing. It keeps interrupting every meeting I have with my fairies. And because of it, everything has been all mixed up since the beginning of summer. The is off its axis! All the seasons are screwed up.

  #hotmess

  Oberon

  Fix it, then!

  By letting the new kid hang out with my friends and me.

  Titania

  No way. I promised his I’d take care of him right before she died giving birth to him. A little detail you like to overlook.

  Oberon

  I’m over you. How long are you staying in the forest?

  Titania

  IDK. Maybe until after Theseus’s marriage.

  The fairies and I are celebrating tonight. I guess you can come if you get over yourself. Otherwise, leave us alone and we’ll do the same for you.

  Oberon

  Hand over the and I’ll party with you.

  Titania

  BYE.

  Oberon

  Puck! Hey, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. How’s it going?

  Puck

  Dandy!
What’s up?

  Oberon

  I was just thinking …and I remembered something. One night I saw Cupid aim his bow and shoot an arrow at a girl, but she was too busy to notice and I watched the arrow fall and hit a .

  I kinda sorta maybe definitely need that now. I showed it to you once. Remember?

  Puck

  Okeydoke, but why?

  Oberon

  Because, tbh, if you rub it onto someone’s while they’re , then when they wake up, they’ll fall in with the first person they see.

  Bring it to me quickly, please.

  Puck

  Aye-aye, captain.

  HA! Once I have that , I’ll use it on Titania while she’s asleep. After she falls in with whatever she first—even if it’s a , , or —I’ll promise to cure her with the other plant that I have—only if she agrees to let me have the . Easy, breezy. Nothing can go wrong!

  Puck has checked into a flower garden in the forest.

  Demetrius has checked into the forest.

  Helena has checked into two trees behind Demetrius.

  Demetrius

  Are you following me

  Helena

  uhhh

  Demetrius

  I see you behind that .

  You have GOT to stop stalking me.

  Helena

  nmf. i’m so crazy about u. u hold this power over me!

  i can’t let go until u let go of me.

  Demetrius

  WTF. I tell you constantly that I. Don’t. Love. You. Never have, never will. Is that #closure enough?

  Helena

  if it wasn’t for me, u wouldn’t even know about hermia and lysander running away. so yw.

  Demetrius

  And I’ve been going in trying to find them. Were you really lying? Was this a trick to be alone with me?

  Helena

  no, i swear! i’m like ur little . i’m always going to follow u around. it’s kinda cute, y/y?

  Demetrius

  Ugh, you make me .

  You shouldn’t be here, you know, all alone in the woods.

  Helena

  i’m not alone if ur here.

  Demetrius

  I wish a wild would eat you. You’re so annoying!

  Helena

  ur crueler than any , so it’s nbd.

  Demetrius

  OMG. That’s it. I’m leaving.

  And you better not follow me!

  Helena

  this is so messed up. u should be the one chasing me, u know!

  Oberon

  Hey, buddy! Did you get the ?

  Puck

  Yep! I’ll bring it over in a sec.

  Oberon

  Awesome! I want you to keep some of it as well.

  I’m going to find Titania. But with your part, I need you to do me a favor.

  I overheard a couple fighting in the forest just now. Can you perform a little switcheroo? Find the man from Athens, and make sure you rub a huge amount of the on his . He’ll be chasing her for once, hehehe. TTYL!

  [Scene 2]

  Titania

  Woo-hoo! Can’t wait to and celebrate all night long! Twist, twirl, shake it off…and then my fairies will sing me to sleep. I LOVE love! Congrats, T+H!

  Theseus, Hippolyta, and 5 others like this.

  REPLY

  Hippolyta: Thx, sweetie! xoxo

  Oberon has checked into Titania’s chambers.

  Great—she’s asleep. Now to squeeze this into her . When you wake up, you’ll love whatever you see first. Even if it’s a . TT4N.

  Lysander and Hermia have checked into a part of the forest they swear they’ve seen before.

  Lysander has checked into a grassy knoll.

  Hermia has checked into a cozy bush a few trees away from Lysander.

  Lysander

  Hey, what are you doing all the way over there?

  Hermia

  IDK. Maybe we shouldn’t sleep so close together.

  Lysander

  Sorry! I wasn’t trying to get fresh with you—promise.

  I just think it would be nice to finally be close to each other. The whole night.

  Two , one sweet spot.

  Hermia

  Ooh, you flirt. I’m almost convinced.

  But it’s better this way. We have to be good until we’re married.

  Lysander

  Amen. Sweet dreams!

  Lysander

  Can’t find my way out of Athens, but at least I get to sleep next to my bae. —feeling lost

  REPLY

  Puck has checked into the forest.

  I’ve been running around this forest all day and I haven’t seen anyone from Athens! I’m exhausted. Aha! A couple sleeping. So this must be the guy who doesn’t love this girl. I know what to do. Hope this makes you fall in love with her so hard that you’ll never sleep again.

  Demetrius has checked into a different part of the forest.

  Helena

  can u plz slow down?? i can’t keep up w/u.

  Helena has checked into four trees behind Demetrius.

  Demetrius

  You’re more attached to me than my own shadow! Get a clue. I’m trying to lose you.

  Helena

  fine. leave me here in the dark. idc n-e-more.

  Demetrius

  Great! Bye!!

  Helena

  life is a bottomless pit. i’ll never be good enuf for him—feeling bummed.

  Helena and two others like this.

  REPLY

  Helena has checked into the grassy brush.

  Helena

  lysander, is that u? u awake?

  Lysander

  YAWN. I was just resting my eyes.

  Wait.

  Helena, is that you over there?

  How have I never noticed before? You’re so beautiful! You’re as bright as the today!

  Is Demetrius with you? I could kill him for the way he treats you!

  Helena

  y? it doesn’t matter. he luvs hermia, but she luvs u.

  u don’t have n-e-thing to worry about. ur lucky. be happy w/hermia.

  Lysander

  Happy with Hermia Yeah right.

  She is capital B booorrring. I don’t even like her, let alone love her.

  In fact, I love YOU, Helena!

  But Wait! There’s More!

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  I see an awesome in your future.

  Scrooge

  Yeah, great. You people get new OMG and I get .

  #worstgiftever

  Darcy

  Speaking of worst things, I just got back from the worst ball EVER.

  Lizzy

  You know I’m on this group text, right? #thisiswhyimsingle

  Darcy

  Wait, no, you misunderstood.…