The Two Gentlemen of Verona Read online

  VALENTINE Why, how know you that I am in love?

  SPEED Marry, by these special marks17: first, you have

  learned -- like Sir Proteus -- to wreathe18 your arms like a

  malcontent: to relish19 a love-song like a robin-redbreast: to

  walk alone like one that had the pestilence20: to sigh like a

  school-boy that had lost his A B C21: to weep like a young

  wench that had buried her grandam22: to fast like one that

  takes diet: to watch23 like one that fears robbing: to speak

  puling like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont24, when you

  laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like

  one of the lions: when you fasted, it was presently26 after

  dinner: when you looked sadly, it was for want27 of money.

  And now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that,

  when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.

  VALENTINE Are all these things perceived in me?

  SPEED They are all perceived without ye.31

  VALENTINE Without me?32 They cannot.

  SPEED Without33 you? Nay, that's certain: for, without you

  were so simple, none else would. But you are so without

  these follies, that these follies are within you, and shine35

  through you like the water in an urinal36, that not an eye that

  sees you but is a physician to comment on your malady.37

  VALENTINE But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?

  SPEED She that you gaze on so, as she sits at supper?

  VALENTINE Hast thou observed that? Even she40, I mean.

  SPEED Why sir, I know her not.

  VALENTINE Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet

  know'st her not?

  SPEED Is she not hard-favoured44, sir?

  VALENTINE Not so fair, boy, as well-favoured.45

  SPEED Sir, I know that well enough.

  VALENTINE What dost thou know?

  SPEED That she is not so fair as, of you, well-favoured.48

  VALENTINE I mean that her beauty is exquisite, but her favour49

  infinite.

  SPEED That's because the one is painted and the other out51

  of all count.

  VALENTINE How painted? And how out of count?

  SPEED Marry, sir, so painted to make her fair, that no man

  counts of55 her beauty.

  VALENTINE How esteem'st thou me?56 I account of her beauty.

  SPEED You never saw her since she was deformed.57

  VALENTINE How long hath she been deformed?

  SPEED Ever since you loved her.

  VALENTINE I have loved her ever since I saw her, and still I see

  her beautiful.

  SPEED If you love her, you cannot see her.

  VALENTINE Why?

  SPEED Because Love is blind.64 O, that you had mine eyes, or

  your own eyes had the lights65 they were wont to have when

  you chid at Sir Proteus for going ungartered!66

  VALENTINE What should I see then?

  SPEED Your own present folly and her passing deformity:

  for he, being in love, could not see to garter his hose69; and you,

  being in love, cannot see to put on your hose.

  VALENTINE Belike, boy, then you are in love, for last morning

  you could not see to wipe my shoes.

  SPEED True, sir: I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you

  swinged74 me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide

  you for yours.

  VALENTINE In conclusion, I stand affected to76 her.

  SPEED I would you were set77, so your affection would cease.

  VALENTINE Last night she enjoined me to write some lines to

  one she loves.

  SPEED And have you?

  VALENTINE I have.

  SPEED Are they not lamely writ?

  VALENTINE No, boy, but as well as I can do them.

  Peace! Here she comes.

  Aside

  SPEED O, excellent motion!85 O, exceeding

  puppet! Now will he interpret to her.86

  [Enter Silvia]

  VALENTINE Madam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.

  Aside

  SPEED O, 'give ye good ev'n: here's a million of88 manners.

  SILVIA Sir Valentine and servant89, to you two thousand.

  Aside

  SPEED He should give her interest, and she gives it him.90

  VALENTINE As you enjoined me, I have writ your letter

  Unto the secret, nameless friend92 of yours,

  Which I was much unwilling to proceed in

  Gives her a letter

  But for my duty to your ladyship.

  SILVIA I thank you, gentle servant: 'tis very clerkly95 done.

  VALENTINE Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off:96

  For being ignorant to whom it goes

  I writ at random, very doubtfully.98

  SILVIA Perchance you think too much of so much pains?99

  VALENTINE No, madam, so it stead you100, I will write--

  Please you command -- a thousand times as much.

  And yet--

  SILVIA A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel,103

  And yet I will not name it: and yet I care not.

  Offers him the letter

  And yet take this105 again. And yet I thank you,

  Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.

  Aside

  SPEED And yet you will, and yet another 'yet'.

  VALENTINE What means your ladyship? Do you not like it?

  SILVIA Yes, yes: the lines are very quaintly109 writ,

  Offers the letter again

  But, since unwillingly, take them again.110

  Nay, take them.

  VALENTINE Madam, they are for you.

  SILVIA Ay, ay: you writ them, sir, at my request,

  But I will none of114 them. They are for you:

  I would have had them writ more movingly.

  VALENTINE Please you, I'll write your ladyship another.

  SILVIA And when it's writ, for my sake read it over,

  And if it please you, so118: if not, why, so.

  VALENTINE If it please me, madam? What then?

  SILVIA Why, if it please you, take it for your labour;120

  And so, good morrow, servant.

  Exit

  Aside

  SPEED O, jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible

  As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!

  My master sues to124 her, and she hath taught her suitor,

  He being her pupil, to become her tutor.

  O, excellent device!126 Was there ever heard a better?

  That my master, being scribe,

  To himself should write the letter?

  VALENTINE How now, sir? What, are you reasoning129 with yourself?

  SPEED Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.

  VALENTINE To do what?

  SPEED To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia.

  VALENTINE To whom?

  SPEED To yourself: why, she woos you by a figure.134

  VALENTINE What figure?

  SPEED By a letter, I should say.

  VALENTINE Why, she hath not writ to me?

  SPEED What need she, when she hath made you write to

  yourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?

  VALENTINE No, believe me.

  SPEED No believing you indeed, sir. But did you perceive

  her earnest?142

  VALENTINE She gave me none143, except an angry word.

  SPEED Why, she hath given you a letter.

  VALENTINE That's the letter I writ to her friend.

  SPEED And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.146

  VALENTINE I would it were no worse.

  SPEED I'll warrant148 you, 'tis as well:

  For often have
you writ to her, and she in modesty,

  Or else for want150 of idle time, could not again reply,

  Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,151

  Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.

  All this I speak in print153, for in print I found it.

  Why muse you, sir? 'Tis dinner-time.

  VALENTINE I have dined.155

  SPEED Ay, but hearken, sir: though the chameleon Love156

  can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my

  victuals, and would fain158 have meat. O, be not like your

  mistress: be moved159, be moved.

  Exeunt

  Act 2 Scene 2

  running scene 5

  Enter Proteus [and] Julia

  PROTEUS Have patience, gentle Julia.

  JULIA I must, where is2 no remedy.

  PROTEUS When possibly I can, I will return.

  JULIA If you turn4 not, you will return the sooner.

  Keep this remembrance5 for thy Julia's sake.

  Gives a ring

  PROTEUS Why then, we'll make exchange; here, take you this.

  Gives a ring

  JULIA And seal the bargain with a holy kiss.

  They kiss

  PROTEUS Here is my hand for my true constancy:8

  And when that hour o'erslips9 me in the day,

  Wherein I sigh not, Julia, for thy sake,

  The next ensuing hour some foul mischance11

  Torment me for my love's forgetfulness.

  My father stays13 my coming: answer not,

  The tide is now; nay, not thy tide of tears,

  That tide will stay15 me longer than I should.

  Julia, farewell. What, gone without a word?

  [Exit Julia]

  Ay, so true love should do: it cannot speak,

  For truth hath better deeds than words to grace18 it.

  [Enter Pantino]

  PANTINO Sir Proteus, you are stayed for.

  PROTEUS Go: I come, I come.

  Alas, this parting strikes poor lovers dumb.

  Exeunt

  Act 2 Scene 3

  running scene 6

  Enter Lance [leading his dog, Crab]

  LANCE Nay, 'twill be this hour ere1 I have done weeping: all

  the kind2 of the Lances have this very fault. I have received

  my proportion, like the prodigious3 son, and am going with

  Sir Proteus to the Imperial's court. I think Crab4, my dog, be

  the sourest-natured dog that lives: my mother weeping, my

  father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat

  wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity,

  yet did not this cruel-hearted cur8 shed one tear: he is a stone,

  a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog.

  A Jew10 would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my

  grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my

  parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This shoe12 is my

  father. No, this left13 shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is

  my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so:

  it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole15 in it is my

  mother, and this my father. A vengeance on't16, there 'tis.

  Now, sir, this staff17 is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as

  a lily and as small as a wand.18 This hat is Nan, our maid. I am

  the dog: no, the dog is himself, and I am the dog. O, the dog is

  me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father.

  Father, your21 blessing: now should not the shoe speak a word

  for weeping. Now should I kiss my father: well, he weeps on.

  Now come I to my mother: O, that she could speak now like a

  wood24 woman! Well, I kiss her. Why, there 'tis; here's my

  mother's breath up and down.25 Now come I to my sister;

  mark26 the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds

  not a tear nor speaks a word: but see how I lay the dust27 with

  my tears.

  [Enter Pantino]

  PANTINO Lance, away, away: aboard! Thy master is shipped,

  and thou art to post30 after with oars. What's the matter? Why

  weep'st thou, man? Away, ass, you'll lose31 the tide, if you

  tarry any longer.

  LANCE It is no matter if the tied33 were lost, for it is the

  unkindest tied that ever any man tied.

  PANTINO What's the unkindest tide?

  LANCE Why, he that's tied here, Crab, my dog.

  PANTINO Tut, man, I mean thou'lt lose the flood37, and in

  losing the flood, lose thy voyage, and in losing thy voyage,

  lose thy master, and in losing thy master, lose thy service,

  Lance gestures for him to stop

  and in losing thy service--Why dost thou stop

  my mouth?

  LANCE For fear thou shouldst lose42 thy tongue.

  PANTINO Where should I lose my tongue?

  LANCE In thy tale.44

  PANTINO In thy tail!45

  LANCE Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and

  the service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river were dry, I am

  able to fill it with my tears: if the wind were down, I could

  drive the boat with my sighs.

  PANTINO Come: come away, man. I was sent to call50 thee.

  LANCE Sir, call me what thou dar'st.

  PANTINO Wilt thou go?

  LANCE Well, I will go.

  Exeunt

  Act 2 Scene 4

  running scene 7

  Enter Valentine, Silvia, Turio [and] Speed

  SILVIA Servant!

  VALENTINE Mistress?

  SPEED Master, Sir Turio frowns on you.

  VALENTINE Ay, boy, it's for love.

  SPEED Not of you.

  VALENTINE Of my mistress, then.

  SPEED 'Twere good you knocked7 him.

  [Exit]

  SILVIA Servant, you are sad.

  VALENTINE Indeed, madam, I seem so.

  TURIO Seem you that10 you are not?

  VALENTINE Haply I do.

  TURIO So do counterfeits.12

  VALENTINE So do you.

  TURIO What seem I that I am not?

  VALENTINE Wise.

  TURIO What instance16 of the contrary?

  VALENTINE Your folly.

  TURIO And how quote18 you my folly?

  VALENTINE I quote it in your jerkin.19

  TURIO My jerkin is a doublet.20

  VALENTINE Well, then, I'll double your folly.

  TURIO How?22

  SILVIA What, angry, Sir Turio? Do you change colour?

  VALENTINE Give him leave, madam, he is a kind of chameleon.

  TURIO That hath more mind to feed on your blood than live25

  in your air.

  VALENTINE You have said, sir.

  TURIO Ay, sir, and done too, for this time.28

  VALENTINE I know it well, sir: you always end ere you begin.29

  SILVIA A fine volley30 of words, gentlemen, and quickly shot

  off.

  VALENTINE 'Tis indeed, madam, we thank the giver.

  SILVIA Who is that, servant?

  VALENTINE Yourself, sweet lady, for you gave the fire.34 Sir Turio

  borrows his wit from your ladyship's looks, and spends what

  he borrows kindly36 in your company.

  TURIO Sir, if you spend37 word for word with me, I shall make

  your wit bankrupt.

  VALENTINE I know it well, sir: you have an exchequer39 of words

  and, I think, no other treasure to give your followers, for it

  appears by their bare liveries41 that they live by your bare

  words.

  SILVIA No more, gentlemen, no more: here comes my

 
; father.

  [Enter Duke]

  DUKE Now, daughter Silvia, you are hard beset.45

  Sir Valentine, your father is in good health:

  What say you to a letter from your friends

  Of much good news?

  VALENTINE My lord, I will be thankful

  To any happy messenger50 from thence.

  DUKE Know ye Don Antonio, your countryman?51

  VALENTINE Ay, my good lord, I know the gentleman

  To be of worth and worthy estimation,53

  And not without desert54 so well reputed.

  DUKE Hath he not a son?

  VALENTINE Ay, my good lord, a son that well deserves

  The honour and regard of such a father.

  DUKE You know him well?

  VALENTINE I knew him as myself, for from our infancy

  We have conversed and spent our hours together,

  And though myself have been an idle truant,

  Omitting62 the sweet benefit of time

  To clothe mine age63 with angel-like perfection,

  Yet hath Sir Proteus -- for that's his name--

  Made use and fair advantage of his days:

  His years but young, but his experience old,

  His head unmellowed but his judgement ripe,67

  And in a word -- for far behind his worth

  Comes all the praises that I now bestow--

  He is complete in feature70 and in mind,

  With all good grace to grace a gentleman.

  DUKE Beshrew me, sir, but if he make this good,72

  He is as worthy for an empress' love,

  As meet to be an emperor's counsellor.

  Well, sir, this gentleman is come to me,

  With commendation from great potentates,76

  And here he means to spend his time awhile:

  I think 'tis no unwelcome news to you.

  VALENTINE Should I have wished a thing, it had been he.

  DUKE Welcome him then according to his worth.

  Silvia, I speak to you, and you, Sir Turio,

  For Valentine, I need not cite82 him to it:

  I will send him hither to you presently.

  [Exit]

  VALENTINE This is the gentleman I told your ladyship

  Had come85 along with me, but that his mistress

  Did hold his eyes locked in her crystal looks.86

  SILVIA Belike that now she hath enfranchised them87

  Upon some other pawn for fealty.

  VALENTINE Nay, sure, I think she holds them prisoners still.

  SILVIA Nay, then he should be blind, and being blind,

  How could he see his way to seek out you?

  VALENTINE Why, lady, Love hath twenty pair of eyes.

  TURIO They say that Love hath not an eye at all.93

  VALENTINE To see such lovers, Turio, as yourself:

  Upon a homely object, Love can wink.95

  SILVIA Have done, have done: here comes the gentleman.

  [Turio may exit]

  [Enter Proteus]

  VALENTINE Welcome, dear Proteus! Mistress, I beseech you,

  Confirm his welcome with some special favour.

  SILVIA His worth is warrant99 for his welcome hither,

  If this be he you oft have wished to hear from.