All's Well That Ends Well Read online

  HELEN To Saint Jaques le Grand.

  Where do the palmers32 lodge, I do beseech you?

  WIDOW At the Saint Francis here beside the port.33

  A march afar

  HELEN Is this the way?

  WIDOW Ay, marry, is't. Hark you!

  They come this way. If you will tarry36,

  Holy pilgrim, but till the troops come by,

  I will conduct you where you shall be lodged,

  The rather for39 I think I know your hostess

  As ample40 as myself.

  HELEN Is it yourself?

  WIDOW If you shall please so, pilgrim.

  HELEN I thank you, and will stay upon your leisure.43

  WIDOW You came, I think, from France?

  HELEN I did so.

  WIDOW Here you shall see a countryman of yours

  That has done worthy service.

  HELEN His name, I pray you.

  DIANA The Count Rossillion. Know you such a one?

  HELEN But by the ear, that hears most nobly of him:

  His face I know not.

  DIANA Whatsome'er52 he is,

  He's bravely taken53 here. He stole from France,

  As 'tis reported, for54 the king had married him

  Against his liking. Think you it is so?

  HELEN Ay, surely, mere56 the truth. I know his lady.

  DIANA There is a gentleman that serves the count

  Reports but coarsely of her.

  HELEN What's his name?

  DIANA Monsieur Parolles.

  HELEN O, I believe61 with him,

  In argument of praise, or to62 the worth

  Of the great count himself, she is too mean63

  To have her name repeated. All her deserving64

  Is a reserved honesty65, and that

  I have not heard examined.66

  DIANA Alas, poor lady!

  'Tis a hard bondage to become the wife

  Of a detesting lord.

  WIDOW I write70 good creature: wheresoe'er she is,

  Her heart weighs sadly. This young maid might do her

  A shrewd72 turn if she pleased.

  HELEN How do you mean?

  Maybe the amorous count solicits her

  In the unlawful purpose?

  WIDOW He does indeed,

  And brokes with all that can in such a suit77

  Corrupt the tender honour of a maid.

  But she is armed for him and keeps her guard

  In honestest80 defence.

  Drum and colours. Enter Count Rossillion [Bertram], Parolles and the whole army

  MARIANA The gods forbid else!81

  WIDOW So, now they come:

  That is Antonio, the duke's eldest son.

  That, Escalus.

  HELEN Which is the Frenchman?

  DIANA He,

  That with the plume. 'Tis a most gallant fellow.

  I would he loved his wife: if he were honester88

  He were much goodlier. Is't not a handsome gentleman?

  HELEN I like him well.

  DIANA 'Tis pity he is not honest. Yond's that same knave

  That leads him to these places. Were I his lady,

  I would poison that vile rascal.

  HELEN Which is he?

  DIANA That jackanapes95 with scarves. Why is he melancholy?

  HELEN Perchance he's hurt i'th'battle.

  PAROLLES Lose our drum! Well.

  MARIANA He's shrewdly98 vexed at something. Look, he has

  spied us.

  WIDOW Marry, hang you!

  MARIANA And your courtesy, for a ring-carrier!101

  Exeunt [Bertram, Parolles and army]

  WIDOW The troop is past. Come, pilgrim, I will bring you

  Where you shall host. Of enjoined penitents103

  There's four or five, to great Saint Jaques bound,

  Already at my house.

  HELEN I humbly thank you:

  Please it107 this matron and this gentle maid

  To eat with us tonight, the charge108 and thanking

  Shall be for me.109 And, to requite you further,

  I will bestow some precepts of110 this virgin

  Worthy the note.

  BOTH We'll take your offer kindly.112

  Exeunt

  [Act 3 Scene 6]

  running scene 12

  Enter Count Rossillion [Bertram] and the [two] Frenchmen, as at first

  SECOND LORD Nay, good my lord, put him to't1, let him have his

  way.

  FIRST LORD If your lordship find him not a hilding3, hold me no

  more in your respect.

  SECOND LORD On my life, my lord, a bubble.5

  BERTRAM Do you think I am so far deceived in him?

  SECOND LORD Believe it, my lord, in mine own direct knowledge,

  without any malice, but to speak of him as8 my kinsman, he's

  a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly

  promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality worthy

  your lordship's entertainment.11

  FIRST LORD It were fit you knew him, lest reposing12 too far in his

  virtue, which he hath not, he might at some great and trusty13

  business in a main danger fail you.

  BERTRAM I would I knew in what particular action to try15 him.

  FIRST LORD None better than to let him fetch off16 his drum,

  which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

  SECOND LORD I, with a troop of Florentines, will suddenly

  surprise him; such I will have whom I am sure he knows not19

  from the enemy: we will bind and hoodwink20 him so, that he

  shall suppose no other but that he is carried into the leaguer21

  of the adversaries, when we bring him to our own tents. Be

  but your lordship present at his examination. If he do not,

  for the promise of his life and in the highest compulsion of

  base fear, offer to betray you and deliver all the intelligence25 in

  his power against you, and that with the divine forfeit of his

  soul upon oath27, never trust my judgement in anything.

  FIRST LORD O, for the love of laughter, let him fetch his drum.

  He says he has a stratagem for't. When your lordship sees

  the bottom30 of his success in't, and to what metal this

  counterfeit lump of ore will be melted, if you give him not31

  John Drum's entertainment, your inclining32 cannot be

  removed. Here he comes.

  Enter Parolles

  Aside to Bertram

  SECOND LORD O, for the love of laughter, hinder not

  the honour of his design. Let him fetch off his drum

  in any hand.36

  BERTRAM How now, monsieur? This drum sticks sorely in37

  your disposition.

  FIRST LORD A pox39 on't! Let it go, 'tis but a drum.

  PAROLLES 'But a drum'? Is't 'but a drum'? A drum so lost?

  There was excellent command: to charge in with our horse

  upon our own wings, and to rend42 our own soldiers!

  FIRST LORD That was not to be blamed in the command of the43

  service: it was a disaster of war that Caesar himself could

  not have prevented if he had been there to command.

  BERTRAM Well, we cannot greatly condemn our success.

  Some dishonour we had in the loss of that drum, but it is not

  to be recovered.

  PAROLLES It might have been recovered.

  BERTRAM It might, but it is not now.

  PAROLLES It is to be recovered. But51 that the merit of service is

  seldom attributed to the true and exact performer, I would

  have that drum or another, or hic jacet53.

  BERTRAM Why, if you have a stomach54, to't, monsieur: if you

  think your mystery55 in stratagem can bring this instrument

  of honour again int
o his56 native quarter, be magnanimous in

  the enterprise and go on. I will grace57 the attempt for a

  worthy exploit. If you speed58 well in it, the duke shall both

  speak of it and extend to you what further becomes59 his

  greatness, even to the utmost syllable of your worthiness.

  PAROLLES By the hand of a soldier, I will undertake it.

  BERTRAM But you must not now slumber in it.62

  PAROLLES I'll about it this evening, and I will presently pen63

  down my dilemmas64, encourage myself in my certainty, put

  myself into my mortal preparation65, and by midnight look to

  hear further from me.

  BERTRAM May I be bold to acquaint his grace you are gone

  about it?

  PAROLLES I know not what the success will be, my lord, but the

  attempt I vow.

  BERTRAM I know thou'rt valiant, and to the possibility71 of thy

  soldiership will subscribe72 for thee. Farewell.

  PAROLLES I love not many words.

  Exit

  SECOND LORD No more than a fish loves water. Is not this a

  strange fellow, my lord, that so confidently seems to undertake

  this business, which he knows is not to be done, damns76

  himself to do and dares better be damned than to do't?

  FIRST LORD You do not know him, my lord, as we do. Certain it

  is that he will steal himself into a man's favour and for a

  week escape a great deal of discoveries, but when you find

  him out, you have81 him ever after.

  BERTRAM Why, do you think he will make no deed82 at all of this

  that so seriously he does address himself unto?

  SECOND LORD None in the world. But return with an invention

  and clap upon you two or three probable85 lies. But we have

  almost embossed86 him. You shall see his fall tonight; for

  indeed he is not for87 your lordship's respect.

  FIRST LORD We'll make you some sport with the fox ere we case88

  him. He was first smoked89 by the old lord Lafew. When his

  disguise and he is parted, tell me what a sprat90 you shall find

  him, which you shall see this very night.

  SECOND LORD I must go look my twigs.92 He shall be caught.

  To First Lord

  BERTRAM Your brother he shall go along with me.93

  FIRST LORD As't please your lordship. I'll leave you.

  [Exit]

  BERTRAM Now will I lead you to the house, and show you

  The lass I spoke of.

  SECOND LORD But you say she's honest.

  BERTRAM That's all the fault. I spoke with her but once

  And found her wondrous cold, but I sent to her

  By this same coxcomb that we have i'th'wind100

  Tokens and letters which she did re-send.

  And this is all I have done. She's a fair creature.

  Will you go see her?

  SECOND LORD With all my heart, my lord.

  Exeunt

  [Act 3 Scene 7]

  running scene 13

  Enter Helen and Widow

  HELEN If you misdoubt1 me that I am not she,

  I know not how I shall assure you further,

  But I shall lose the grounds I work upon.3

  WIDOW Though my estate4 be fall'n, I was well born,

  Nothing acquainted with these businesses,

  And would not put my reputation now

  In any staining act.

  HELEN Nor would I wish you.

  First, give me trust, the count he is my husband,

  And what to your sworn counsel10 I have spoken

  Is so from word to word.11 And then you cannot,

  By12 the good aid that I of you shall borrow,

  Err in bestowing it.

  WIDOW I should believe you,

  For you have showed me that which well approves15

  You're great in fortune.

  Gives a purse

  HELEN Take this purse of gold,

  And let me buy your friendly help thus far,

  Which I will over-pay and pay again

  When I have found it.20 The count he woos your daughter,

  Lays down his wanton21 siege before her beauty,

  Resolves to carry her: let her in fine22 consent,

  As we'll direct her how 'tis best to bear23 it.

  Now his important blood24 will naught deny

  That she'll demand: a ring the county25 wears,

  That downward hath succeeded in his house

  From son to son, some four or five descents

  Since the first father wore it. This ring he holds

  In most rich choice, yet in his idle fire29,

  To buy his will30, it would not seem too dear,

  Howe'er repented after.

  WIDOW Now I see

  The bottom33 of your purpose.

  HELEN You see it lawful34, then: it is no more,

  But that your daughter, ere she seems as won,

  Desires this ring; appoints him an encounter36;

  In fine, delivers me to fill the time,

  Herself most chastely absent. After,

  To marry her39, I'll add three thousand crowns

  To what is passed40 already.

  WIDOW I have yielded:

  Instruct my daughter how she shall persever42,

  That time and place with this deceit so lawful

  May prove coherent.44 Every night he comes

  With musics45 of all sorts and songs composed

  To her unworthiness. It nothing steads46 us

  To chide47 him from our eaves, for he persists

  As if his life lay48 on't.

  HELEN Why then tonight

  Let us assay our plot, which, if it speed50,

  Is wicked meaning in a lawful deed51,

  And lawful meaning in a lawful act,

  Where both not sin, and yet a sinful fact.53

  But let's about it.

  [Exeunt]

  Act 4 [Scene 1]

  running scene 14

  Enter one of the Frenchmen [the First Lord Dumaine], with five or six other Soldiers in ambush

  FIRST LORD He can come no other way but by this hedge-corner.

  When you sally upon him, speak what terrible2 language you

  will: though you understand it not yourselves, no matter, for

  we must not seem to understand him, unless4 some one

  among us, whom we must produce for an interpreter.

  FIRST SOLDIER Good captain, let me be th'interpreter.

  FIRST LORD Art not acquainted with him? Knows he not thy

  voice?

  FIRST SOLDIER No, sir, I warrant you.

  FIRST LORD But what linsey-woolsey10 hast thou to speak to us

  again?11

  FIRST SOLDIER E'en such as you speak to me.

  FIRST LORD He must think us some band of strangers13

  i'th'adversary's entertainment. Now he hath a smack14 of all

  neighbouring languages: therefore we must every one be a

  man of his own fancy, not to know16 what we speak one to

  another, so we seem to know, is to know straight17 our purpose:

  choughs18' language, gabble enough and good enough. As for

  you, interpreter, you must seem very politic. But couch19, ho!

  Here he comes, to beguile20 two hours in a sleep, and then to

  return and swear the lies he forges.

  They hide

  Enter Parolles

  PAROLLES Ten o'clock. Within these three hours 'twill be time

  enough to go home. What shall I say I have done? It must be

  a very plausive invention that carries it. They begin to smoke24

  me, and disgraces have of late knocked too often at my door.

  I find my tongue is too foolhardy, but my heart hath the fear

  of Mar
s before it and of his creatures, not daring the reports27

  of my tongue.

  Speaks aside to the others throughout

  FIRST LORD This is the first truth that e'er

  thine own tongue was guilty of.

  PAROLLES What the devil should move me to undertake the

  recovery of this drum, being not ignorant of the

  impossibility, and knowing I had no such purpose? I must

  give myself some hurts34, and say I got them in exploit: yet

  slight ones will not carry it. They will say, 'Came you off with

  so little?' And great ones I dare not give. Wherefore, what's

  the instance? Tongue, I must put you into a butter-woman's37

  mouth and buy myself another of Bajazet's mule38, if you

  prattle me into these perils.

  FIRST LORD Is it possible he should know what he is, and be that

  he is?

  PAROLLES I would the cutting of my garments would serve the42

  turn, or the breaking of my Spanish sword.

  FIRST LORD We cannot afford44 you so.

  PAROLLES Or the baring of my beard, and to say it was in45

  stratagem.

  FIRST LORD 'Twould not do.

  PAROLLES Or to drown my clothes, and say I was stripped.

  FIRST LORD Hardly serve.

  PAROLLES Though I swore I leaped from the window of the

  citadel.51

  FIRST LORD How deep?

  PAROLLES Thirty fathom.53

  FIRST LORD Three great oaths would scarce make that be

  believed.

  PAROLLES I would I had any drum of the enemy's. I would

  swear I recovered it.

  FIRST LORD You shall hear one anon.

  PAROLLES A drum now of the enemy's--

  Alarum within

  The Lord and Soldiers come out of hiding

  First Soldier will act as Interpreter

  FIRST LORD Throca movousus, cargo, cargo, cargo.

  ALL Cargo, cargo, cargo, villianda par corbo, cargo.

  They seize and blindfold Parolles

  PAROLLES O, ransom, ransom! Do not hide mine eyes.

  INTERPRETER Boskos thromuldo boskos.

  PAROLLES I know you are the Muskos64' regiment,

  And I shall lose my life for want of language.

  If there be here German, or Dane, low Dutch66,

  Italian, or French, let him speak to me,

  I'll discover68 that which shall undo the Florentine.

  INTERPRETER Boskos vauvado. I understand thee, and can speak

  thy tongue. Kerelybonto. Sir, betake thee70 to thy faith, for

  seventeen poniards71 are at thy bosom.

  PAROLLES O!

  INTERPRETER O, pray, pray, pray! Manka revania dulche.

  FIRST LORD Oscorbidulchos volivorco.

  INTERPRETER The general is content to spare thee yet,

  And, hoodwinked as thou art, will lead thee on76

  To gather77 from thee. Haply thou mayst inform

  Something to save thy life.

  PAROLLES O, let me live,

  And all the secrets of our camp I'll show,

  Their force, their purposes. Nay, I'll speak that

  Which you will wonder at.

  INTERPRETER But wilt thou faithfully?

  PAROLLES If I do not, damn me.