The Merry Wives of Windsor Read online

laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly, come.

  [Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Evans]

  FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without

  To Page, Caius and Evans

  cause, why then make sport at me, then let

  me be your jest, I deserve it. How now? Whither bear you

  this?

  JOHN To the laundress, forsooth.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do131 whither they bear it?

  You were best meddle with buck-washing132.

  FORD Buck133? I would I could wash myself of the buck!

  Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck — and of134

  the season too, it shall appear.

  [Exeunt John and Robert with the basket]

  Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight136. I’ll tell you my dream.

  Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers137, search,

  seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel138 the fox. Let me stop

  this way first. So, now uncape139.

  Locks the door

  PAGE Good Master Ford, be contented140. You wrong yourself

  too much.

  FORD True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen. You shall see

  sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.

  [Exit]

  EVANS This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

  CAIUS By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France: it is not jealous

  in France.

  PAGE Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his

  search.

  [Exeunt Page, Caius and Evans]

  MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this?

  MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better, that my

  husband is deceived, or Sir John.

  MISTRESS PAGE What a taking152 was he in, when your husband

  asked who was in the basket!

  MISTRESS FORD I am half afraid he will have need of washing154, so

  throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

  MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the

  same strain157 were in the same distress.

  MISTRESS FORD I think my husband hath some special suspicion

  of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw him so gross in his

  jealousy till now.

  MISTRESS PAGE I will lay a plot to try161 that, and we will yet have

  more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce

  obey this medicine.

  MISTRESS FORD Shall we send that foolish carrion164, Mistress

  Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and

  give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?

  MISTRESS PAGE We will do it: let him be sent for tomorrow eight

  o’clock to have amends.

  [Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Evans]

  FORD I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of that

  he could not compass170.

  MISTRESS PAGE Heard you that?

  Aside to Mistress Ford

  MISTRESS FORD You use172 me well, Master Ford, do you?

  FORD Ay, I do so.

  MISTRESS FORD Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

  FORD Amen!

  MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

  FORD Ay, ay, I must bear it.

  EVANS If there be any pody in the house, and in the

  chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses179, heaven

  forgive my sins at the day of judgement.

  CAIUS By gar, nor I too. There is no bodies.

  PAGE Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What

  spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’

  your distemper in this kind184 for the wealth of Windsor Castle.

  FORD ’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.

  EVANS You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as

  honest a ’omans as I will desires187 among five thousand, and

  five hundred too.

  CAIUS By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.

  FORD Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in

  the park, I pray you pardon me. I will hereafter make known

  to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, Mistress Page.

  I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily pardon me.

  PAGE Let’s go in, gentlemen, but trust me, we’ll

  To Caius and Evans

  mock him.— I do invite you tomorrow morning

  To Ford, Caius and Evans

  to my house to breakfast. After, we’ll a-birding196

  together, I have a fine hawk197 for the bush.

  Shall it be so?

  FORD Anything.

  EVANS If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

  CAIUS If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

  FORD Pray you, go, Master Page.

  [Exeunt all but Evans and Caius?]

  EVANS I pray you now remembrance tomorrow on the203

  lousy knave, mine host.

  CAIUS Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.

  EVANS A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 Scene 4

  running scene 11

  Enter Fenton [and] Anne

  FENTON I see I cannot get thy father’s love,

  Therefore no more turn2 me to him, sweet Nan.

  ANNE Alas, how then?

  FENTON Why, thou must be thyself4.

  He doth object I am too great of birth,

  And that, my state being galled6 with my expense,

  I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

  Besides these, other bars8 he lays before me:

  My riots past, my wild societies9,

  And tells me ’tis a thing impossible

  I should love thee but as a property.

  ANNE Maybe he tells you true.

  FENTON No, heaven so speed13 me in my time to come!

  Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth

  Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne,

  Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value

  Than stamps17 in gold or sums in sealèd bags.

  And ’tis the very riches of thyself

  That now I aim at.

  ANNE Gentle Master Fenton,

  Yet seek my father’s love, still seek it, sir.

  If opportunity and humblest suit

  Cannot attain it, why, then — hark you hither!

  They speak apart

  [Enter Shallow, Slender and Mistress Quickly]

  SHALLOW Break24 their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman shall

  speak for himself.

  SLENDER I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on’t. ’Slid, ’tis but venturing26.

  SHALLOW Be not dismayed27.

  SLENDER No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that, but

  that I am afeard.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you.

  ANNE I come to him.— This is my father’s

  Aside to Fenton

  choice.

  O, what a world of vile ill-favoured33 faults

  Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!

  MISTRESS QUICKLY And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you,

  a word with you.

  They speak apart

  SHALLOW She’s coming. To her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father37!

  SLENDER I had a father, Mistress Anne: my uncle can tell you

  good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest

  how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle.

  SHALLOW Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

  SLENDER Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in

  Gloucestershire.

  SHALLOW He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

  SLENDER Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail45, under the

  degree o
f a squire.

  SHALLOW He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds

  jointure48.

  ANNE Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

  SHALLOW Marry, I thank you for it: I thank you for that good

  comfort. She calls you, coz. I’ll leave you.

  Stands aside

  ANNE Now, Master Slender.

  SLENDER Now, good Mistress Anne.

  ANNE What is your will54?

  SLENDER My will? ’Od’s heartlings55, that’s a pretty jest indeed!

  I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I am not such a

  sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

  ANNE I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

  SLENDER Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing

  with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions60. If it

  be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole61. They can tell

  you how things go better than I can. You may ask your

  father, here he comes.

  [Enter Page and Mistress Page]

  PAGE Now, Master Slender — love him, daughter Anne.—

  Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here?

  You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt66 my house:

  I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

  FENTON Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

  MISTRESS PAGE Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

  PAGE She is no match for you.

  FENTON Sir, will you hear me?

  PAGE No, good Master Fenton.—

  Come, Master Shallow. Come, son Slender, in.—

  Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

  [Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Speak to Mistress Page.

  FENTON Good Mistress Page, for that76 I love your daughter

  In such a righteous fashion as I do,

  Perforce, against all checks, rebukes and manners78,

  I must advance the colours79 of my love

  And not retire. Let me have your good will.

  ANNE Good mother, do not marry me to yond81 fool.

  MISTRESS PAGE I mean it not, I seek you a better husband.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY That’s my master, Master Doctor.

  ANNE Alas, I had rather be set quick84 i’th’earth,

  And bowled to death with turnips!

  MISTRESS PAGE Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,

  I will not be your friend nor enemy:

  My daughter will I question how she loves you,

  And as I find her, so am I affected89.

  Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in,

  Her father will be angry.

  FENTON Farewell, gentle mistress.— Farewell, Nan.

  [Exeunt Mistress Page and Anne]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY This is my doing, now. ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘will you

  cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on

  Master Fenton.’ This is my doing.

  FENTON I thank thee, and I pray thee once96

  Gives her a ring and money

  tonight, Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s97 for

  thy pains.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Now heaven send thee good fortune.

  [Exit Fenton]

  A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through fire and

  water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had

  Mistress Anne, or I would Master Slender had her: or, in

  sooth103, I would Master Fenton had her. I will do what I can for

  them all three, for so I have promised, and I’ll be as good as

  my word — but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of105

  another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses.

  What a beast am I to slack it!

  Exit

  Act 3 Scene 5

  running scene 12

  Enter Falstaff

  FALSTAFF Bardolph, I say!

  [Enter Bardolph]

  BARDOLPH Here, sir.

  FALSTAFF Go fetch me a quart of sack: put a toast3 in’t.

  [Exit Bardolph]

  Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow4 of butcher’s

  offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served

  such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered,

  and give them to a dog for a new-year’s gift. The rogues

  slighted me8 into the river with as little remorse as they would

  have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies9, fifteen i’th’litter. And

  you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in

  sinking: if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down11. I

  had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy12 and

  shallow — a death that I abhor, for the water swells a man —

  and what a thing should I have been when I had been

  swelled? I should have been a mountain of mummy15.

  [Enter Bardolph with sack]

  BARDOLPH Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

  FALSTAFF Come. let me pour in some sack to the Thames

  water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs

  for pills to cool the reins19. Call her in.

  BARDOLPH Come in, woman.

  [Enter Mistress Quickly]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY By your leave, I cry you mercy21! Give your

  worship good morrow.

  FALSTAFF Take away these chalices. Go, brew me

  To Bardolph

  a pottle24 of sack finely.

  BARDOLPH With eggs, sir?

  FALSTAFF Simple of itself. I’ll no pullet-sperm26 in my brewage.—

  How now?

  [Exit Bardolph]

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, sir, I come to your worship from

  Mistress Ford.

  FALSTAFF Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I was thrown

  into the ford31, I have my belly full of ford.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas the day, good heart, that was not her

  fault. She does so take on with33 her men: they mistook their

  erection34.

  FALSTAFF So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s

  promise.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would

  yearn38 your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning

  a-birding. She desires you once more to come to her between

  eight and nine. I must carry her word quickly. She’ll make

  you amends, I warrant you.

  FALSTAFF Well, I will visit her. Tell her so, and bid her think

  what a man is. Let her consider his frailty43, and then judge of

  my merit.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY I will tell her.

  FALSTAFF Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Eight and nine, sir.

  FALSTAFF Well, be gone. I will not miss48 her.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace be with you, sir.

  [Exit]

  FALSTAFF I marvel I hear not of Master Broom. He sent me

  word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he comes.

  [Enter Ford, disguised as Broom]

  FORD Bless you, sir!

  FALSTAFF Now, Master Broom, you come to know what hath

  passed between me and Ford’s wife.

  FORD That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

  FALSTAFF Master Broom, I will not lie to you: I was at her

  house the hour she appointed me.

  FORD And sped you58, sir?

  FALSTAFF Very ill-favouredly59, Master Broom.

  FORD How so, sir? Did she change her determination60?

  FALSTAFF No, Master Broom, but the peaking cornuto61 her

  husband, Master Broom, dwelling in a continual ’larum62 of

  jealousy, comes me63 in the instant of our encounter, after we

&
nbsp; had embraced, kissed, protested64, and, as it were, spoke the

  prologue of our comedy: and at his heels a rabble of his

  companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper,

  and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love.

  FORD What, while you were there?

  FALSTAFF While I was there.

  FORD And did he search for you, and could not find you?

  FALSTAFF You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in

  one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford’s approach: and,

  in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed

  me into a buck-basket.

  FORD A buck-basket?

  FALSTAFF Yes, a buck-basket! Rammed76 me in with foul shirts

  and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that77,

  Master Broom, there was the rankest compound of villainous

  smell that ever offended nostril.

  FORD And how long lay you there?

  FALSTAFF Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I have

  suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being

  thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his83

  hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the

  name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane: they took me on their

  shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in the door,

  who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket.

  I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched

  it, but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held89 his hand.

  Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul

  clothes. But mark91 the sequel, Master Broom. I suffered the

  pangs of three several92 deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to

  be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether93: next, to be

  compassed, like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck94,

  hilt to point, heel to head, and then, to be stopped95 in like a

  strong distillation with stinking clothes that fretted96 in their

  own grease. Think of that, a man of my kidney97, think of

  that — that am as subject to heat as butter — a man of

  continual dissolution99 and thaw: it was a miracle to scape

  suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was