The Comedy of Errors Read online

  OFFICER Good now, hold thy tongue.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.22

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou whoreson23, senseless villain.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not

  feel your blows.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou art sensible in26 nothing but blows,

  and so is an ass.27

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass, indeed, you may prove it by my

  long ears.29 I have served him from the hour of my nativity to

  this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service

  but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating: when

  I am warm, he cools me with beating: I am waked with it

  when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors

  with it when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I

  return, nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her35

  brat, and I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it

  from door to door.

  Enter Adriana, Luciana, Courtesan, and a schoolmaster called Pinch

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Come, go along, my wife is coming yonder.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Mistress, respice finem39, respect

  To Adriana

  your end, or rather, the prophecy like the parrot40, 'beware the

  rope's-end'.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wilt thou still42 talk?

  Beats Dromio

  COURTESAN How say you now? Is not your husband mad?

  To Adriana

  ADRIANA His incivility confirms no less.

  Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer45,

  Establish him in his true sense46 again,

  And I will please47 you what you will demand.

  LUCIANA Alas, how fiery and how sharp48 he looks.

  COURTESAN Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.49

  PINCH Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.

  To Antipholus

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

  Strikes him

  PINCH I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,

  To yield possession to my holy prayers

  And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:

  I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Peace, doting56 wizard, peace, I am not mad.

  ADRIANA O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You minion, you, are these your customers?58

  Did this companion with the saffron59 face

  Revel and feast it at my house today,

  Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,

  And I denied to enter in my house?

  ADRIANA O husband, God doth know you dined at home,

  Where would you had remained until this time,

  Free from these slanders and this open shame.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Dined at home?-- Thou villain, what sayest thou?

  To Dromio

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sir, sooth67 to say, you did not dine at home.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Were not my doors locked up, and I shut out?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Perdie69, your doors were locked, and you shut out.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And did not she herself revile me there?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sans fable71, she herself reviled you there.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt and scorn me?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Certes she did, the kitchen-vestal73 scorned you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And did not I in rage depart from thence?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS In verity75 you did, my bones bear witness,

  That since have felt the vigour of his rage.

  ADRIANA Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?77

  To Pinch

  PINCH It is no shame. The fellow finds his vein78,

  Aside to Adriana

  And yielding to79 him, humours well his frenzy.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou hast suborned80 the goldsmith to arrest me.

  ADRIANA Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,

  By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Money by me? Heart and good will you might83,

  But surely, master, not a rag84 of money.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Went'st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?

  ADRIANA He came to me and I delivered it.

  LUCIANA And I am witness with her that she did.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS God and the rope-maker bear me witness

  That I was sent for nothing but a rope.

  PINCH Mistress, both man and master is possessed,

  I know it by their pale and deadly91 looks.

  They must be bound and laid in some dark room.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth93 today?--

  To Adriana

  And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

  To Dromio

  ADRIANA I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS And, gentle master, I received no gold:

  But I confess, sir, that we were locked out.

  ADRIANA Dissembling98 villain, thou speak'st false in both.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,

  And art confederate with a damned pack100

  To make a loathsome abject scorn101 of me.

  But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyes

  That would behold in me this shameful sport.

  He threatens Adriana

  Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives

  ADRIANA O, bind him, bind him, let him not come near me.

  PINCH More company105, the fiend is strong within him.

  LUCIANA Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS What, will you murder me?-- Thou jailer, thou,

  I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them

  To make a rescue?109

  OFFICER Masters, let him go.

  He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

  PINCH Go bind this man, for he is frantic112 too.

  They bind Dromio of Ephesus

  ADRIANA What wilt thou do, thou peevish113 officer?

  Hast thou delight to see a wretched man

  Do outrage and displeasure115 to himself?

  OFFICER He is my prisoner. If I let him go,

  The debt he owes will be required of me.

  ADRIANA I will discharge118 thee ere I go from thee.

  Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,

  And knowing how the debt grows120, I will pay it.

  Good master doctor, see him safe conveyed

  Home to my house. O, most unhappy day!

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O, most unhappy strumpet!

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, I am here entered in bond124 for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Out on thee, villain, wherefore dost thou mad125 me?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Will you be bound for nothing? Be mad, good master: cry 'The devil!'126

  LUCIANA God help poor souls, how idly do they talk.

  ADRIANA Go bear him hence.-- Sister, go you with me.

  Exeunt [Pinch and his assistants, bearing Antipholus and Dromio of Ephesus]

  Adriana, Luciana, Officer and Courtesan remain

  Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

  OFFICER One Angelo, a goldsmith. Do you know him?

  ADRIANA I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

  OFFICER Two hundred ducats.

  ADRIANA Say, how grows it due?

  OFFICER Due for a chain your husband had of him.

  ADRIANA He did bespeak135 a chain for me, but had it not.

  COURTESAN Whenas your husband all in rage today

  Came to my house and took away my ring,

  The ring I saw upon his finger now,

  Straight aft
er did I meet him with a chain.

  ADRIANA It may be so, but I did never see it.--

  Come, jailer, bring me where the goldsmith is.

  I long to know the truth hereof at large.142

  Enter Antipholus and Dromio [of] Syracuse with their rapiers drawn

  LUCIANA God for thy mercy, they are loose again.

  ADRIANA And come with naked144 swords.

  Let's call more help to have them bound again.

  OFFICER Away, they'll kill us.

  Run all out. Exeunt all, as fast as may be, frighted. [Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse remain]

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I see these witches are afraid of swords.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE She that would be148 your wife now ran from you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Come to the Centaur, fetch our stuff149 from thence.

  I long that we were safe and sound aboard.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, stay here this night, they will surely

  do us no harm. You saw they speak us fair152, give us gold.

  Methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the

  mountain of mad flesh that claims154 marriage of me, I could

  find in my heart to stay here still155 and turn witch.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I will not stay tonight for all the town.

  Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.

  Exeunt

  Act 5 Scene 1

  running scene 7

  Enter the [Second] Merchant and [Angelo] the goldsmith

  ANGELO I am sorry, sir, that I have hindered you,

  But I protest, he had the chain of2 me,

  Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

  SECOND MERCHANT How is the man esteemed here in the city?

  ANGELO Of very reverend5 reputation, sir,

  Of credit infinite, highly beloved,

  Second to none that lives here in the city:

  His word might bear my wealth at any time.8

  SECOND MERCHANT Speak softly, yonder, as I think, he walks.

  Enter Antipholus and Dromio [of Syracuse] again

  Antipholus wearing the chain

  ANGELO 'Tis so, and that self10 chain about his neck

  Which he forswore11 most monstrously to have.

  Good sir, draw near to me, I'll speak to him.--

  Signior Antipholus, I wonder much

  That you would put me to this shame and trouble,

  And not without some scandal to yourself,

  With circumstance16 and oaths so to deny

  This chain, which now you wear so openly.

  Beside the charge18, the shame, imprisonment,

  You have done wrong to this my honest friend,

  Who, but for staying on20 our controversy,

  Had hoisted sail and put to sea today.

  This chain you had of me, can you deny it?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think I had, I never did deny it.

  SECOND MERCHANT Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Who heard me to deny it or forswear it?

  SECOND MERCHANT These ears of mine, thou know'st did hear thee.

  Fie27 on thee, wretch, 'tis pity that thou liv'st

  To walk where any honest men resort.28

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou art a villain to impeach29 me thus:

  I'll prove mine honour and mine honesty

  Against thee presently, if thou dar'st stand.31

  SECOND MERCHANT I dare, and do defy thee for a villain.

  They draw. Enter Adriana, Luciana, [the] Courtesan and others

  ADRIANA Hold, hurt him not, for God's sake, he is mad.

  Some get within him34, take his sword away.

  Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Run, master, run, for God's sake, take36 a house.

  This is some priory. In, or we are spoiled.37

  Exeunt [Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse] to the priory

  Enter [Emilia, the] Lady Abbess

  EMILIA Be quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither?

  ADRIANA To fetch my poor distracted husband hence.

  Let us come in, that we may bind him fast

  And bear him home for his recovery.

  ANGELO I knew he was not in his perfect wits.

  SECOND MERCHANT I am sorry now that I did draw43 on him.

  EMILIA How long hath this possession held the man?

  ADRIANA This week he hath been heavy, sour, sad45,

  And much different from the man he was.

  But till this afternoon his passion

  Ne'er brake into extremity of rage.

  EMILIA Hath he not lost much wealth by wreck of sea?

  Buried some dear friend? Hath not else his eye

  Strayed his affection in unlawful51 love,

  A sin prevailing much in youthful men,

  Who give their eyes the liberty of gazing?

  Which of these sorrows is he subject to?

  ADRIANA To none of these, except it be the last,

  Namely, some love that drew him oft from home.

  EMILIA You should for that have reprehended57 him.

  ADRIANA Why, so I did.

  EMILIA Ay, but not rough enough.

  ADRIANA As roughly as my modesty would let me.

  EMILIA Haply61 in private.

  ADRIANA And in assemblies62 too.

  EMILIA Ay, but not enough.

  ADRIANA It was the copy of our conference.64

  In bed he slept not for my urging it,

  At board66 he fed not for my urging it.

  Alone, it was the subject of my theme67,

  In company I often glanced68 it:

  Still69 did I tell him it was vile and bad.

  EMILIA And thereof came it that the man was mad.70

  The venom clamours71 of a jealous woman

  Poisons more deadly than a mad dog's tooth.

  It seems his sleeps were hindered by thy railing73,

  And thereof comes it that his head is light.74

  Thou say'st his meat was sauced with thy upbraidings:

  Unquiet meals make ill digestions.

  Thereof the raging fire of fever bred,

  And what's a fever but a fit of madness?

  Thou say'st his sports79 were hindered by thy brawls:

  Sweet recreation barred, what doth ensue

  But moody and dull melancholy,

  Kinsman to grim and comfortless despair,

  And at her83 heels a huge infectious troop

  Of pale distemperatures84 and foes to life?

  In food, in sport and life-preserving rest85

  To be disturbed, would mad or86 man or beast.

  The consequence is then thy jealous fits

  Have scared thy husband from the use of88 wits.

  LUCIANA She never reprehended him but mildly,

  When he demeaned himself rough, rude90 and wildly.

  Why bear you these rebukes and answer not?

  To Adriana

  ADRIANA She did betray me to my own reproof.92

  Good people enter and lay hold on him.

  EMILIA No, not a creature enters in my house.

  ADRIANA Then let your servants bring my husband forth.

  EMILIA Neither. He took this place for sanctuary96,

  And it shall privilege97 him from your hands

  Till I have brought him to his wits again,

  Or lose my labour in assaying99 it.

  ADRIANA I will attend my husband, be his nurse,

  Diet his sickness, for it is my office101,

  And will have no attorney102 but myself,

  And therefore let me have him home with me.

  EMILIA Be patient, for I will not let him stir

  Till I have used the approved105 means I have,

  With wholesome syrups, drugs and holy prayers,

  To make of him a formal107 man again.

  It is a branch108 and parcel of mine oath,

 
A charitable duty of my order.

  Therefore depart, and leave him here with me.

  ADRIANA I will not hence and leave my husband here:

  And ill it doth beseem your holiness

  To separate the husband and the wife.

  EMILIA Be quiet and depart, thou shalt not have him.

  [Exit]

  LUCIANA Complain unto the duke of this indignity.

  To Adriana

  ADRIANA Come, go, I will fall prostrate at his feet,

  And never rise until my tears and prayers

  Have won his grace to come in person hither,

  And take perforce119 my husband from the abbess.

  SECOND MERCHANT By this, I think, the dial120 points at five:

  Anon121, I'm sure the duke himself in person

  Comes this way to the melancholy vale,

  The place of death and sorry123 execution,

  Behind the ditches of the abbey here.

  ANGELO Upon what cause?

  SECOND MERCHANT To see a reverend Syracusan merchant,

  Who put127 unluckily into this bay

  Against the laws and statutes of this town,

  Beheaded publicly for his offence.

  ANGELO See where they come: we will behold his death.

  LUCIANA Kneel to the duke before he pass the abbey.

  Enter the Duke of Ephesus and [Egeon] the merchant of Syracuse, bareheaded [and bound], with the Headsman and other Officers

  DUKE Yet once again proclaim it publicly,

  If any friend will pay the sum for him,

  He shall not die, so much we tender134 him.

  ADRIANA Justice, most sacred duke, against the abbess.

  DUKE She is a virtuous and a reverend lady.

  It cannot be that she hath done thee wrong.

  ADRIANA May it please your grace, Antipholus, my husband --

  Whom I made lord of me and all I had,

  At your important letters140 -- this ill day

  A most outrageous141 fit of madness took him,

  That desp'rately142 he hurried through the street,

  With him his bondman143, all as mad as he,

  Doing displeasure144 to the citizens

  By rushing in their houses, bearing thence145

  Rings, jewels, anything his rage did like.

  Once did I get him bound, and sent him home,

  Whilst to take order148 for the wrongs I went,

  That here and there his fury had committed.

  Anon, I wot150 not by what strong escape,

  He broke from those that had the guard of him,

  And with his mad attendant and himself,

  Each one with ireful passion, with drawn swords,

  Met us again and madly bent154 on us,

  Chased us away: till raising of more aid,

  We came again to bind them. Then they fled

  Into this abbey, whither we pursued them,

  And here the abbess shuts the gates on us,

  And will not suffer159 us to fetch him out,

  Nor send him forth that we may bear him hence.

  Therefore, most gracious duke, with thy command