As You Like It Read online

  manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the

  behaviour of the country is most mockable at the court. You

  told me you salute not at the court, but you kiss43 your hands;

  that courtesy would be uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.

  TOUCHSTONE    Instance45, briefly. Come, instance.

  CORIN    Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their fells46,

  you know are greasy.

  TOUCHSTONE    Why, do not your courtier’s hands sweat? And is

  not the grease49 of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of a

  man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say, come.

  CORIN    Besides, our hands are hard.

  TOUCHSTONE    Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.

  A more sounder instance, come.

  CORIN    And they are often tarred over with the surgery of54

  our sheep, and would you have us kiss tar? The courtier’s

  hands are perfumed with civet56.

  TOUCHSTONE    Most shallow man! Thou worms-meat in respect57

  of a good piece of flesh indeed. Learn of the wise, and

  perpend59: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the very uncleanly

  flux of a cat. Mend60 the instance, shepherd.

  CORIN    You have too courtly a wit for me. I’ll rest61.

  TOUCHSTONE    Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow

  man. God make incision in thee. Thou art raw63.

  CORIN    Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get64 that I

  wear, owe no man hate, envy no man’s happiness, glad of

  other men’s good, content with my harm66, and the greatest of

  my pride is to see my ewes graze and my lambs suck.

  TOUCHSTONE    That is another simple68 sin in you: to bring the

  ewes and the rams together and to offer69 to get your living by

  the copulation of cattle, to be bawd to a bell-wether70, and to

  betray a she-lamb of a twelvemonth to a crooked-pated71, old,

  cuckoldly ram, out of72 all reasonable match. If thou be’st not

  damned for this, the devil himself will have no shepherds. I

  cannot see else how thou shouldst scape.

  CORIN    Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new

  mistress’ brother.

  With a paper

  Enter Rosalind

  Reads

  ROSALIND    ‘From the east to western Ind77,

  No jewel is like Rosalind.

  Her worth, being mounted on the wind,

  Through all the world bears Rosalind.

  All the pictures fairest lined81

  Are but black to82 Rosalind.

  Let no face be kept in mind

  But the fair84 of Rosalind.’

  TOUCHSTONE    I’ll rhyme you so eight years together85, dinners and

  suppers and sleeping-hours excepted. It is the right butter-86

  women’s rank87 to market.

  ROSALIND    Out, fool!

  TOUCHSTONE    For a taste:

  If a hart do lack a hind90,

  Let him seek out Rosalind.

  If the cat will after kind92,

  So be sure will Rosalind.

  Wintered garments must be lined94,

  So must slender Rosalind.

  They that reap must sheaf and bind96,

  Then to cart97 with Rosalind.

  Sweetest nut98 hath sourest rind,

  Such a nut is Rosalind.

  He that sweetest rose100 will find

  Must find love’s prick101 and Rosalind.

  This is the very false gallop102 of verses. Why do you infect

  yourself with them?

  ROSALIND    Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.

  TOUCHSTONE    Truly the tree yields bad fruit105.

  ROSALIND    I’ll graff106 it with you, and then I shall graff it with a

  medlar107. Then it will be the earliest fruit i’th’country, for

  you’ll be rotten ere you be half ripe, and that’s the right108

  virtue of the medlar.

  TOUCHSTONE    You have said, but whether wisely or no, let the

  forest judge.

  Enter Celia, with a writing

  They stand aside

  ROSALIND    Peace! Here comes my sister, reading. Stand aside.

  Reads

  CELIA    ‘Why should this a desert be?

  For114 it is unpeopled? No.

  Tongues I’ll hang on every tree

  That shall civil sayings116 show.

  Some, how brief the life of man

  Runs his erring118 pilgrimage,

  That the stretching of a span119

  Buckles in120 his sum of age.

  Some, of violated vows

  ’Twixt the souls of friend and friend:

  But upon the fairest boughs,

  Or at every sentence end,

  Will I Rosalinda write,

  Teaching all that read to know

  The quintessence of every sprite127

  Heaven would in little128 show.

  Therefore heaven Nature charged129

  That one body should be filled

  With all graces wide-enlarged131.

  Nature presently132 distilled

  Helen’s cheek, but not her heart133,

  Cleopatra’s134 majesty,

  Atalanta’s better part135,

  Sad Lucretia’s modesty136.

  Thus Rosalind of many parts

  By heavenly synod138 was devised,

  Of many faces, eyes and hearts,

  To have the touches140 dearest prized.

  Heaven would141 that she these gifts should have,

  And I to142 live and die her slave.’

  Steps forward

  ROSALIND    O most gentle Jupiter143! What tedious

  homily of love have you wearied your parishioners withal,

  and never cried ‘Have patience, good people!’

  CELIA    How now? Back146, friends. Shepherd, go off a little.—

  To Touchstone

  Go with him, sirrah147.

  TOUCHSTONE    Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable

  retreat, though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and149

  scrippage.

  Exeunt [Corin and Touchstone]

  CELIA    Didst thou hear these verses?

  ROSALIND    O, yes, I heard them all, and more too, for some of

  them had in them more feet153 than the verses would bear.

  CELIA    That’s no matter: the feet might bear the verses.

  ROSALIND    Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear

  themselves without the verse, and therefore stood lamely in

  the verse.

  CELIA    But didst thou hear without wondering how thy

  name should be hanged and carved upon these trees?

  ROSALIND    I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder160

  before you came, for look here what I found on a palm-tree. I

  was never so berhymed since Pythagoras’ time that162 I was an

  Irish rat163, which I can hardly remember.

  CELIA    Trow164 you who hath done this?

  ROSALIND    Is it a man?

  CELIA    And a chain166, that you once wore, about his neck.

  Change you colour?167

  ROSALIND    I prithee who?

  CELIA    O lord, lord! It is a hard matter for friends to meet169;

  but mountains may be removed with earthquakes and so

  encounter.169

  ROSALIND    Nay, but who is it?

  CELIA    Is it possible173?

  ROSALIND  
  Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence174,

  tell me who it is.

  CELIA    O wonderful176, wonderful, and most wonderful

  wonderful! And yet again wonderful, and after that, out of177

  all whooping!

  ROSALIND    Good my complexion!179 Dost thou think, though I am

  caparisoned180 like a man, I have a doublet and hose in my

  disposition? One inch of delay more is a South Sea of181

  discovery. I prithee tell me who is it quickly, and speak apace182.

  I would thou couldst stammer, that thou mightst pour this

  concealed man out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a

  narrow-mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at

  all. I prithee take the cork out of thy mouth that I may drink

  thy tidings.

  CELIA    So you may put a man in your belly188.

  ROSALIND    Is he of God’s making189? What manner of man? Is his

  head worth a hat? Or his chin worth a beard?

  CELIA    Nay, he hath but a little beard.

  ROSALIND    Why, God will send more, if the man will be

  thankful: let me stay193 the growth of his beard, if thou delay

  me not the knowledge of his chin.

  CELIA    It is young Orlando that tripped up the wrestler’s

  heels and your heart both in an instant.

  ROSALIND    Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow197

  and true maid.

  CELIA    I’faith, coz, ’tis he.

  ROSALIND    Orlando?

  CELIA    Orlando.

  ROSALIND    Alas the day! What shall I do with my doublet and

  hose? What did he when thou saw’st him? What said he?

  How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes he204 here? Did

  he ask for me? Where remains he? How parted he with thee?

  And when shalt thou see him again? Answer me in one

  word.

  CELIA    You must borrow me Gargantua’s208 mouth first: ’tis a

  word too great for any mouth of this age’s size. To say ay and

  no to these particulars is more than to answer in a catechism210.

  ROSALIND    But doth he know that I am in this forest and in

  man’s apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the day he

  wrestled?

  CELIA    It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the214

  propositions of a lover, but take a taste of my finding him,

  and relish it with good observance216. I found him under a tree,

  like a dropped acorn.

  ROSALIND    It may well be called Jove’s tree218, when it drops forth

  Aside?

  such fruit.

  CELIA    Give me audience220, good madam.

  ROSALIND    Proceed.

  CELIA    There lay he, stretched along222, like a wounded knight.

  ROSALIND    Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well becomes

  the ground.

  CELIA    Cry ‘holla’ to the tongue, I prithee. It curvets225

  unseasonably. He was furnished226 like a hunter.

  ROSALIND    O, ominous! He comes to kill my heart227.

  CELIA    I would sing my song without a burden228. Thou

  bringest me out of tune.

  ROSALIND    Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I

  must speak. Sweet, say on.

  Enter Orlando and Jaques

  CELIA    You bring me out. Soft!232 Comes he not here?

  They stand aside

  ROSALIND    ’Tis he. Slink by, and note him.

  To Orlando

  JAQUES    I thank you for your company, but, good

  faith, I had as lief235 have been myself alone.

  ORLANDO    And so had I, but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you

  too for your society237.

  JAQUES    God buy you. Let’s meet as little as we can.

  ORLANDO    I do desire we may be better strangers.

  JAQUES    I pray you mar no more trees with writing love-

  songs in their barks.

  ORLANDO    I pray you mar no more of my verses with reading

  them ill-favouredly243.

  JAQUES    Rosalind is your love’s name?

  ORLANDO    Yes, just245.

  JAQUES    I do not like her name.

  ORLANDO    There was no thought of pleasing you when she

  was christened.

  JAQUES    What stature is she of?

  ORLANDO    Just as high as my heart.

  JAQUES    You are full of pretty251 answers. Have you not been

  acquainted with goldsmiths’ wives, and conned252 them out of

  rings253?

  ORLANDO    Not so, but I answer you right painted cloth254, from

  whence you have studied your questions255.

  JAQUES    You have a nimble wit; I think ’twas made of

  Atalanta’s257 heels. Will you sit down with me? And we two will

  rail against our mistress the world and all our misery.

  ORLANDO    I will chide no breather259 in the world but myself,

  against whom I know most faults.

  JAQUES    The worst fault you have is to be in love.

  ORLANDO    ’Tis a fault I will not change262 for your best virtue. I

  am weary of you.

  JAQUES    By my troth264, I was seeking for a fool when I found

  you.

  ORLANDO    He is drowned in the brook. Look but in, and you

  shall see him.

  JAQUES    There I shall see mine own figure268.

  ORLANDO    Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher269.

  JAQUES    I’ll tarry no longer with you. Farewell, good Signior

  Love.

  ORLANDO    I am glad of your departure. Adieu, good Monsieur

  Melancholy.

  [Exit Jaques]

  Aside to Celia

  ROSALIND    I will speak to him like a saucy lackey274,

  and under that habit play the knave275 with him.— Do you

  hear, forester?

  ORLANDO    Very well. What would you?

  ROSALIND    I pray you, what is’t o’clock?

  ORLANDO    You should ask me what time o’day: there’s no clock

  in the forest.

  ROSALIND    Then there is no true lover in the forest, else sighing

  every minute and groaning every hour would detect282 the lazy

  foot of time as well as a clock.

  ORLANDO    And why not the swift foot of time? Had not that

  been as proper?

  ROSALIND    By no means, sir; time travels in divers286 paces with

  divers persons. I’ll tell you who time ambles withal, who time

  trots withal, who time gallops withal and who he stands still

  withal.

  ORLANDO    I prithee, who doth he trot withal?

  ROSALIND    Marry, he trots hard291 with a young maid between

  the contract of her marriage292 and the day it is solemnized. If

  the interim be but a se’nnight293, time’s pace is so hard that it

  seems the length of seven year.

  ORLANDO    Who ambles time withal?

  ROSALIND    With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that

  hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because he

  cannot study, and the other lives merrily because he feels no

  pain: the one lacking the burden of lean and wasteful299
r />   learning, the other knowing no burden of heavy tedious300

  penury. These time ambles withal.

  ORLANDO    Who doth he gallop withal?

  ROSALIND    With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as

  softly304 as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.

  ORLANDO    Who stays it still withal?

  ROSALIND    With lawyers in the vacation306, for they sleep between

  term307 and term, and then they perceive not how time moves.

  ORLANDO    Where dwell you, pretty youth?

  ROSALIND    With this shepherdess, my sister, here in the skirts309 of

  the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.

  ORLANDO    Are you native of this place?

  ROSALIND    As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled312.

  ORLANDO    Your accent is something finer than you could

  purchase in so removed314 a dwelling.

  ROSALIND    I have been told so of many: but indeed an old

  religious316 uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was in his

  youth an inland man, one that knew courtship317 too well, for

  there he fell in love. I have heard him read many lectures

  against it, and I thank God I am not a woman, to be touched319

  with so many giddy offences as he hath generally320 taxed their

  whole sex withal.

  ORLANDO    Can you remember any of the principal evils that he

  laid to the charge of women?

  ROSALIND    There were none principal. They were all like one

  another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming

  monstrous till his326 fellow fault came to match it.

  ORLANDO    I prithee recount some of them.

  ROSALIND    No, I will not cast away my physic328 but on those that

  are sick. There is a man haunts329 the forest that abuses our

  young plants with carving ‘Rosalind’ on their barks; hangs

  odes upon hawthorns and elegies on brambles; all, forsooth,

  deifying the name of Rosalind. If I could meet that fancy-332

  monger, I would give him some good counsel, for he seems to

  have the quotidian334 of love upon him.

  ORLANDO    I am he that is so love-shaked. I pray you tell me

  your remedy.

  ROSALIND    There is none of my uncle’s marks337 upon you: he

  taught me how to know a man in love, in which cage of338

  rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

  ORLANDO    What were his marks?