Love's Labour's Lost Read online

  COSTARD Pray you, sir, how much carnation130 ribbon may a

  man buy for a remuneration?

  BEROWNE What is a remuneration?

  COSTARD Marry, sir, halfpenny farthing133.

  BEROWNE O, why then three farthings worth of silk.

  COSTARD I thank your worship. God be wi’you!

  Starts to leave

  BEROWNE O, stay, slave136, I must employ thee:

  As thou wilt win my favour, good my knave137,

  Do one thing for me that I shall entreat.

  COSTARD When would you have it done, sir?

  BEROWNE O, this afternoon.

  COSTARD Well, I will do it, sir. Fare you well.

  BEROWNE O, thou knowest not what it is.

  COSTARD I shall know, sir, when I have done it.

  BEROWNE Why, villain144, thou must know first.

  COSTARD I will come to your worship tomorrow morning.

  BEROWNE It must be done this afternoon.

  Hark, slave, it is but this:

  The princess comes to hunt here in the park,

  And in her train149 there is a gentle lady,

  When tongues speak sweetly, then they name her name,

  And Rosaline they call her. Ask for her

  And to her white hand see thou do commend152

  Gives a letter and money

  This sealed-up counsel. There’s thy guerdon153: go.

  COSTARD Gardon154, O sweet gardon! Better than remuneration,

  a’leven-pence-farthing better155. Most sweet gardon! I will do it,

  sir, in print156. Gardon! Remuneration!

  Exit

  BEROWNE O and I, forsooth, in love! I, that have been love’s whip,

  A very beadle to a humorous158 sigh,

  A critic, nay, a night-watch constable,

  A domineering pedant160 o’er the boy,

  Than whom no mortal so magnificent161!

  This wimpled, whining, purblind162, wayward boy,

  This Signior Junior, giant-dwarf, Don Cupid,

  Regent164 of love-rhymes, lord of folded arms,

  Th’anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,

  Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,

  Dread167 prince of plackets, king of codpieces,

  Sole imperator168 and great general

  Of trotting paritors169 — O my little heart! —

  And I to be a corporal of his field170

  And wear his colours like a tumbler’s hoop171.

  What? I love, I sue172, I seek a wife?

  A woman that is like a German clock173,

  Still a-repairing, ever out of frame174,

  And never going aright175, being a watch,

  But being176 watched that it may still go right!

  Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all,

  And, among three, to love the worst of all;

  A whitely wanton with a velvet brow179,

  With two pitch-balls180 stuck in her face for eyes.

  Ay, and by heaven, one that will do the deed181

  Though Argus were her eunuch182 and her guard.

  And I to sigh for her, to watch183 for her,

  To pray for her! Go to184, it is a plague

  That Cupid will impose for my neglect185

  Of his almighty dreadful little might.

  Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue and groan.

  Some men must love my lady, and some Joan188.

  [Exit]

  Act 4 [Scene 1]

  running scene 4

  Enter the Princess, a Forester [with a bow], her Ladies [Rosaline, Maria and Katherine] and her Lords [Boyet and others]

  PRINCESS Was that the king that spurred his horse so hard

  Against the steep uprising of the hill?

  BOYET I know not, but I think it was not he.

  PRINCESS Whoe’er a was, a showed a mounting4 mind.

  Well, lords, today we shall have our dispatch5:

  On Saturday we will return to France.

  Then, forester, my friend, where is the bush

  That we must stand and play the murderer in?

  FORESTER Hereby, upon the edge of yonder coppice9,

  A stand10 where you may make the fairest shoot.

  PRINCESS I thank my beauty, I am fair that shoot,

  And thereupon thou speak’st the fairest12 shoot.

  FORESTER Pardon me, madam, for I meant not so.

  PRINCESS What, what? First praise me and again14 say no?

  O short-lived pride! Not fair? Alack for woe!

  FORESTER Yes, madam, fair.

  PRINCESS Nay, never paint17 me now.

  Where fair is not, praise cannot mend the brow18.

  Here, good my glass19, take this for telling true:

  Gives money

  Fair payment for foul words is more than due.

  FORESTER Nothing but fair is that which you inherit21.

  PRINCESS See see, my beauty will be saved by merit22.

  O heresy in fair23, fit for these days!

  A giving hand, though foul, shall have fair praise24.

  Takes a bow

  But come, the bow. Now mercy25 goes to kill,

  And shooting well is then26 accounted ill.

  Thus will I save my credit27 in the shoot:

  Not wounding, pity would not let me do’t28.

  If wounding, then it was to show my skill,

  That more for praise than purpose meant to kill.

  And out of31 question so it is sometimes,

  Glory32 grows guilty of detested crimes,

  When for fame’s sake, for praise, an outward part33,

  We bend to that the working of the heart.

  As35 I for praise alone now seek to spill

  The poor deer’s blood that my heart means no ill36.

  BOYET Do not curst wives hold that self-sovereignty37

  Only for praise’ sake, when they strive to be

  Lords o’er their lords?

  PRINCESS Only for praise, and praise we may afford

  To any lady that subdues a lord.

  Enter Clown [Costard, with a letter]

  BOYET Here comes a member of the commonwealth42.

  COSTARD God dig-you-den43 all! Pray you which is the head lady?

  PRINCESS Thou shalt know her, fellow, by the rest that have no heads44.

  COSTARD Which is the greatest lady, the highest?

  PRINCESS The thickest46 and the tallest.

  COSTARD The thickest and the tallest. It is so, truth is truth.

  An your waist, mistress, were as slender as my wit,

  One o’these maids’ girdles for your waist should be fit.

  Are not you the chief woman? You are the thickest here.

  PRINCESS What’s your will, sir? What’s your will?

  COSTARD I have a letter from Monsieur Berowne to one Lady

  Rosaline.

  PRINCESS O, thy letter, thy letter! He’s a good friend of mine.—

  To Rosaline

  Stand aside, good bearer.— Boyet, you can carve55:

  Takes the letter and gives it to Boyet

  Break up this capon56.

  BOYET I am bound to serve.

  This letter is mistook: it importeth58 none here.

  It is writ to Jaquenetta.

  PRINCESS We will read it, I swear.

  Break the neck of the wax, and everyone give ear61.

  BOYET (Reads) ‘By heaven, that thou art fair, is most

  infallible63: true that thou art beauteous, truth itself that thou

  art lovely. More fairer than fair, beautiful than beauteous,

  truer than truth itself, have commiseration65 on thy heroical

  vassal. The magnanimous and most illustrate66 King

  Cophetua set eye upon the pernicious and indubitate67 beggar

  Zenelophon, and he it was that might rightly say, Veni, vidi,68

  vici, which to annothanize in the vulgar69, — O base and

  obscure vulgar! —
videlicet, he came, see and overcame70. He

  came, one; see, two; overcame, three. Who came? The king.

  Why did he come? To see. Why did he see? To overcome. To

  whom came he? To the beggar. What saw he? The beggar.

  Who overcame he? The beggar. The conclusion is victory. On

  whose side? The king. The captive is enriched. On whose

  side? The beggar’s. The catastrophe76 is a nuptial. On whose

  side? The king’s. No, on both in one, or one in both. I am the

  king, for so stands the comparison: thou the beggar, for so

  witnesseth thy lowliness79. Shall I command thy love? I may.

  Shall I enforce thy love? I could. Shall I entreat thy love? I

  will. What shalt thou exchange for rags? Robes. For tittles81?

  Titles. For thyself? Me. Thus expecting thy reply, I profane82 my

  lips on thy foot, my eyes on thy picture83, and my heart on thy

  every part. Thine, in the dearest design of industry84, Don

  Adriano de Armado.

  Thus dost thou hear the Nemean lion86 roar

  Gainst thee, thou lamb, that standest as his prey.

  Submissive fall88 his princely feet before,

  And he from forage89 will incline to play.

  But if thou strive90, poor soul, what art thou then?

  Food for his rage, repasture91 for his den.’

  PRINCESS What plume of feathers is he that indited92 this letter?

  What vane93? What weathercock? Did you ever hear better?

  BOYET I am much deceived but I94 remember the style.

  PRINCESS Else your memory is bad, going o’er it erewhile95.

  BOYET This Armado is a Spaniard that keeps96 here in court,

  A phantasime, a Monarcho97, and one that makes sport

  To the prince and his book-mates98.

  To Costard

  PRINCESS Thou fellow, a word.

  Who gave thee this letter?

  COSTARD I told you: my lord.

  PRINCESS To whom shouldst thou give it?

  COSTARD From my lord to my lady.

  PRINCESS From which lord to which lady?

  COSTARD From my lord Berowne, a good master of mine,

  To a lady of France that he called Rosaline.

  PRINCESS Thou hast mistaken107 his letter.— Come, lords, away.—

  To Rosaline

  Here, sweet, put up this: ’twill be thine108 another day.

  Exeunt [all but Boyet, Rosaline, Maria and Costard]

  BOYET Who is the shooter109? Who is the shooter?

  ROSALINE Shall I teach you to know?

  BOYET Ay, my continent111 of beauty.

  ROSALINE Why, she that bears the bow.

  Finely put off113!

  BOYET My lady goes to kill horns114, but if thou marry,

  Hang me by the neck, if horns that year miscarry115.

  Finely put on116!

  ROSALINE Well, then, I am the shooter.

  BOYET And who is your deer118?

  ROSALINE If we choose by the horns, yourself come not near119.

  Finely put on indeed!

  MARIA You still wrangle with her, Boyet, and she strikes at121

  the brow.

  BOYET But she herself is hit lower: have I hit her123 now?

  ROSALINE Shall I come upon124 thee with an old saying that was

  a man when King Pepin125 of France was a little boy, as

  touching the hit it126?

  BOYET So I may answer thee with one as old, that was a

  woman when Queen Guinevere128 of Britain was a little wench,

  as touching the hit it.

  ROSALINE Thou canst not hit it, hit it, hit it,

  Thou canst not hit it, my good man.

  BOYET I cannot, cannot, cannot,

  An133 I cannot, another can.

  Exeunt [Rosaline and Katherine]

  COSTARD By my troth, most pleasant: how both did fit it134!

  MARIA A mark135 marvellous well shot, for they both did hit it.

  BOYET A mark! O, mark but136 that mark! A mark, says my lady.

  Let the mark have a prick in’t, to mete137 at, if it may be.

  MARIA Wide o’th’bow hand! I’faith your hand is out138.

  COSTARD Indeed, a must shoot nearer, or he’ll ne’er hit the clout139.

  BOYET An if my hand be out, then belike your hand is in140.

  COSTARD Then will she get the upshoot by cleaving the pin141.

  MARIA Come, come, you talk greasily, your lips grow foul.

  COSTARD She’s too hard for you at pricks, sir. Challenge her to bowl143.

  BOYET I fear too much rubbing. Good night, my good owl144.

  [Exeunt Boyet and Maria]

  COSTARD By my soul, a swain, a most simple clown145!

  Lord, Lord, how the ladies and I have put him down!

  O my troth, most sweet jests, most incony vulgar147 wit,

  When it comes so smoothly off, so obscenely148, as it were, so fit.

  Armado o’th’t’other side — O, a most dainty149 man!

  To see him walk before a lady and to bear her fan!

  To see him kiss his hand, and how most sweetly a will swear!

  And his page o’t’other side, that handful of wit!

  Ah, heavens, it is most pathetical nit153!

  Shout within

  Sola154, sola!

  Exit [Costard, running]

  [Act 4 Scene 2]

  running scene 4 continues

  Enter Dull, Holofernes the pedant, and Nathaniel

  NATHANIEL Very reverend sport, truly, and done in the1

  testimony2 of a good conscience.

  HOLOFERNES The deer was, as you know, sanguis3, in blood, ripe as

  a pomewater, who now4 hangeth like a jewel in the ear of

  caelo, the sky, the welkin, the heaven, and anon5 falleth like a

  crab6 on the face of terra, the soil, the land, the earth.

  NATHANIEL Truly, Master Holofernes, the epithets are sweetly

  varied, like a scholar at the least8: but, sir, I assure ye, it was a

  buck of the first head9.

  HOLOFERNES Sir Nathaniel, haud credo10.

  DULL ’Twas not a ‘auld grey doe’, ’twas a pricket11.

  HOLOFERNES Most barbarous intimation12! Yet a kind of

  insinuation, as it were, in via, in way, of explication, facere13, as

  it were, replication14, or rather, ostentare, to show, as it were,

  his inclination, after his undressed15, unpolished, uneducated,

  unpruned, untrained, or rather, unlettered, or ratherest16

  unconfirmed fashion, to insert17 again my haud credo for a

  deer.

  DULL I said the deer was not a haud credo, ’twas a pricket.

  HOLOFERNES Twice-sod simplicity, bis coctus20!

  O thou monster Ignorance, how deformed dost thou look!

  NATHANIEL Sir, he hath never fed of22 the dainties that are bred in

  a book. He hath not eat23 paper, as it were. He hath not drunk

  ink. His intellect is not replenished, he is only an animal,

  only sensible25 in the duller parts.

  And such barren plants are set before us that we thankful should be,

  Which we of taste and feeling are, for those parts that do fructify27 in us more than he.

  For as it would ill become me to be vain, indiscreet, or a fool,

  So were there a patch set on learning29, to see him in a school.

  But omne bene, say I, being of an old father’s mind30,

  Many can brook31 the weather that love not the wind.

  DULL You two are bookmen: can you tell by your wit

  What was a month old at Cain’s birth33 that’s not five weeks old as yet?

  HOLOFERNES Dictynna, goodman34 Dull. Dictynna, goodman Dull.

  DULL What is dictima?

  NATHANIEL A title to Phoebe, to Luna36, to the moon.


  HOLOFERNES The moon was a month old when Adam was no more37,

  And raught not to five weeks when he came to fivescore38.

  Th’allusion holds in the exchange39.

  DULL ’Tis true indeed: the collusion40 holds in

  the exchange.

  HOLOFERNES God comfort thy capacity41! I say, th’allusion holds in the exchange.

  DULL And I say, the pollution43 holds in the exchange, for

  the moon is never but a month old: and I say beside that,

  ’twas a pricket that the princess killed.

  HOLOFERNES Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an extemporal46 epitaph

  on the death of the deer? And, to humour the ignorant,

  called I the deer the princess killed a pricket.

  NATHANIEL Perge49, good Master Holofernes, perge, so it shall

  please you to abrogate scurrility50.

  HOLOFERNES I will something affect the letter, for it argues facility51.

  The preyful princess pierced and pricked a pretty pleasing pricket52,

  Some say a sore, but not a sore, till now made sore with shooting53.

  The dogs did yell, put ‘L’ to sore, then sorrel jumps from thicket.54

  Or pricket sore, or else sorrel, the people fall a-hooting55.

  If sore be sore, then L to sore makes fifty sores o’56sorrel.

  Of one sore I an hundred make by adding but one more ‘L’57.

  NATHANIEL A rare talent.

  Aside

  DULL If a talent be a claw, look how he claws59 him

  with a talent.

  HOLOFERNES This is a gift that I have, simple, simple: a foolish61

  extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures62, shapes, objects,

  ideas, apprehensions, motions, revolutions. These are begot63

  in the ventricle of memory, nourished in the womb of pia64

  mater, and delivered upon the mellowing of occasion65. But

  the gift is good in those in whom it is acute, and I am

  thankful for it.

  NATHANIEL Sir, I praise the Lord for you; and so may my

  parishioners, for their sons are well tutored by you, and their

  daughters profit very greatly under you70. You are a good

  member of the commonwealth.

  HOLOFERNES Mehercle, if their sons be ingenious, they shall want72

  no instruction. If their daughters be capable, I will put it to73

  them. But vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. A soul feminine73

  saluteth us.