The Comedy of Errors Read online

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And welcome more common, for that's nothing but words.

  BALTHASAR Small cheer27 and great welcome makes a merry feast.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing28 guest.

  But though my cates be mean, take them in good part29,

  Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.

  Tries the door of his house

  But soft31, my door is locked.-- Go bid them let us in.

  To Dromio calling

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!32

  Speaks from the other side of the door

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch33,

  Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch34:

  Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store35,

  When one is one too many?36 Go, get thee from the door.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS What patch is made our porter? My master stays37 in the street.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Let him walk from38 whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Who talks within there? Ho39, open the door.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Right, sir, I'll tell you when, an you'll tell me wherefore.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wherefore? For my dinner: I have not dined today.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nor today here you must not, come again when you may.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS What art thou that keep'st me out from the house I owe?43

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS O, villain, thou hast stol'n both mine office45 and my name:

  The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle46 blame.

  If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,47

  Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.

  Enter Luce [within or above, concealed from the others]

  LUCE What a coil49 is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Let my master in, Luce.

  LUCE Faith, no, he comes too late, and so tell your master.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS O lord, I must laugh.

  Have at you with a proverb -- Shall I set in my staff?53

  LUCE Have at you with another, that's -- When? Can you tell?54

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If thy name be called Luce -- Luce, thou hast answered him well.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do you hear, you minion56, you'll let us in, I hope?

  To Luce

  LUCE I thought to have asked you.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE And you said no.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS So come, help.

  They beat the door

  Well struck, there was blow60 for blow.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou baggage61, let me in.

  To Luce

  LUCE Can you tell for whose sake?

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, knock the door hard.

  LUCE Let him knock64 till it ache.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

  LUCE What needs all that, and a pair of stocks66 in the town?

  Enter Adriana

  Within or above, concealed, like Luce

  ADRIANA Who is that at the door that keeps67 all this noise?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.68

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Are you there, wife? You might have come before.

  ADRIANA Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door.

  [Exit with Luce]

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.71

  ANGELO Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain72 have either.

  BALTHASAR In debating which was best, we shall part73 with neither.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS They stand at the door, master, bid them welcome hither.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS There is something in the wind75, that we cannot get in.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.76

  Your cake here is warm within: you stand77 here in the cold.

  It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.78

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Go fetch me something, I'll break ope79 the gate.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Break any breaking80 here, and I'll break your knave's pate.

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS A man may break a word81 with you, sir, and words are but wind:

  Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.82

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE It seems thou want'st breaking. Out upon thee, hind!83

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee let me in.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.85

  [Exit]

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Well, I'll break in. Go borrow me a crow.86

  DROMIO OF EPHESUS A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?

  For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather,

  If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow89 together.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Go get thee gone, fetch me an iron crow.

  BALTHASAR Have patience, sir, O, let it not be so!

  Herein92 you war against your reputation,

  And draw within the compass of suspect93

  Th'unviolated honour of your wife.

  Once this95, your long experience of her wisdom,

  Her sober virtue, years and modesty,

  Plead on her part some cause to you unknown.97

  And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse98

  Why at this time the doors are made99 against you.

  Be ruled by me, depart in patience,

  And let us to the Tiger101 all to dinner,

  And about102 evening, come yourself alone

  To know the reason of this strange restraint.

  If by strong hand you offer104 to break in

  Now in the stirring passage105 of the day,

  A vulgar comment will be made of106 it,

  And that supposed by the common rout107

  Against your yet ungalled estimation108,

  That may with foul intrusion enter in,

  And dwell upon your grave when you are dead,

  For slander lives upon succession111,

  Forever housed where it gets possession.112

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet,

  And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.114

  I know a wench of excellent discourse,

  Pretty and witty, wild, and yet, too, gentle.116

  There will we dine. This woman that I mean,

  My wife -- but I protest, without desert118 --

  Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal.119

  To her will we to dinner.-- Get you home

  To Angelo

  And fetch the chain, by this121 I know 'tis made.

  Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine122,

  For there's the house.123 That chain will I bestow --

  Be it for nothing but to spite my wife --

  Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.

  Since mine own doors refuse to entertain126 me,

  I'll knock127 elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

  ANGELO I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do so, this jest shall cost me some expense.

  Exeunt

  [Act 3 Scene 2]

  running scene 3 continues

  Enter Luciana with Antipholus of Syracuse

  LUCIANA And may it be that you have quite forgot

  A husband's office? Shall, Antipholus,

  Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs3 rot?

  Shall love in building4 grow so ruinous?

  If you did wed my sister for her wealth,

  Then for her wealth's sake use her with more kindness.

  Or if you like elsewhere7, do it
by stealth:

  Muffle your false love with some show of blindness.8

  Let not my sister read it in your eye,

  Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator.10

  Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty11,

  Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger12,

  Bear a fair13 presence though your heart be tainted,

  Teach sin the carriage14 of a holy saint,

  Be secret-false.15 What need she be acquainted?

  What simple thief brags of his own attaint?16

  'Tis double wrong to truant with your bed

  And let her read it in thy looks at board.18

  Shame hath a bastard fame19, well managed,

  Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word.

  Alas, poor women, make us but believe --

  Being compact of credit22 -- that you love us.

  Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve.23

  We in your motion turn, and you may move24 us.

  Then, gentle brother, get you in again,

  Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife:

  'Tis holy sport to be a little vain27,

  When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Sweet mistress, what your name is else29 I know not,

  Nor by what wonder you do hit of30 mine,

  Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not31

  Than our earth32's wonder, more than earth divine.

  Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak.

  Lay open to my earthy-gross conceit34,

  Smothered in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,

  The folded36 meaning of your words' deceit.

  Against my soul's pure truth, why labour you

  To make it wander in an unknown field?

  Are you a god? Would you create me new?39

  Transform me then, and to your power I'll yield.

  But if that I am I, then well I know,

  Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,

  Nor to her bed no homage43 do I owe.

  Far more, far more to you do I decline.44

  O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note45,

  To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears.

  Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote.47

  Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,

  And as a bed I'll take them, and there lie,

  And in that glorious supposition50 think

  He gains by death that hath such means to die.51

  Let love, being light, be drowned if she sink.52

  LUCIANA What, are you mad that you do reason so?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Not mad, but mated54, how, I do not know.

  LUCIANA It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE For gazing on your beams56, fair sun, being by.

  LUCIANA Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE As good to wink58, sweet love, as look on night.

  LUCIANA Why call you me love? Call my sister so.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thy sister's sister.

  LUCIANA That's my sister.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE No:

  It is thyself, mine own self's better part,

  Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,

  My food, my fortune and my sweet hope's aim,

  My sole earth's heaven and my heaven's claim.66

  LUCIANA All this my sister is, or else should be.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee.68

  Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life;

  Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife:

  Give me thy hand.

  LUCIANA O, soft, sir, hold you still:

  I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will.73

  Exit

  Enter Dromio of Syracuse

  Running

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, how now, Dromio, where runn'st

  thou so fast?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Do you know me, sir? Am I Dromio? Am I

  your man? Am I myself?

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou art Dromio, thou art my man,

  thou art thyself.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am an ass, I am a woman's man and

  besides myself.80

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What woman's man? And how besides

  thyself?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a

  woman: one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that

  will have86 me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What claim lays she to thee?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry sir, such claim as you would lay to

  your horse, and she would have me as a beast89 -- not that, I

  being a beast, she would have me, but that she, being a very

  beastly creature, lays claim to me.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is she?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A very reverent93 body: ay, such a one as a

  man may not speak of, without he say 'sir-reverence'.94 I have

  but lean95 luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat

  marriage.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How dost thou mean a fat marriage?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, she's the kitchen wench98 and all

  grease99, and I know not what use to put her to but to make a

  lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I warrant her

  rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter.101 If she

  lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week102 longer than the whole

  world.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What complexion104 is she of?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Swart105, like my shoe, but her face nothing

  like so clean kept: for why? She sweats; a man may go over106

  shoes in the grime of it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE That's a fault that water will mend.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, 'tis in grain.109 Noah's flood could not

  do it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What's her name?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nell, sir. But her name and three quarters --

  that's an ell113 and three quarters -- will not measure her from

  hip to hip.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then she bears some breadth?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No longer from head to foot than from hip to

  hip: she is spherical, like a globe. I could find out117 countries

  in her.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In what part of her body stands Ireland?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, in her buttocks: I found it out by

  the bogs.121

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Scotland?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I found it by the barrenness, hard in the123

  palm of the hand.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where France?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE In her forehead, armed and reverted126,

  making war against her hair.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where England?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I looked for the chalky cliffs129, but I could find

  no whiteness in them. But I guess it stood in her chin, by the

  salt rheum131 that ran between France and it.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where Spain?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Faith, I saw it not, but I felt it hot in her133

  breath.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where America, the Indies?

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O sir, upon her nose, all o'er embellished

  with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich137

  aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who sent whole armadoes138

  of carracks to be ballast at her nose.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?140

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this

  drudge or diviner142 laid claim to me, called me Drom
io, swore I

  was assured to her, told me what privy143 marks I had about

  me, as the mark of144 my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the

  great wart on my left arm, that I, amazed, ran from her as a

  witch. And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith,

  and my heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtal147

  dog and made me turn i'th'wheel.148

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Go, hie thee presently, post to the road149,

  An if the wind blow any way from shore150,

  I will not harbour151 in this town tonight.

  If any bark put forth152, come to the mart,

  Where I will walk till thou return to me.

  If everyone knows us and we know none,

  'Tis time, I think, to trudge155, pack and be gone.

  DROMIO OF SYRACUSE As from a bear a man would run for life,

  So fly I from her that would be my wife.

  Exit

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE There's none but witches158 do inhabit here,

  And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.

  She that doth call me husband, even my160 soul

  Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,

  Possessed with such a gentle sovereign162 grace,

  Of such enchanting presence and discourse,

  Hath almost made me traitor to myself.

  But, lest myself be guilty to165 self-wrong,

  I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song.

  Enter Angelo with the chain

  ANGELO Master Antipholus.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Ay that's my name.

  ANGELO I know it well, sir, lo169, here is the chain.

  I thought to have ta'en you170 at the Porpentine,

  The chain unfinished made me stay171 thus long.

  Gives the chain

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What is your will that I shall do with this?

  ANGELO What please173 yourself, sir: I have made it for you.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Made it for me, sir? I bespoke174 it not.

  ANGELO Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.

  Go home with it and please your wife withal,

  And soon at supper-time I'll visit you,

  And then receive my money for the chain.

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I pray you, sir, receive the money now,

  For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.

  ANGELO You are a merry man, sir, fare you well.

  Exit

  ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What I should think of this, I cannot tell,

  But this I think: there's no man is so vain183

  That would refuse so fair an offered chain.

  I see a man here needs not live by shifts185,

  When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.

  I'll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay187,

  If any ship put out, then straight away.

  Exit

  Act 4 Scene 1

  running scene 4

  Enter a [Second] Merchant, [Angelo the] goldsmith and an Officer

  SECOND MERCHANT You know since Pentecost1 the sum is due,