Love's Labour's Lost (Arden Shakespeare) Read online

  To the Princess

  KING Madam, your father here doth intimate130

  The payment of a hundred thousand crowns,

  Being but th'one half of an entire sum

  Disbursed by my father in his133 wars.

  But say that he or we, as neither have134,

  Received that sum, yet there remains unpaid

  A hundred thousand more, in surety136 of the which,

  One part of Aquitaine is bound137 to us,

  Although not valued to138 the money's worth.

  If then the king your father will restore139

  But that one half which is unsatisfied140,

  We will give up our right in Aquitaine

  And hold fair friendship with his majesty.

  But that, it seems, he little purposeth143,

  For here he doth demand to have repaid144

  An hundred thousand crowns, and not demands,145

  On payment of a hundred thousand crowns,

  To have his title live in147 Aquitaine,

  Which we much rather had depart withal148,

  And have the money by our father lent,

  Than Aquitaine, so gelded150 as it is.

  Dear princess, were not his requests so far

  From reason's yielding, your fair self should make

  A yielding gainst some reason153 in my breast

  And go well satisfied to France again.

  PRINCESS You do the king my father too much wrong

  And wrong the reputation of your name,

  In so unseeming157 to confess receipt

  Of that which hath so faithfully been paid.

  KING I do protest I never heard of it.

  And if you prove it, I'll repay it back

  Or yield up Aquitaine.

  PRINCESS We arrest your word162.

  Boyet, you can produce acquittances163

  For such a sum from special officers

  Of Charles, his165 father.

  KING Satisfy me so166.

  BOYET So please your grace, the packet is not come

  Where that and other specialties168 are bound.

  Tomorrow you shall have a sight of them.

  KING It shall suffice me; at which interview,

  All liberal reason171 would I yield unto.

  Meantime receive such welcome at my hand

  As honour without breach of honour173 may

  Make tender of174 to thy true worthiness.

  You may not come, fair princess, in my gates,

  But here without176 you shall be so received

  As177 you shall deem yourself lodged in my heart,

  Though so denied fair harbour in my house.

  Your179 own good thoughts excuse me, and farewell:

  Tomorrow we shall visit you again.

  PRINCESS Sweet health and fair desires consort181 your grace.

  KING Thy own wish wish I thee in every place182!

  Exit [the King, with Longaville and Dumaine]

  BEROWNE Lady, I will commend you to my own heart.

  ROSALINE Pray you, do my commendations184, I would be glad to

  see it.

  BEROWNE I would you heard it groan.

  ROSALINE Is the fool187 sick?

  BEROWNE Sick at the heart.

  ROSALINE Alack, let it blood189.

  BEROWNE Would that do it good?

  ROSALINE My physic191 says 'ay'.

  BEROWNE Will you prick't with your eye192?

  ROSALINE Non point193, with my knife.

  BEROWNE Now, God save thy life!

  ROSALINE And yours from long living!

  BEROWNE I cannot stay thanksgiving196.

  Exit

  Enter Dumaine

  To Boyet

  DUMAINE Sir, I pray you a word: what lady is that

  same?

  BOYET The heir of Alencon, Katherine199 her name.

  DUMAINE A gallant200 lady. Monsieur, fare you well.

  [Exit]

  [Enter Longaville]

  To Boyet

  LONGAVILLE I beseech you a word: what is she in the

  white?

  BOYET A woman sometimes, if you saw her in the light.

  LONGAVILLE Perchance light in the light204. I desire her name.

  BOYET She hath but one for herself, to desire205 that were a

  shame.

  LONGAVILLE Pray you, sir, whose daughter?

  BOYET Her mother's, I have heard.

  LONGAVILLE God's blessing o'your beard!

  BOYET Good sir, be not offended.

  She is an heir of Falconbridge.

  LONGAVILLE Nay, my choler212 is ended.

  She is a most sweet lady.

  Exit Longaville

  BOYET Not unlike214, sir, that may be.

  Enter Berowne

  BEROWNE What's her name in the cap?

  BOYET Rosaline, by good hap216.

  BEROWNE Is she wedded or no?

  BOYET To her will, sir, or so218.

  BEROWNE You are welcome, sir. Adieu.

  BOYET Farewell to me, sir, and welcome to you220.

  Exit [Berowne]

  MARIA That last is Berowne, the merry madcap lord.

  Not a word with him but a jest.

  BOYET And every jest but a word.

  PRINCESS It was well done of you to take him at his word224.

  BOYET I was as willing to grapple as he was to board225.

  MARIA Two hot sheeps226, marry.

  BOYET And wherefore not 'ships'?

  No sheep, sweet lamb, unless we feed on your lips.

  MARIA You sheep, and I pasture229. Shall that finish the jest?

  BOYET So230 you grant pasture for me.

  Tries to kiss her

  MARIA Not so, gentle beast.

  My lips are no common, though several232 they be.

  BOYET Belonging to whom?

  MARIA To my fortunes and me.

  PRINCESS Good wits will be jangling; but, gentles235, agree.

  This civil236 war of wits were much better used

  On Navarre and his bookmen, for here 'tis abused237.

  BOYET If my observation -- which very seldom lies

  By the heart's still239 rhetoric disclosed with eyes --

  Deceive me not now, Navarre is infected.

  PRINCESS With what?

  BOYET With that which we lovers entitle affected242.

  PRINCESS Your reason?

  BOYET Why, all his behaviours did make their retire244

  To the court of his eye, peeping thorough245 desire.

  His heart, like an agate, with your print impressed246,

  Proud with his form247, in his eye pride expressed.

  His tongue, all impatient to speak and not see248,

  Did stumble with haste in his eyesight to be.

  All senses to that sense did make their repair250,

  To feel only looking on fairest of fair.

  Methought all his senses were locked in his eye,

  As jewels in crystal253 for some prince to buy,

  Who, tend'ring their own worth from whence they were glassed254,

  Did point255 out to buy them along as you passed.

  His face's own margin did quote256 such amazes

  That all eyes saw his eyes enchanted with gazes.

  I'll give you Aquitaine, and all that is his,

  An259 you give him for my sake but one loving kiss.

  PRINCESS Come to our pavilion. Boyet is disposed260.

  BOYET But261 to speak that in words which his eye hath

  disclosed.

  I only have made a mouth of his eye,

  By adding a tongue which I know will not lie.

  ROSALINE Thou art an old love-monger and speakest

  skilfully.

  MARIA He is Cupid's grandfather and learns news of him.

  KATHERINE Then was Venus267 like her mother, for her father267 is but grim268.

  BOYET Do you hear, my mad269 wenches?

  MARIA No.

  BOYET What then, do you see?

  KATHERINE Ay, our way to be gone.

  BOYET You are too hard273 for me.

  Exeunt

  Act 3 [Scene 1]

  running scene 3

  Enter Braggart [Armado] and [his] Boy [Moth, singing a] song

  ARMADO Warble, child, make passionate my sense of

  hearing.

  Sings

  MOTH Concolinel3.

  ARMADO Sweet air4! Go, tenderness of years, take this key, give

  enlargement to the swain, bring him festinately5 hither. I

  must employ him in a letter to my love.

  MOTH Master, will you win your love with a French brawl7?

  ARMADO How meanest thou? Brawling8 in French?

  MOTH No, my complete master: but to jig off a tune9 at the

  tongue's end, canary to it with your feet, humour10 it with

  turning up your eyelids, sigh a note and sing a note,

  sometime through the throat, if you swallowed love with

  singing love, sometime through the nose as if you snuffed up

  love by smelling love, with your hat penthouse-like14 o'er the

  shop of your eyes, with your arms crossed on your thin-belly15

  doublet like a rabbit on a spit, or your hands in your pocket

  like a man after17 the old painting, and keep not too long in

  one tune, but a snip and away. These are compliments18, these

  are humours, these betray nice19 wenches that would be

  betrayed without these and make them men of note20 -- do

  you note, men? -- that most are affected21 to these.

  ARMADO How hast thou purchased22 this experience?

  MOTH By my penny of observation.

  ARMADO But O, but O--

  MOTH 'The hobby-horse is forgot.'25

  ARMADO Callest thou my love 'hobby-horse26'?

  MOTH No, master. The hobby-horse is but a colt27, and your

  love perhaps, a hackney28. But have you forgot your love?

  ARMADO Almost I had.

  MOTH Negligent student! Learn her by heart.

  ARMADO By heart and in heart, boy.

  MOTH And out of heart, master: all those three I will

  prove33.

  ARMADO What wilt thou prove?

  MOTH A man, if I live, and this, 'by', 'in', and 'without',

  upon the instant: 'by' heart you love her, because your heart

  cannot come by37 her. 'In' heart you love her, because your

  heart is in love with her. And 'out' of heart you love her,

  being out of heart39 that you cannot enjoy her.

  ARMADO I am all these three.

  MOTH And three times as much more, and yet nothing at

  all.

  ARMADO Fetch hither the swain. He must carry me43 a letter.

  MOTH A message well sympathized44: a horse to be

  ambassador for an ass.

  ARMADO Ha, ha, what sayest thou?

  MOTH Marry, sir, you must send the ass upon the horse, for

  he is very slow-gaited48. But I go.

  ARMADO The way is but short. Away!

  MOTH As swift as lead, sir.

  ARMADO Thy meaning, pretty ingenious51? Is not lead a metal

  heavy, dull and slow?

  MOTH Minime53, honest master, or rather, master, no.

  ARMADO I say lead is slow.

  MOTH You are too swift, sir, to say so.

  Is that lead slow which is fired from a gun?

  ARMADO Sweet smoke of rhetoric!

  He reputes me a cannon; and the bullet, that's he.

  I shoot thee at the swain.

  MOTH Thump60 then, and I flee.

  [Exit]

  ARMADO A most acute juvenal, voluble and free of grace61!

  By thy favour, sweet welkin62, I must sigh in thy face.

  Most rude melancholy, valour gives thee place63.

  My herald is returned.

  Enter Page [Moth] and Clown [Costard]

  MOTH A wonder, master! Here's a costard65 broken in a

  shin.

  ARMADO Some enigma, some riddle: come, thy l'envoy67,

  begin.

  COSTARD No egma, no riddle, no l'envoy, no salve in the mail69,

  sir. O, sir, plantain70, a plain plantain! No l'envoy, no l'envoy,

  no salve, sir, but a plantain!

  ARMADO By virtue, thou enforcest laughter: thy silly72

  thought, my spleen73. The heaving of my lungs provokes me to

  ridiculous74 smiling. O, pardon me, my stars! Doth the

  inconsiderate take salve75 for l'envoy, and the word 'l'envoy' for a salve?

  MOTH Do the wise think them other? Is not l'envoy a

  salve?

  ARMADO No, page: it is an epilogue or discourse, to make

  plain

  Some obscure precedence that hath tofore been sain80.

  Now will I begin your moral, and do you follow with my

  l'envoy:

  The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee83

  Were still at odds84, being but three.

  Until the goose came out of door,

  Staying the odds by adding four86.

  MOTH A good l'envoy, ending in the goose.87 Would you

  desire more?

  COSTARD The boy hath sold him a bargain, a goose, that's flat89.

  Sir, your pennyworth is good, an90 your goose be fat.

  To sell a bargain well is as cunning as fast and loose91.

  Let me see: a fat l'envoy -- ay, that's a fat goose.

  ARMADO Come hither, come hither. How did this argument93

  begin?

  MOTH By saying that a costard was broken in a shin.

  Then called you for the l'envoy.

  COSTARD True, and I for a plantain: thus came your argument in.

  Then the boy's fat l'envoy, the goose that you bought,

  And he ended the market99.

  ARMADO But tell me, how was there a costard broken in a

  shin?

  MOTH I will tell you sensibly102.

  COSTARD Thou hast no feeling103 of it, Moth. I will speak that l'envoy:

  I Costard, running out, that was safely within,

  Fell over the threshold105 and broke my shin.

  ARMADO We will talk no more of this matter.

  COSTARD Till there be more matter107 in the shin.

  ARMADO Sirrah Costard, I will enfranchise108 thee.

  COSTARD O, marry me to one Frances109: I smell some l'envoy,

  some goose110 in this.

  ARMADO By my sweet soul, I mean setting thee at liberty,

  enfreedoming thy person. Thou wert immured112, restrained,

  captivated, bound.

  COSTARD True, true, and now you will be my purgation114 and

  let me loose115.

  ARMADO I give thee thy liberty, set thee from durance116, and in

  lieu117 thereof impose on thee nothing but this:

  Gives a letter

  bear this significant118 to the country maid Jaquenetta. There is

  remuneration, for the best ward119 of mine

  Gives money

  honours is rewarding my dependants120. Moth, follow.

  [Exit]

  MOTH Like the sequel121, I. Signior Costard, adieu.

  Exit

  COSTARD My sweet ounce of man's flesh, my incony Jew122!

  Now will I look to his remuneration. 'Remuneration' -- O,

  that's the Latin word for three farthings124. Three farthings --

  remuneration. 'What's the price of this inkle125?' 'One penny.'

  'No, I'll give you a remuneration.' Why, it carries it126.

  'Remuneration.' Why, it is a fairer name than French crown127.

  I will never buy and sell out of128 this word.

  Enter Berowne

  BEROWNE O, my good knave Costard, exceedingly well met.

  COSTARD Pray you, sir, how much carnation130 ribbon may a

  man buy for a remuneration?

  BEROWNE What is a remuneration?

  COSTARD Marry, sir, halfpenny farthing133.

  BEROWNE O, why then three farthings worth of silk.

  COSTARD I thank your worship. God be wi'you!

  Starts to leave

  BEROWNE O, stay, slave136, I must employ thee:

  As thou wilt win my favour, good my knave137,

  Do one thing for me that I shall entreat.

  COSTARD When would you have it done, sir?

  BEROWNE O, this afternoon.

  COSTARD Well, I will do it, sir. Fare you well.

  BEROWNE O, thou knowest not what it is.

  COSTARD I shall know, sir, when I have done it.

  BEROWNE Why, villain144, thou must know first.

  COSTARD I will come to your worship tomorrow morning.

  BEROWNE It must be done this afternoon.

  Hark, slave, it is but this:

  The princess comes to hunt here in the park,

  And in her train149 there is a gentle lady,

  When tongues speak sweetly, then they name her name,

  And Rosaline they call her. Ask for her

  And to her white hand see thou do commend152

  Gives a letter and money

  This sealed-up counsel. There's thy guerdon153: go.

  COSTARD Gardon154, O sweet gardon! Better than remuneration,

  a'leven-pence-farthing better155. Most sweet gardon! I will do it,

  sir, in print156. Gardon! Remuneration!

  Exit

  BEROWNE O and I, forsooth, in love! I, that have been love's whip,

  A very beadle to a humorous158 sigh,

  A critic, nay, a night-watch constable,

  A domineering pedant160 o'er the boy,

  Than whom no mortal so magnificent161!

  This wimpled, whining, purblind162, wayward boy,

  This Signior Junior, giant-dwarf, Don Cupid,

  Regent164 of love-rhymes, lord of folded arms,

  Th'anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,

  Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,

  Dread167 prince of plackets, king of codpieces,

  Sole imperator168 and great general

  Of trotting paritors169 -- O my little heart! --

  And I to be a corporal of his field170

  And wear his colours like a tumbler's hoop171.

  What? I love, I sue172, I seek a wife?

  A woman that is like a German clock173,

  Still a-repairing, ever out of frame174,

  And never going aright175, being a watch,

  But being176 watched that it may still go right!

  Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all,

  And, among three, to love the worst of all;

  A whitely wanton with a velvet brow179,

  With two pitch-balls180 stuck in her face for eyes.

  Ay, and by heaven, one that will do the deed181

  Though Argus were her eunuch182 and her guard.

  And I to sigh for her, to watch183 for her,

  To pray for her! Go to184, it is a plague

  That Cupid will impose for my neglect185

  Of his almighty dreadful little might.

  Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue and groan.

  Some men must love my lady, and some Joan188.

  [Exit]