Love's Labour's Lost Read online

  viewest, beholdest, surveyest, or seest. But to the place,

  where? It standeth north-north-east and by east from the

  west corner of thy curious-knotted240 garden; there did I see

  that low-spirited swain, that base minnow of thy mirth241’—

  COSTARD Me?

  Reads

  KING ‘That unlettered243 small-knowing soul’—

  COSTARD Me?

  Reads

  KING ‘That shallow vassal245’—

  COSTARD Still me?

  Reads

  KING ‘Which, as I remember, hight Costard’—

  COSTARD O, me!

  Reads

  KING ‘Sorted and consorted249, contrary to thy

  established proclaimed edict and continent canon250, which

  with — O, with — but with this I passion to say wherewith251’—

  COSTARD With a wench.

  Reads

  KING ‘With a child of our grandmother Eve, a

  female, or, for thy more sweet understanding, a woman. Him

  I (as my ever-esteemed duty pricks255 me on) have sent to thee,

  to receive the meed256 of punishment, by thy sweet grace’s

  officer, Anthony Dull, a man of good repute, carriage257,

  bearing, and estimation258.’

  DULL Me, an’t259 shall please you. I am Anthony Dull.

  Reads

  KING ‘For Jaquenetta — so is the weaker vessel260

  called which I apprehended with the aforesaid swain — I

  keep her as a vessel of the law’s fury, and shall, at the least of262

  thy sweet notice, bring her to trial263. Thine, in all compliments

  of devoted and heart-burning heat of duty. Don Adriano de

  Armado.’

  BEROWNE This is not so well as I looked for266, but the best that

  ever I heard.

  KING Ay, the best for the worst. But, sirrah268, what say you

  to this?

  COSTARD Sir, I confess270 the wench.

  KING Did you hear the proclamation?

  COSTARD I do confess much of the hearing it but little of the

  marking of273 it.

  KING It was proclaimed a year’s imprisonment to be taken

  with a wench.

  COSTARD I was taken with none, sir: I was taken with a

  damsel.

  KING Well, it was proclaimed damsel.

  COSTARD This was no damsel, neither, sir: she was a virgin.

  KING It is so varied280 too, for it was proclaimed virgin.

  COSTARD If it were, I deny her virginity: I was taken with a

  maid.

  KING This maid283 will not serve your turn, sir.

  COSTARD This maid will serve my turn,283 sir.

  KING Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast a

  week with bran and water.

  COSTARD I had rather pray a month with mutton and287

  porridge.

  KING And Don Armado shall be your keeper.

  My Lord Berowne, see him delivered o’er290:

  And go we, lords, to put in practice that

  Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.

  [Exeunt King, Longaville and Dumaine]

  BEROWNE I’ll lay my head to any goodman293’s hat,

  These oaths and laws will prove an idle294 scorn.

  Sirrah, come on.

  COSTARD I suffer for the truth, sir, for true296 it is, I was taken

  with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true girl. And therefore

  welcome the sour cup of prosperity! Affliction298 may one day

  smile again, and until then, sit down299, sorrow!

  Exeunt

  [Act 1 Scene 2]

  running scene 1 continues

  Enter Armado and Moth, his page

  ARMADO Boy, what sign is it1 when a man of great spirit grows

  melancholy?

  MOTH A great sign, sir, that he will look sad.

  ARMADO Why, sadness is one and the self-same thing, dear

  imp5.

  MOTH No, no, O lord, sir, no.

  ARMADO How canst thou part7 sadness and melancholy, my

  tender juvenal8?

  MOTH By a familiar demonstration of the working9, my

  tough señor.

  ARMADO Why tough señor? Why tough señor?

  MOTH Why tender juvenal? Why tender juvenal?

  ARMADO I spoke it, tender juvenal, as a congruent epitheton13

  appertaining to thy young days, which we may nominate14

  tender.

  MOTH And I, tough senior, as an appertinent16 title to your

  old time, which we may name tough.

  ARMADO Pretty and apt.

  MOTH How mean you, sir? I pretty, and my saying apt? Or I

  apt, and my saying pretty?

  ARMADO Thou pretty21, because little.

  MOTH Little pretty, because little.21 Wherefore apt?

  ARMADO And therefore apt, because quick23.

  MOTH Speak you this in my praise, master?

  ARMADO In thy condign25 praise.

  MOTH I will praise an eel with the same praise.

  ARMADO What, that an eel is ingenious?

  MOTH That an eel is quick28.

  ARMADO I do say thou art quick in answers. Thou heat’st my29

  blood.

  MOTH I am answered, sir.

  ARMADO I love not to be crossed32.

  Aside

  MOTH He speaks the mere contrary: crosses33 love not him.

  ARMADO I have promised to study three years with the duke35.

  MOTH You may do it in an hour, sir.

  ARMADO Impossible.

  MOTH How many is one thrice told38?

  ARMADO I am ill at reckoning. It fits the spirit of a tapster39.

  MOTH You are a gentleman and a gamester40, sir.

  ARMADO I confess both: they are both the varnish of a

  complete42 man.

  MOTH Then I am sure you know how much the gross sum

  of deuce-ace44 amounts to.

  ARMADO It doth amount to one more than two.

  MOTH Which the base vulgar46 call three.

  ARMADO True.

  MOTH Why, sir, is this such a piece48 of study? Now here’s

  three studied ere you’ll thrice wink. And how easy it is to put

  ‘years’ to the word ‘three’, and study three years in two

  words, the dancing horse51 will tell you.

  ARMADO A most fine figure52!

  MOTH To prove you a cipher53.

  Aside

  ARMADO I will hereupon confess I am in love. And as it is base54

  for a soldier to love, so am I in love with a base wench. If

  drawing my sword against the humour of affection56 would

  deliver me from the reprobate57 thought of it, I would take

  desire prisoner, and ransom him to any French courtier for a

  new-devised curtsy. I think scorn59 to sigh: methinks I should

  outswear Cupid60. Comfort me, boy. What great men have

  been in love?

  MOTH Hercules62, master.

  ARMADO Most sweet Hercules! More authority, dear boy,

  name more; and, sweet my child, let them be men of good

  repute and carriage65.

  MOTH Samson, master. He was a man of good carriage66,

  great carriage, for he carried the town-gates on his back like67

  a porter, and he was in love.

  ARMADO O well-knit69 Samson, strong-jointed Samson! I do

  excel thee in my rapier70 as much as thou didst me in carrying

  gates. I am in love too. Who was Samson’s love, my dear

  Moth?

  MOTH A woman, master.

  ARMADO Of what complexion74?

  MOTH Of all the four75, or the three, or the two, or one of the

  four.

  ARMADO Tell me precisely of what complexion.
>
  MOTH Of the sea-water green78, sir.

  ARMADO Is that one of the four complexions?

  MOTH As I have read, sir, and the best of them too.

  ARMADO Green81 indeed is the colour of lovers, but to have a

  love of that colour, methinks Samson had small reason for it.

  He surely affected her for her wit83.

  MOTH It was so, sir, for she had a green84 wit.

  ARMADO My love is most immaculate white and red.

  MOTH Most maculate86 thoughts, master, are masked under

  such colours87.

  ARMADO Define88, define, well-educated infant.

  MOTH My father’s wit and my mother’s tongue assist me!

  ARMADO Sweet invocation of a child, most pretty and

  pathetical91!

  MOTH If she be made of92 white and red,

  Her faults will ne’er be known,

  For blushing cheeks by faults are bred

  And fears by pale white shown.

  Then if she fear, or be to blame,

  By this97 you shall not know,

  For still98 her cheeks possess the same

  Which native she doth owe99.

  A dangerous rhyme, master, against the reason of white and100

  red.101

  ARMADO Is there not a ballad, boy, of the King and the102

  Beggar?

  MOTH The world was very guilty of such a ballad some

  three ages since105, but I think now ’tis not to be found, or, if it

  were, it would neither serve106 for the writing nor the tune.

  ARMADO I will have that subject newly writ o’er, that I may

  example my digression108 by some mighty precedent. Boy, I do

  love that country girl that I took in the park with the rational109

  hind Costard. She deserves well.

  Aside

  MOTH To be whipped: and yet111 a better love than

  my master.

  ARMADO Sing, boy. My spirit grows heavy113 in love.

  Aside

  MOTH And that’s great marvel, loving a light114 wench.

  ARMADO I say sing.

  MOTH Forbear till this company be past.

  Enter [Costard, the] Clown,116 [Dull, the] Constable and [Jaquenetta, a] wench

  DULL Sir, the duke’s pleasure is that you keep Costard safe:

  and you must let him take no delight nor no penance118, but he

  must fast three days a week. For119 this damsel, I must keep her

  at the park: she is allowed for the dey-woman120. Fare you well.

  Exit

  Aside

  ARMADO I do betray myself with blushing.— Maid!

  JAQUENETTA Man?

  ARMADO I will visit thee at the lodge123.

  JAQUENETTA That’s hereby124.

  ARMADO I know where it is situate.

  JAQUENETTA Lord, how wise you are!

  ARMADO I will tell thee wonders.

  JAQUENETTA With that face128?

  ARMADO I love thee.

  JAQUENETTA So I heard you say.

  ARMADO And so farewell.

  JAQUENETTA Fair weather after you.

  COSTARD Come, Jaquenetta, away.

  Exit [Jaquenetta]

  ARMADO Villain134, thou shalt fast for thy offences ere thou be

  pardoned.

  COSTARD Well, sir, I hope, when I do it, I shall do it on a full136

  stomach.

  ARMADO Thou shalt be heavily punished.

  COSTARD I am more bound to you than your fellows139, for they

  are but lightly140 rewarded.

  To Moth

  ARMADO Take away this villain. Shut him up.

  MOTH Come, you transgressing slave, away!

  COSTARD Let me not be pent up, sir, I will fast being loose143.

  MOTH No, sir, that were fast and loose. Thou shalt to144

  prison.

  COSTARD Well, if ever I do see the merry days of desolation146

  that I have seen, some shall see—

  MOTH What shall some see?

  COSTARD Nay, nothing, Master Moth, but what they look

  upon. It is not for prisoners to be too silent150 in their words and

  therefore I will say nothing. I thank God I have as little151

  patience as another man and therefore I can be quiet.

  [Exeunt Moth and Costard]

  ARMADO I do affect153 the very ground, which is base, where her

  shoe, which is baser, guided by her foot, which is basest, doth

  tread. I shall be forsworn, which is a great argument155 of

  falsehood, if I love. And how can that be true love which is

  falsely attempted? Love is a familiar157, love is a devil. There is

  no evil angel but love. Yet Samson was so tempted, and he

  had an excellent strength. Yet was Solomon159 so seduced, and

  he had a very good wit. Cupid’s butt-shaft160 is too hard for

  Hercules’ club, and therefore too much odds161 for a Spaniard’s

  rapier. The first and second cause will not serve my turn162. The

  passado he respects not, the duello163 he regards not. His

  disgrace is to be called boy, but his glory is to subdue men.

  Adieu, valour: rust, rapier: be still, drum, for your manager165

  is in love; yea, he loveth. Assist me, some extemporal god of166

  rhyme, for I am sure I shall turn sonnet167. Devise, wit: write,

  pen, for I am for whole volumes in folio168.

  Exit

  Act 2 [Scene 1]

  running scene 2

  Enter the Princess of France with three attending Ladies [Rosaline, Maria and Katherine] and three Lords [Boyet and two others]

  BOYET Now, madam, summon up your dearest spirits1.

  Consider who the king your father sends,

  To whom he sends, and what’s his embassy3:

  Yourself, held precious in the world’s esteem,

  To parley with the sole inheritor5

  Of all perfections that a man may owe6,

  Matchless Navarre, the plea7 of no less weight

  Than Aquitaine, a dowry for a queen.

  Be now as prodigal of all dear9 grace

  As Nature was in making graces dear10

  When she did starve the general world beside11

  And prodigally gave them all to you.

  PRINCESS Good Lord Boyet, my beauty, though but mean13,

  Needs not the painted flourish of your praise.

  Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye,

  Not uttered by base sale of chapmen’s16 tongues:

  I am less proud to hear you tell17 my worth

  Than you much willing to be counted18 wise

  In spending19 your wit in the praise of mine.

  But now to task the tasker20. Good Boyet,

  You are not ignorant all-telling fame21

  Doth noise abroad22 Navarre hath made a vow,

  Till painful23 study shall outwear three years,

  No woman may approach his silent court:

  Therefore to’s seemeth it a needful25 course,

  Before we enter his forbidden gates,

  To know his pleasure, and in that behalf27,

  Bold of your worthiness, we single28 you

  As our best-moving fair solicitor29.

  Tell him the daughter of the King of France,

  On serious business craving quick dispatch,

  Importunes personal conference32 with his grace.

  Haste, signify so much, while we attend33,

  Like humble-visaged suitors, his high will.

  BOYET Proud of employment, willingly35 I go.

  Exit

  PRINCESS All pride36 is willing pride, and yours is so.

  Who are the votaries37, my loving lords,

  That are vow-fellows with this virtuous duke?

  A LORD Longaville is one.

  PRINCESS Know you the man?

>   MARIA I know him, madam: at a marriage-feast

  Between Lord Perigort and the beauteous heir42

  Of Jaques Falconbridge, solemnized

  In Normandy44, saw I this Longaville.

  A man of sovereign parts45 he is esteemed,

  Well fitted in arts, glorious in arms46.

  Nothing becomes him ill that he would well47.

  The only soil of his fair virtue’s gloss48,

  If virtue’s gloss will stain with any soil,

  Is a sharp wit matched with too blunt a will50,

  Whose edge hath power to cut, whose will still51 wills

  It should none spare that come within his52 power.

  PRINCESS Some merry mocking lord, belike53: is’t so?

  MARIA They say so most that most his humours54 know.

  PRINCESS Such short-lived wits do wither as they grow.

  Who are the rest?

  KATHERINE The young Dumaine, a well-accomplished youth,

  Of all that virtue love for virtue58 loved:

  Most power to do most harm, least knowing ill59,

  For he hath wit to make an ill shape good60,

  And shape to win grace though61 he had no wit.

  I saw him at the Duke Alençon’s62 once,

  And much too little of that good I saw

  Is my report to his great worthiness.63

  ROSALINE Another of these students at that time

  Was there with him, if I have heard a truth.

  Berowne they call him, but a merrier man,

  Within the limit of becoming68 mirth,

  I never spent an hour’s talk withal69.

  His eye begets occasion70 for his wit,

  For every object that the one doth catch71,

  The other turns to a mirth-moving72 jest,

  Which his fair tongue, conceit’s expositor73,

  Delivers in such apt and gracious words

  That agèd ears play truant at75 his tales

  And younger hearings are quite ravishèd,

  So sweet and voluble77 is his discourse.

  PRINCESS God bless my ladies! Are they all in love,

  That every one her own hath garnishèd

  With such bedecking80 ornaments of praise?

  MARIA Here comes Boyet.

  Enter Boyet

  PRINCESS Now, what admittance82, lord?

  BOYET Navarre had notice of your fair approach,

  And he and his competitors84 in oath

  Were all addressed85 to meet you, gentle lady,

  Before I came. Marry, thus much I have learned:

  He rather means to lodge you in the field87,