srsly Hamlet Read online

  Ophelia

  Claudius

  Uh, we’ll get back 2 u.

  Group text: Claudius, Horatio, Gertrude

  Claudius

  Yikes! Horatio, follow Ophelia! & keep over her! She has completely lost it, Hamlet-style. w/ over Polonius.

  Gertrude

  Do you hear something? It sounds like someone has broken into the ?!

  Claudius

  There’s a huge angry mob outside!!! They are shouting: “Laertes shall be !!”

  Laertes has checked into Elsinore Castle—with Huge Angry Mob.

  Huge Angry Mob likes this

  Group text: Laertes, Claudius, Gertrude

  Laertes

  CLAUDIUS!!!! U MUST SPEAK W/ ME @ ONCE!!!! I WILL CALL OFF MY HUGE ANGRY MOB BUT ONLY IF U SPEAK W/ ME NOW!!!!!!

  Claudius

  Wut would u like 2 discuss?

  Laertes

  WHERE IS MY FATHER?

  Claudius

  Gertrude

  But we didn’t kill him!

  Laertes

  THEN WHO DID?!?! TELL ME!! I WILL NOT SPARE U UNLESS U TELL ME EXACTLY WUT HAPPENED. I DON’T CARE THAT U R THE !!!! I WILL AVENGE HIS MURDER NOW!!!!!

  Claudius

  I understand that u r upset. But calm down & we’ll talk!! I’m & that Polonius is 2!!

  Laertes

  Ophelia!! My sweet sister. Where r u?

  Ophelia

  Laertes

  NO NO NO NO NO

  Ophelia

  Laertes

  DON’T TELL ME U R AS 2 THE AS DAD!!

  Ophelia

  Laertes

  U demanding revenge would not make me as as seeing u like this!

  Ophelia

  Laertes

  DEAR GOD, WUT HAPPENED 2 OPHELIA?!?!

  Claudius

  Look. U can literally ask any1 in the entire . Every1 will tell u Gert and I had nuthin 2 do w/ it. U can have my & if any1 tells u otherwise. K?

  Laertes

  Fine. But the way he and the way u guys buried him was BS. No or anything. Someone’s gonna pay, man.

  Claudius

  I know. But find out wut actually happened b4 u jump 2 conclusions. And then u can get revenge. K?

  Laertes

  Fine.

  [Scene 6]

  Welcome, Horatio! You have 1 new message from Hamlet.

  Horatio,

  We were only out to for 2 days when our was overtaken by pirates. They took me as their prisoner, and while they’ve been decent so far, they want me to do them a favor. R&G are still on their way to . I have so much to tell you but it will have to be later. Find me ASAP!

  Yours,

  Hamlet

  PS: See attached for some letters to the .

  King1.doc

  King2.doc

  [Scene 7]

  Claudius

  Did u ask ppl yet?

  Laertes

  Yes.

  Claudius

  So u know I didn’t do n-e-thing wrong. & in fact Hamlet was trying 2 me?!?! #RegicideAmIRight

  Laertes

  I guess, but u still should have done something about it!!!!

  Claudius

  Wut do u want me 2 do??

  1. I’m married 2 Hamlet’s mother, remember??

  2. U know how ppl him around here. They think he is an ! N-e-thing I say will only make me look bad.

  Laertes

  So wut am I supposed 2 do?! My dad is . My sister’s . I must get revenge somehow.

  Claudius

  I have a plan in the works but u gotta b patient. BRB.

  Welcome, Claudius! You have 1 new message from Hamlet.

  High & mighty, I’m coming back to Denmark. Alone. I will apologize and explain everything to you tomorrow.

  Claudis Laertes

  Claudius

  Check ur . I just forwarded u something.

  Laertes

  Is that really from Hamlet??

  Claudius

  It says “Sent from Hamlet’s iPhone.” Why is he alone??

  Laertes

  IDK but let him come. is about 2 get real.

  Claudius

  Can I help?

  Laertes

  Yeah, as long as u don’t try 2 convince me 2 and .

  Claudius

  Why would I tell u 2 wear ?

  Laertes

  *make up

  Claudius

  No, I want u 2 get ur revenge!! I have a plan that will make it seem like an accident. That way, Gertrude won’t get & we can continue 2 live 2gether in sin. Lolz.

  Laertes

  I don’t care wut happens as long as I get 2 Hamlet myself.

  Claudius

  Def.

  Laertes

  So wut’s the plan?

  Claudius

  Ur still pretty awesome @ fencing, right?

  Laertes

  Yeah.

  Claudius

  OK, so u challenge Hamlet 2 a fencing duel when he gets back. But instead of using a blunted blade…

  Laertes

  I’LL POISON THE TIP OF MY SWORD!!!!

  Claudius

  I was just going 2 say u use a real sword.

  But poison works 2. lol

  Laertes

  We should have a backup plan in case sumthing goes wrong.

  Claudius

  Yeah ur rite. Let’s have filled with poison 2!

  But rly, wut could go wrong?!?!

  Group text: Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes

  Gertrude

  I need to speak with you both ASAP.

  Claudius

  1 sec. We’re in the middle of something.

  Gertrude

  We have to talk NOW.

  Claudius

  Wut?

  Gertrude

  More bad news. Laertes…

  Laertes

  What?

  WHAT?!

  Gertrude

  IDK how 2 say this…your sister has drowned.

  Laertes

  OH ! OPHELIA? WHERE? HOW?

  Gertrude

  There is a willow down by the river. She was collecting and making them into garlands. She fell into the , and for a her held her up. But then the became too heavy and pulled her down.

  I’m so sorry.

  Laertes

  I cannot even because there’s 2 much already. G2G

  Claudius

  Rly glad I just wasted a lot of & energy talking someone down. FML

  REPLY

  [Scene 1]

  Hamlet and Horatio have checked into the Church Graveyard.

  Gravedigger

  Digging a grave in the cemetery, but IDK why bc this person took their own life. #MoneyTalks

  REPLY

  Hamlet: Whose grave is it?

  Gravedigger: Mine.

  Hamlet: What are you digging this for?

  Gravedigger: No man.

  Hamlet: Then what ?

  Gravedigger: None.

  Hamlet: SMH. Who is going to be BURIED here?

  Gravedigger: She WAS a woman. But now she’s no one.

  Hamlet: I guess that’s how it goes. Life, ya know? then .

  Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes, and a Priest have checked into the Church Graveyard.

  Hamlet

  Horatio, did you see who just checked in?

  Horatio

  Yeah. What should we do?

  Hamlet

  Let’s , but keep our distance.

  I see a casket. But it’s weird to have such a small funeral.

  Horatio

  Can you what they’re saying?

  Hamlet

  They are talking about Ophelia!!! OMG Ophelia is DEAD?!

  Horatio

  I’m so sorry.

  Hamlet

  It can’t be! And yet Laertes just keeps going on and on about how he is. Doesn’t he know I her, too?!

  Hamlet

  Laertes, is it true? Ophelia is ?! I loved her w/ all my !

  Laertes

  W
ell, I loved her more!

  Hamlet

  Oh, really?

  Laertes

  x infinity

  Hamlet

  This is ridiculous. I’m not going to fight with you over who loved her more. (Me.)

  Laertes

  *cough* Me. Also bc u know u will lose.

  Hamlet

  Screw you.

  Laertes

  And take you!

  [Scene 2]

  Hamlet

  Laertes is such a .

  Horatio

  Lol

  Hamlet

  Oh! I still have to tell you about the thing!

  Horatio

  That’s right! Can you tell me now?

  Hamlet

  Yes. So when I was traveling with R&G, I had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I decided to steal the Claudius had given them, just to see what it said. Well, I’m hella glad I did because I found out…

  Horatio

  YES?! What did you find out?

  Hamlet

  He had given the of instructions to ME.

  Horatio

  OH HELL NO. Claudius did that?!

  Hamlet

  See for yourself if you want. I still have the .

  Horatio

  What did you do???

  Hamlet

  I re the except this time, I said to Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. I used the Denmark royal seal and everything. #BWAHAHAHA

  Horatio

  So R&G are now & .

  Hamlet

  Self-defense!

  Horatio

  You know Claudius is going to find out what happened.

  Hamlet

  Which is why I have to act quickly.

  I do feel bad that I yelled at Laertes, though. We’re basically in the same . I’ll be nice to him from now on.

  Claudius

  @Hamlet @Laertes: I challenge u 2 a duel! Place your bets, ladies & gentlemen. Winner gets #SWAG #SWAG #SWAG #SWAG

  REPLY

  Laertes: Come @ me bro

  Hamlet: *shrug* Why not?

  Horatio: You guys sure this is a good idea?

  Gertrude: How early is too early to start drinking?

  Hamlet

  Laertes, we should talk before the duel.

  Laertes

  I’m listening.

  Hamlet

  I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry about your dad and your sister. I shouldn’t have been such a . We actually have a lot in common, you & me.

  Laertes

  Thx. I need 2 think about everything, but I appreciate ur text.

  Hamlet, Horatio, Laertes, Claudius, and Gertrude have checked into the Elsinore Castle Lobby.

  Horatio

  Hello, and welcome to the @Laertes @Hamlet “Elsinore Castle Throwdown.” I will be live-posting events as they happen.

  REPLY

  Claudius: Let’s get this started!!!

  Horatio

  +1 for @Hamlet!

  REPLY

  Claudius: I’ll drink to that. Good work, son!

  Gertrude: Save some for me.

  Horatio

  +1 again for @Hamlet. I thought @Laertes was the swordsman? #Rumors #2Good2BTrue

  REPLY

  Gertrude: Cheers, @Hamlet! I drink to your health!

  Claudius: NO! @Gertrude! Do NOT drink that wine.

  Gertrude: Too late! #NomNomNom

  Horatio

  +1 for @Laertes! It looks like he’s drawn blood from @Hamlet’s shoulder!! Is he using a real sword?! #CheaterCheater

  REPLY

  Crowd: Booooo!

  Horatio

  Okay, well, now @Laertes and @Hamlet are just . This is some crazy .

  REPLY

  Horatio

  What’s this? @Hamlet and @Laertes have accidentally switched swords! Well, we’ve never seen this before, folks, nor are we likely to see it again!

  REPLY

  Crowd: We’re getting our worth!

  Horatio

  The Queen has collapsed in the stands! Someone call the !! Wait, I’m on my . *facepalm* Hold on.…

  REPLY

  Group text: Hamlet, Laertes, Claudius, Gertrude

  Hamlet

  OUT! Laertes needs help.

  Laertes

  Hamlet, we’ve been poisoned by my sword. There’s no antidote on . We r both about 2 . I’m by my own treachery. #MyBad

  But rly it’s all Claudius’s fault!!!

  Claudius

  Who, me?!

  Hamlet

  Mom! What’s wrong?

  Claudius

  She fainted at the sight of u & Laertes bleeding.

  Gertrude

  No. It was the . Hamlet, I’ve been poisoned!

  Hamlet

  MOM! NO!!!!!!!

  Horatio

  @Laertes is dying right before our . And OMG! @Hamlet has stopped fencing and is forcing the poisoned down @Claudius’s throat! Now he’s stabbed the !!

  REPLY

  Crowd: Treason!!!

  Horatio: The king and queen are now .

  Crowd: *gasp*

  Hamlet

  Laertes

  Hamlet, dude, I’m so sry. Do u forgive me? I forgive u. It was all Claudius.

  Hamlet

  On that we can agree.

  We’re cool. Die in .

  Fortinbras has checked into Elsinore Castle—with 10,000 others.

  Hamlet

  I’m dying, Horatio.

  Horatio

  NO. Hamlet. Stay away from the !

  Hamlet

  There’s not much . My hands are growing too weak to type. You are the only one who can tell the real now. My dad, Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes, Polonius, and Ophelia. All dead and gone. #RIP #ExceptClaudius

  Horatio

  Hamlet, I can’t. I’ll drink the poison, too!

  Hamlet

  NO. Horatio, listen. Not only does someone need to clean up all these bodies, but you’re the only one left who knows the truth. Promise me you’ll tell everyone everything (especially Fortinbras). Even if it means living longer in this awful . Please. Remember me.

  Horatio

  I will, always. May the take you to a better place.