srsly Hamlet Read online

  Ophelia has updated her relationship status from “In a relationship” to “It’s complicated.”

  REPLY

  [Scene 4]

  Claudius has posted 11 new photos to the album: Here We Go a-Wassailing! —with Queen Gertrude and 10 others.

  Queen Gertrude likes this.

  REPLY

  Hamlet

  It’s almost midnight. LET’S DO THIS. #FOMO

  REPLY

  Group text: Marcellus, Hamlet, Horatio

  Marcellus

  Where u @?!

  Hamlet

  On the way to the gate.

  Horatio

  Almost there.

  Marcellus

  K. What’s all that coming from the ?

  Hamlet

  Don’t remind me. My uncle is getting .

  Marcellus

  Srsly? Kings still do that on their wedding nite??

  Hamlet

  Not the good ones. FML.

  Marcellus

  Look out!! I think I see the !

  Hamlet

  I see it, too! It wants me to follow him!

  Horatio

  NO. It’s too dangerous.

  Hamlet

  What’s the worst that could happen? I DIE? Have u forgotten how much my life sucks right now?

  Horatio

  STOP. Hamlet, please.

  Hamlet

  Another word and I’ll you, Horatio. I swear to God.

  Horatio

  Marcellus

  Something is in the state of Denmark.

  REPLY

  [Scene 5]

  Hamlet and Ghost of Hamlet have checked into Creepy Black Forest.

  Ghost

  Hamlet, I don’t have much , but I must tell you a terrible , and ask for your help in avenging my MURDER.

  Hamlet

  MURDER?!

  Ghost

  Yes, MURDER. While I was in the , a stung me. And that now wears my .

  Hamlet

  I knew it! Uncle-Dad Claudius!

  Ghost

  Yes. That wicked took my life, my , my , my —everything!

  Hamlet

  How???

  Ghost

  While I was , poured some into my . Poison! I never had a chance. If you ever really ed me, you will 2 .

  Hamlet

  Of course I will! Um , what about Aunt-Mom?

  Ghost

  It’s not up to us to punish her. Leave her to the . Now I have to go. Good-bye, Hamlet. Remember me.

  Hamlet

  You have my word. Revenge is all I can think about now. I swear it will be done.

  Group text: Horatio, Marcellus, Hamlet

  Horatio

  Hamlet, where did you go?

  Marcellus

  Everything OK?!

  Hamlet

  Yes, but promise never to repeat ANYTHING that happened tonight.

  Marcellus

  I sweat!

  Horatio

  I sweat, too!

  Marcellus

  *swear lolz #DamnYouAutocomplete

  Hamlet

  Guys, this is serious.

  Marcellus

  Sry, sry. I swear!

  Horatio

  Me too.

  Hamlet

  Good. Cut & paste that a few more times so I know you mean it.

  Horatio

  I swear! I swear! I swear!

  Marcellus

  I swear! I swear! I swear!

  R we good? I don’t have unlimited txts.

  Hamlet

  Okay, but listen—and this is important—from now on, I will be acting . You guys have to go along with it. Okay?

  Marcellus

  K

  Horatio

  [Scene 1]

  Polonius

  I need u 2 keep close on my son.

  Reynaldo

  What 4, boss?

  Polonius

  He’s going off 2 , and u know what that means.

  Reynaldo

  A lifetime of student loans?

  Polonius

  No! I’m worried he’ll b !

  Reynaldo

  I see. And how would you like me to find out?

  Polonius

  Tell people he’s been !

  Reynaldo

  Huh?

  Polonius

  If u that he does & other people agree, then we’ll know he does!

  Reynaldo

  don’t u think that will give him a bad reputation? IMHO

  Polonius

  Just make it seem like NBD. He’s young! He’s free! We’ll use lies 2 find out the truth. Get it now?

  Reynaldo

  Whatever u say, boss.

  Ophelia

  dad! help! i need you!!!!!!!!!

  Polonius

  What’s wrong?

  Ophelia

  it’s hamlet. he stormed into my room looking like he’d seen a and rambled like a person!!! then he just at me and walked out the again!!!!!!

  Polonius

  like he’s lost his mind. Did u do anything 2 make him ?

  Ophelia

  only EXACTLY what YOU told me to do!!! not txt him or respond to his txts.

  Polonius

  That must b it. He’s gone bc he u. I’ll tell the king at once. Brb.

  [Scene 2]

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have checked into Elsinore Castle—with Queen Gertrude and King Claudius.

  Group text: Gertrude, Guildenstern, Claudius, Rosencrantz

  Gertrude

  Welcome! I’m so you made it to the safely. Meet us in the lobby?

  Guildenstern

  Of course! B right there.

  Claudius

  And thx again for offering 2 talk 2 Hamlet.

  Rosencrantz

  Happy 2 help. Hopefully we’ll get 2 the bottom of this.

  Gertrude

  If his two BFFs can’t get through to him, IDK what will.

  Guildenstern

  Wish us !

  Welcome, Gertrude! You have 10 new messages from Polonius waiting in folder: Spam.

  Claudius

  Did u c all the Polonius sent? He said they r from Hamlet 2 Ophelia.

  Gertrude

  Nope. I forward everything from Polonius to my spam folder.

  Claudius

  He thinks he wut’s wrong w/ Hamlet.

  Gertrude

  Besides the fact that his father is dead and I just married you?

  Claudius

  Yeah, Polonius thinks Hamlet Ophelia. U think that could b it?

  Gertrude

  Only one way to out the truth.

  Welcome, Claudius! You have received an e-card from Voltimand and Cornelius.

  Good news! We talked 2 Fortinbras’s uncle, Old Norway, and he said he is willing 2 attack Poland instead of us! Looks like we’re safe 4 now. Denmark FTW!

  Group text: Claudius, Polonius, Gertrude

  Claudius

  Polonius, can u PROVE that Hamlet is bc he Ophelia?

  Polonius

  Let’s have her reach out 2 him and what happens. I’ll text him 2.

  Polonius

  Hello. How r u?

  Hamlet

  Fine, thx.

  Polonius

  U know who this is, rite?

  Hamlet

  Yes, of course. You’re a !

  Polonius

  No, u must b thinking of sum1 else.

  Hamlet

  Well, I wish you were a because at least those guys are honest.

  Polonius

  IDK what u r talking about.

  Hamlet

  Do you have a daughter?

  Polonius

  U know that I do.

  Hamlet

  Watch out for her. It’s a dangerous we live in.

  Polonius

  Tru …uh, so what r u up 2?

  Hamlet

  Reading.

  Polonius

  What are you reading?

  Hamlet

  Poloniu
s

  But what r the about?

  Hamlet

  About a old fool! Imagine that! Srsly, an can become a if like a crab u go backward.

  Polonius

  Ah. Well, I guess I should let u go.

  Hamlet

  I guess you should.

  Polonius

  Not gonna name names, but there’s a method 2 a CERTAIN someone’s madness.

  REPLY

  Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Hamlet

  Rosencrantz

  Guess what?

  Guildenstern

  R&G in the !

  Hamlet

  You came to see me in ?

  Rosencrantz

  You’re on fire?!?!

  Hamlet

  No, no. Hell. Why are you here?

  Rosencrantz

  We wanted 2 see u.

  Hamlet

  Ah, so no one MADE you come?

  Rosencrantz

  No.

  Guildenstern

  Yes.

  I mean no?

  Rosencrantz

  I mean yes?

  Hamlet

  SMH you two need to get your straight.

  Rosencrantz

  Guildenstern

  Hamlet

  Just FYI: I’m depressed. Life is supposed to be s and but right now I don’t feel anything.

  Rosencrantz

  That sux, but we have a that might cheer u up.

  Hamlet

  What’s that?

  Guildenstern

  A !

  Rosencrantz

  We brought a bunch of actors from the .

  Hamlet

  Oh yeah? Can I pick the ?

  Guildenstern

  Of course, if it will make u feel better.

  Hamlet

  Oh, it most certainly will.

  Hamlet has added 1 script for the play The Murder of Gonzago and 1 Wite-Out bottle to cart.

  [Scene 1]

  2 or 2 , that is the . Is it better to muddle through a miserable life you have no control over? Or is it better to back and maybe win? If I died—if I gave up and threw in the towel—all my problems would go away. I’d have no more or .

  But could be even worse than life! WTF. Maybe it’s better to deal with the problems I have than end up with others that are WORSE? That’s the thing, isn’t it? We’re all cowards because we don’t know what comes next. So we muddle through, and don’t do anything for fear of making things worse. #TheStruggleIsReal

  Claudius

  I think u should have Ophelia talk 2 Hamlet. Then we can the txts and decide wut 2 do.

  Polonius

  K stay tuned!

  Hamlet has checked into the Elsinore Castle Lobby.

  Hamlet

  Hi.

  Ophelia

  how are you?

  Hamlet

  Been better.

  Ophelia

  we need to talk. i have to give you back all the you wrote me.

  Hamlet

  I never wrote you any .

  Ophelia

  don’t make this harder than it has to be. you know you did. and they were beautiful and appreciated, but i can’t keep them. it’s just not working out.

  hamlet?

  SAY SOMETHING!

  Hamlet

  What do you want me to say?

  Ophelia

  i don’t know. SOMETHING.

  Hamlet

  You know, I really did you.

  Ophelia

  i know.

  Hamlet

  And yet I didn’t you at all.

  Ophelia

  ????

  Hamlet

  Look. Just give up on and join the . IMHO all are terrible, and the last thing you need is to start a in this wretched . I don’t get it. dress up and dumb down. and talk. It’s all so fake. I’M SICK OF IT.

  Ophelia

  wow. tell me how you really feel.

  Hamlet

  GO.

  Ophelia

  Ophelia has changed her relationship status from “It’s complicated” to “Single.”

  REPLY

  Horatio: Oh no, what happened?

  Rosencrantz: Are you going to the show tonight?

  Polonius

  How did it go?

  Ophelia

  you were right about hamlet. i have the txts to prove it.

  Polonius

  I’ll let the know.………

  Ophelia is listening to “Men Suck Breakup Mix.”

  Claudius

  ness in great 1s must be watched.

  REPLY

  Hamlet: Agreed.

  [Scene 2]

  Hamlet

  Horatio, I need to talk to you.

  Horatio

  What’s up? The is about to start and I want a good .

  Hamlet

  It’s about the ! I had the cast add a scene of my own , and I want you to watch the king’s face when that part is acted out. ? ? ?

  Horatio

  What kind of scene?

  Hamlet

  Basically the murder of my father in the . If my uncle looks guilty, we’ll know that the was telling the truth. Claudius is a murderer!

  Horatio

  Brilliant . I’ll keep my on him, and we’ll meet up after to discuss.

  Chat Server

  Elsinore Castle Theater Presents:

  The Murder of Gonzago REMIX

  Claudius: Show ! Every1 find ur seats.

  Hamlet: The setup is taking too long. Can’t they get on with it?

  Ophelia: stop posting and pay attention. it’ll be quick.

  Hamlet: Quick as a certain mother’s love?

  Rosencrantz: I’ll tell u what ur mother luvs.

  Horatio: Is it just me or does that actress look like the queen?

  Gertrude: I don’t see it. That actress complains too much. Probably lying.

  Polonius: I don’t get what’s going on. Some1 explain this 2 me!!!!!

  Hamlet: The actress is confessing her for her husband and saying that if he dies, then she’ll never remarry because that would be like him dying twice. Fidelity FTW.