srsly Hamlet Read online

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Carbone, Courtney.

  Srsly Hamlet / William Shakespeare and Courtney Carbone.

  pages cm.

  Summary: “William Shakespeare’s tragedy told in the style of texts, tweets, and status posts.” —Provided by publisher

  ISBN 978-0-553-53538-9 (trade) — ISBN 978-0-553-53547-1 (ebook)

  [1. Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616—Adaptations.] I. Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616. Hamlet. II. Title. III. Title: Seriously Hamlet. IV. Title: Hamlet.

  PZ7.C1863Sr 2015 [Fic]—dc23 2014041937

  Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.

  v4.1

  a

  To all my extraordinary English teachers,

  I’m sorry.

  —C.B.C.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Who’s Who

  Characters You Won’t Meet in This Book

  Act 1

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act 2

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Act 3

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act 4

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Act 5

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  The 411 for Those Not in the Know

  Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book

  About the Authors

  FOMO? Read on for a peek at YOLO Juliet

  Who’s Who

  Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

  The Ghost, Hamlet’s dead dad, the old King Hamlet

  Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mom, now married to Claudius

  King Claudius, Hamlet’s dad’s brother, Hamlet’s uncle and stepdad

  Ophelia

  Laertes, Ophelia’s brother

  Polonius, Ophelia and Laertes’s father, councillor to King Claudius

  Reynaldo, servant to Polonius

  Horatio, Hamlet’s friend

  Voltimand, member of the Danish court

  Cornelius, member of the Danish court

  Rosencrantz, member of the Danish court, Hamlet’s old friend

  Guildenstern, member of the Danish court, Hamlet’s old friend

  Francisco, Danish soldier

  Bernardo, Danish soldier

  Marcellus, Danish soldier

  Fortinbras, Prince of Norway

  Gravedigger

  Angry Mob

  Characters You Won’t Meet in This Book

  (aka People w/o Smartphones)

  Osric, member of the Danish court

  Gentlemen

  A Lord

  A Captain in Fortinbras’s army

  Ambassadors to Denmark from England

  Players who take the roles of Prologue, Player King, Player Queen, and Lucianus in The Murder of Gonzago

  Two Messengers

  Sailors

  Gravedigger’s companion

  Doctor of Divinity

  Attendants, Lords, Guards, Musicians, Laertes’s Followers, Soldiers, Officers

  [Scene 1]

  Bernardo

  almost there!!

  Francisco

  Who is this?

  Bernardo

  sry new #

  Francisco

  Bernardo?

  Bernardo

  yep. it’s after . go 2 bed!! i’ll take over.

  Francisco

  Thx, yeah I’m super .

  Bernardo

  lmk if you horatio or marcellus. they’re on 2nite 2.

  Francisco

  K

  Group text: Marcellus, Bernardo, Horatio

  Marcellus

  BRB. Bringing Horatio so he can c u-know-who.

  Bernardo

  the ?

  Marcellus

  Yup

  Horatio

  IF this is real, it’s 4 Denmark.

  BTW did you guys see the I posted this morning? www.​NorwegianNews.​com/​article/​Norway-​Pretending-​It-​Won-​War-​Against-​Denmark/

  Marcellus

  TL;DR. Can I get a recap??

  Horatio

  The late King Hamlet won a war against Norway’s late King Fortinbras, yes?

  Bernardo

  yeah, i know…but what were they late 4?

  Horatio

  SMH. That means dead.

  Bernardo

  ah…

  Horatio

  Anyway, King Hamlet defeated King Fortinbras fair and , but his son, Prince Fortinbras, is threatening to attack us to avenge his father’s death.

  Bernardo

  that can’t be good.

  Marcellus

  Horatio

  Speaking of which, when is this supposed to show? It’s out here!

  Bernardo

  yesterday he showed rite after the …kinda like the 1 ringing now…

  Marcellus

  OMG! Did you c that?!

  #NoFilter

  Bernardo

  holy !! it looks like a of the king!

  Marcellus

  Well, what do u have 2 say now, Horatio?

  Horatio

  Man. You were right.

  Marcellus

  And u were…?? Remind me. I forget!

  Horatio

  Relax. What do we do now?

  Marcellus

  it?

  Bernardo

  stab a ? u can’t kill something that’s already !!

  Horatio

  Too late! It’s gone. We have to tell Hamlet asap.

  Bernardo

  you’re rite. the will want 2 talk 2 his son.

  [Scene 2]

  Claudius

  RIP @KingHamlet. You’ll b missed.

  REPLY

  Claudius

  And now that funeral is over, let’s get on w/ the wedding! / Shout-out 2 my beautiful , @Gertrude. #blessed

  Gertrude likes this.

  REPLY

  Hamlet: Srsly?

  Group text: Claudius, Voltimand, Cornelius

  Claudius

  I need u guys.

  Voltimand

  What’s up?

  Claudius

  Did you c the link Horatio posted?

  Cornelius

  Yeah, everyone’s been talking about it.

  Claudius

  K well I didn’t read the whole , but it sounds like I need ppl 2 go 2 Norway, talk w/ Fortin
bras’s uncle, and convince him to keep his from attacking us. Can u do that 4 me?

  Voltimand

  Yeah, np.

  Cornelius

  We’ll catch the next .

  Claudius

  Thx. I’d do it myself but I have my 2nite.

  + i’m the king

  Group text: Laertes, Claudius, Polonius

  Laertes

  Your ness, I have something 2 ask of u.

  Claudius

  Yes?

  Laertes

  It’s been gr8 seeing u and everything, but now that it’s over, I’d like 2 go back 2 school in France.

  Claudius

  Polonius, wut do u think? Laertes

  Polonius

  by me.

  Claudius

  Laertes, u r free 2 go. Ttyl.

  Group text: Claudius, Hamlet, Gertrude

  Claudius

  Hamlet, my nephew/new son! Wut’s new?

  Hamlet

  That about covers it.

  Claudius

  Something wrong? Why is ur head still ?

  Hamlet

  Actually, I am too much in the . I can’t believe you people are like nothing happened.

  Gertrude

  Son, I wish you would . It’s common to . But everything that lives must eventually.

  Hamlet

  Common is one word for it.

  Gertrude

  Why do you seem to take it to ?

  Hamlet

  Seem? No, Mother. I don’t SEEM . I AM .

  Claudius

  Hamlet, really, it’s been 2 months already ! Move on! Look @ ur mother. She’s already remarried! Parents all the . I’m ur father now. Deal. 1 day you’ll be king just like me!!! !

  help me. God, I want to . I wish I could and not go to for killing myself. My dad hasn’t even been two months, and already everyone has forgotten about him. He was such an amazing , and he gets replaced by my uncle.

  Does no one remember how good my father was to my mother? I wish I didn’t have to about it. She was with him. And yet 2 s later she has completely moved on. How is that possible?? Even are more loyal than that. And not only does she move on, she MARRIES my father’s brother. My UNCLE. Who is the complete and total OPPOSITE of my father. Her were barely dry by the wedding. It’s too much too fast. (Also, kind of INCEST. Just saying.)

  It’s bad. And I know it will only get worse. And yet… as I am, there’s nothing I can do.

  Horatio

  Hey, stranger.

  Hamlet

  Horatio! Great to hear from you!

  Horatio

  Listen, I heard about your father. I’m so, so sorry. I’m in the to pay my respects.

  Hamlet

  Ha! More like you got an invite to my mother’s .

  Horatio

  SMH, one did quickly follow the other.

  Hamlet

  #understatement

  I’m pretty sure they used the same for both.

  You know, sometimes I think I still my father. Just can’t believe he’s gone.

  Horatio

  Funny you should that.

  Hamlet

  ?

  Horatio

  I think I saw him last night IRL.

  Hamlet

  Horatio

  This is going to sound , but long short, Marcellus and Bernardo saw his while on . They asked me to come for myself.

  On the third night, I went. Swear to God… was real.

  Hamlet

  I don’t know what to say.

  Are you going back tonight?

  Horatio

  Yes.

  Hamlet

  How did he look?

  Horatio

  More than .

  Hamlet

  or ?

  Horatio

  Hamlet

  I’ll go with you tonight. Maybe he’ll come back.

  Horatio

  I think he will.

  Hamlet

  The way I feel right now, the couldn’t keep me from talking to him.

  Let’s keep this between us.

  Horatio

  See you later.

  Hamlet

  I’ll be there before midnight.

  [Scene 3]

  Laertes

  Hey, sis, my is here. Don’t want 2 miss my 2 . I’m going 2 miss you so much. Promise me you’ll ?

  Ophelia

  don’t be silly. of course i will!

  Laertes

  And listen…there’s something else I want 2 talk 2 u about.

  Ophelia

  your excessive use of 2s???

  Laertes

  Ha. Ha. Ha.

  Ophelia

  i’m listening.…

  Laertes

  I know u have been hanging out w/ Hamlet a lot lately. I just want 2 make sure you’re not getting . Sure he might say he u now. But he’s the prince. His #1 priority is & always will b . Please just don’t get .

  Ophelia

  i know, i know. you have nothing to worry about.

  Laertes

  So you’ll b careful?

  Ophelia

  i have your words in my and you alone have the . but it goes both ways. you better stay out of trouble in !

  Laertes

  Polonius

  Son, b4 u go, I made this for u.

  Advice 4 Laertes on His Trip 2 :

  1. B careful what u say.

  2. b4 u act.

  3. B friendly, but not 2 friendly.

  4. Hold on 2 good friends , but don’t waste ur on every new person that comes into ur life.

  5. Stay out of fights. But if u find urself in 1 anyway, kick some ***.

  6. Listen 2 every1, but don’t waste & energy on ppl who don’t deserve it.

  7. what other ppl do, but don’t them.

  8. Dress nicely, but don’t go overboard. (u know how ppl are.)

  9. Don’t borrow or lend 2 friends or u might lose both. And/or u might start 2 resent them. And/or they might start 2 resent u!

  10. Above all: b true 2 urself. If u are completely urself, then u b fake 2 any1!!

  Laertes

  Thx, Dad. I’ll let u know when I get there.

  Polonius

  Good luck!

  Group text: Laertes, Ophelia, Polonius

  Laertes

  About 2 board. Bye, guys. Ophelia, remember wut I said!!

  Ophelia

  xoxo

  Polonius

  U can tell me what that was about when I get .

  Ophelia

  sigh. if you must know, it was about hamlet.

  Polonius

  I knew it. U 2 have been spending a lot of 2gether. What’s going on? & don’t u dare lie 2 me!

  Ophelia

  dad, it’s just…

  he me.

  Polonius

  He probably CANOODLING w/ u!

  Ophelia

  ew. dad. please don’t ever say something like that again.

  Polonius

  Don’t b naïve. He’s the prince! Do I need 2 make U a of advice like ur brother?! That’s it. U r forbidden 2 speak 2 Hamlet ever again.

  Ophelia

  dad, stop. you’re overreacting. he’s serious about me. soon??

  Polonius

  You rly don’t have a choice. This ends NOW, Ophelia.

  Ophelia

  fine. but he’s not gonna like it.