Henry IV, Part 1 (Folger Shakespeare Library) Page 7

  thousand pound this morning.

  PRINCE HENRY Where is it, Jack? Where is it?

  FALSTAFF Where is it? Taken from us it is: a hundred upon

  poor four of us.

  PRINCE HENRY What, a hundred, man?

  FALSTAFF I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a

  dozen of them two hours together. I have scaped by miracle.

  I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through

  the hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword

  hacked like a hand-saw -- ecce signum! I never dealt better

  since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards!

  Let them speak; if they speak more or less than truth, they

  are villains and the sons of darkness.

  PRINCE HENRY Speak, sirs, how was it?

  GADSHILL We four set upon some dozen--

  FALSTAFF Sixteen at least, my lord.

  GADSHILL And bound them.

  PETO No, no, they were not bound.

  FALSTAFF You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or

  I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.

  GADSHILL As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set

  upon us--

  FALSTAFF And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.

  PRINCE HENRY What, fought ye with them all?

  FALSTAFF All? I know not what ye call all, but if I fought not

  with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if there were not

  two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-

  legged creature.

  POINS Pray heaven you have not murdered some of them.

  FALSTAFF Nay, that's past praying for, I have peppered two of

  them: two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram

  suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face,

  call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward. Here I lay and

  thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive

  at me--

  PRINCE HENRY What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.

  FALSTAFF Four, Hal, I told thee four.

  POINS Ay, ay, he said four.

  FALSTAFF These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at

  me. I made no more ado but took all their seven points in my

  target, thus.

  PRINCE HENRY Seven? Why, there were but four even now.

  FALSTAFF In buckram?

  POINS Ay, four, in buckram suits.

  FALSTAFF Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

  PRINCE HENRY Prithee let him alone. We shall

  Aside to Poins

  have more anon.

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear me, Hal?

  PRINCE HENRY Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

  FALSTAFF Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in

  buckram that I told thee of--

  PRINCE HENRY So, two more already.

  FALSTAFF Their points being broken--

  POINS Down fell his hose.

  FALSTAFF Began to give me ground. But I followed me close,

  came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the

  eleven I paid.

  PRINCE HENRY O, monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of

  two?

  FALSTAFF But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten

  knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me;

  for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

  PRINCE HENRY These lies are like the father that begets them,

  gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained

  guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene,

  greasy tallow-catch--

  FALSTAFF What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth

  the truth?

  PRINCE HENRY Why, how couldst thou know these men in

  Kendal green when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy

  hand? Come, tell us your reason: what say'st thou to this?

  POINS Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

  FALSTAFF What, upon compulsion? No. Were I at the

  strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you

  on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? If reasons

  were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a

  reason upon compulsion, I.

  PRINCE HENRY I'll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine

  coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge

  hill of flesh--

  FALSTAFF Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's

  tongue, bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O, for breath to utter

  what is like thee! You tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase,

  you vile standing-tuck--

  PRINCE HENRY Well, breathe awhile, and then to't again: and

  when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me

  speak but thus.

  POINS Mark, Jack.

  PRINCE HENRY We two saw you four set on four and bound

  them, and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a

  plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you

  four, and with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and

  have it, yea, and can show it you in the house. And, Falstaff,

  you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick

  dexterity, and roared for mercy and still ran and roared, as

  ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy

  sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What

  trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou now find

  out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

  POINS Come, let's hear, Jack: what trick hast thou now?

  FALSTAFF I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye,

  my masters, was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I

  turn upon the true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as

  valiant as Hercules, but beware instinct. The lion will not

  touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter. I was a

  coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and

  thee during my life: I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true

  prince. But, lads, I am glad you have the money.-- Hostess,

  clap to the doors. Watch tonight, pray tomorrow. Gallants,

  lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the good titles of fellowship

  come to you! What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play

  extempore?

  PRINCE HENRY Content, and the argument shall be thy running

  away.

  FALSTAFF Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!

  Enter Hostess [Quickly]

  HOSTESS QUICKLY My lord the prince?

  PRINCE HENRY How now, my lady the hostess? What say'st thou

  to me?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the

  court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from

  your father.

  PRINCE HENRY Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and

  send him back again to my mother.

  FALSTAFF What manner of man is he?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY An old man.

  FALSTAFF What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall

  I give him his answer?

  PRINCE HENRY Prithee do, Jack.

  FALSTAFF 'Faith, and I'll send him packing.

  Exit

  PRINCE HENRY Now, sirs: you fought fair; so did you, Peto, so did

  you, Bardolph. You are lions too, you ran away upon

  instinct. You will not touch the true prince; no, fie!

  BARDOLPH 'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

  PRINCE HENRY Tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's

  sword so hacked?

/>   PETO Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he

  would swear truth out of England but he would make you

  believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

  BARDOLPH Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to

  make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with

  it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not

  this seven years before, I blushed to hear his monstrous

  devices.

  PRINCE HENRY O, villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen

  years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since

  thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on

  thy side, and yet thou ran'st away; what instinct hadst thou

  for it?

  BARDOLPH My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold

  these exhalations?

  PRINCE HENRY I do.

  BARDOLPH What think you they portend?

  PRINCE HENRY Hot livers and cold purses.

  BARDOLPH Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

  PRINCE HENRY No, if rightly taken, halter.

  Enter Falstaff

  Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.-- How now,

  my sweet creature of bombast? How long is't ago, Jack, since

  thou saw'st thine own knee?

  FALSTAFF My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I

  was not an eagle's talon in the waist. I could have crept into

  any alderman's thumb-ring. A plague of sighing and grief ! It

  blows a man up like a bladder. There's villainous news

  abroad: here was Sir John Braby from your father; you must

  go to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the

  north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the

  bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the devil his

  true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook -- what a

  plague call you him?

  POINS O, Glendower.

  FALSTAFF Owen, Owen the same, and his son-in-law Mortimer,

  and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots,

  Douglas, that runs o'horseback up a hill perpendicular--

  PRINCE HENRY He that rides at high speed and with a pistol kills

  a sparrow flying.

  FALSTAFF You have hit it.

  PRINCE HENRY So did he never the sparrow.

  FALSTAFF Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him. He will

  not run.

  PRINCE HENRY Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him

  so for running?

  FALSTAFF A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge

  a foot.

  PRINCE HENRY Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

  FALSTAFF I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and

  one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is

  stolen away by night. Thy father's beard is turned white with

  the news; you may buy land now as cheap as stinking

  mackerel.

  PRINCE HENRY Then 'tis like, if there come a hot sun and this

  civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy

  hob-nails, by the hundreds.

  FALSTAFF By the mass, lad, thou say'st true. It is like we shall

  have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou

  horrible afeard? Thou being heir apparent, could the world

  pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend

  Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art not

  thou horrible afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at it?

  PRINCE HENRY Not a whit, I lack some of thy instinct.

  FALSTAFF Well, thou wilt be horrible chid tomorrow when

  thou comest to thy father: if thou do love me, practise an

  answer.

  PRINCE HENRY Do thou stand for my father, and examine me

  upon the particulars of my life.

  FALSTAFF Shall I? Content. This chair shall be my state, this

  dagger my sceptre and this cushion my crown.

  PRINCE HENRY Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden

  sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a

  pitiful bald crown.

  FALSTAFF Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,

  now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make

  mine eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I

  must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses'

  vein.

  PRINCE HENRY Well, here is my leg.

  He bows or kneels

  FALSTAFF And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY This is excellent sport, i'faith!

  FALSTAFF Weep not, sweet queen, for trickling tears are vain.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY O, the father, how he holds his countenance!

  FALSTAFF For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen,

  For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.

  HOSTESS QUICKLY O, rare, he doth it as like one of these harlotry

  players as ever I see!

  FALSTAFF Peace, good pint-pot, peace, good

  |Quickly may exit, perhaps escorted by Bardolph|

  tickle-brain.-- Harry, I do not only marvel

  where thou spendest thy time, but also how

  thou art accompanied, for though the camomile, the more it

  is trodden the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted

  the sooner it wears. Thou art my son, I have partly thy

  mother's word, partly my opinion, but chiefly a villainous

  trick of thine eye and a foolish hanging of thy nether lip that

  doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lieth the

  point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the

  blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries?

  A question not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a

  thief and take purses? A question to be asked. There is a

  thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known

  to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as

  ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company

  thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink

  but in tears: not in pleasure but in passion: not in words only,

  but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I

  have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

  PRINCE HENRY What manner of man, an it like your majesty?

  FALSTAFF A goodly portly man, i'faith, and a corpulent: of a

  cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage, and

  as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining to

  threescore; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff. If

  that man should be lewdly given, he deceives me; for, Harry,

  I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the

  fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it,

  there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish.

  And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast

  thou been this month?

  PRINCE HENRY Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for

  me, and I'll play my father.

  FALSTAFF Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so

  majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the

  heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare.

  PRINCE HENRY Well, here I am set.

  FALSTAFF And here I stand. Judge, my masters.

  PRINCE HENRY Now, Harry, whence come you?

  FALSTAFF My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

  PRINCE HENRY The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

>   FALSTAFF I'faith, my lord, they are false. -- Nay, I'll tickle ye

  for a young prince.

  PRINCE HENRY Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth ne'er

  look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace: there

  is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of a fat old man; a

  tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with

  that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that

  swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that

  stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with

  the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that grey Iniquity,

  that father Ruffian, that Vanity in years? Wherein is he good,

  but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but

  to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft?

  Wherein crafty, but in villainy? Wherein villainous, but in all

  things? Wherein worthy, but in nothing?

  FALSTAFF I would your grace would take me with you: whom

  means your grace?

  PRINCE HENRY That villainous abominable misleader of youth,

  Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

  FALSTAFF My lord, the man I know.

  PRINCE HENRY I know thou dost.

  FALSTAFF But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,

  were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the

  pity, his white hairs do witness it. But that he is, saving your

  reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and

  sugar be a fault, heaven help the wicked: if to be old and

  merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is

  damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine

  are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish

  Bardolph, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack

  Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore

  more valiant, being, as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not him

  thy Harry's company, banish not him thy Harry's company:

  banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

  PRINCE HENRY I do, I will.

  Knocking

  Enter Bardolph, running

  BARDOLPH O, my lord, my lord! The sheriff with a most

  monstrous watch is at the door.

  FALSTAFF Out, you rogue!-- Play out the play: I have much to

  say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

  Enter the Hostess [Quickly]

  HOSTESS QUICKLY O, my lord, my lord!

  PRINCE HENRY Heigh, heigh! The devil rides upon a fiddlestick.

  What's the matter?

  HOSTESS QUICKLY The sheriff and all the watch are at the door:

  they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

  FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a

  counterfeit: thou art essentially made, without seeming so.

  PRINCE HENRY And thou a natural coward, without instinct.

  FALSTAFF I deny your major. If you will deny the sheriff, so: if

  not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another

  man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be

  strangled with a halter as another.