As You Like It Page 7
manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the
behaviour of the country is most mockable at the court. You
told me you salute not at the court, but you kiss43 your hands;
that courtesy would be uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.
TOUCHSTONE Instance45, briefly. Come, instance.
CORIN Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their fells46,
you know are greasy.
TOUCHSTONE Why, do not your courtier’s hands sweat? And is
not the grease49 of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of a
man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say, come.
CORIN Besides, our hands are hard.
TOUCHSTONE Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.
A more sounder instance, come.
CORIN And they are often tarred over with the surgery of54
our sheep, and would you have us kiss tar? The courtier’s
hands are perfumed with civet56.
TOUCHSTONE Most shallow man! Thou worms-meat in respect57
of a good piece of flesh indeed. Learn of the wise, and
perpend59: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the very uncleanly
flux of a cat. Mend60 the instance, shepherd.
CORIN You have too courtly a wit for me. I’ll rest61.
TOUCHSTONE Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow
man. God make incision in thee. Thou art raw63.
CORIN Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get64 that I
wear, owe no man hate, envy no man’s happiness, glad of
other men’s good, content with my harm66, and the greatest of
my pride is to see my ewes graze and my lambs suck.
TOUCHSTONE That is another simple68 sin in you: to bring the
ewes and the rams together and to offer69 to get your living by
the copulation of cattle, to be bawd to a bell-wether70, and to
betray a she-lamb of a twelvemonth to a crooked-pated71, old,
cuckoldly ram, out of72 all reasonable match. If thou be’st not
damned for this, the devil himself will have no shepherds. I
cannot see else how thou shouldst scape.
CORIN Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new
mistress’ brother.
With a paper
Enter Rosalind
Reads
ROSALIND ‘From the east to western Ind77,
No jewel is like Rosalind.
Her worth, being mounted on the wind,
Through all the world bears Rosalind.
All the pictures fairest lined81
Are but black to82 Rosalind.
Let no face be kept in mind
But the fair84 of Rosalind.’
TOUCHSTONE I’ll rhyme you so eight years together85, dinners and
suppers and sleeping-hours excepted. It is the right butter-86
women’s rank87 to market.
ROSALIND Out, fool!
TOUCHSTONE For a taste:
If a hart do lack a hind90,
Let him seek out Rosalind.
If the cat will after kind92,
So be sure will Rosalind.
Wintered garments must be lined94,
So must slender Rosalind.
They that reap must sheaf and bind96,
Then to cart97 with Rosalind.
Sweetest nut98 hath sourest rind,
Such a nut is Rosalind.
He that sweetest rose100 will find
Must find love’s prick101 and Rosalind.
This is the very false gallop102 of verses. Why do you infect
yourself with them?
ROSALIND Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.
TOUCHSTONE Truly the tree yields bad fruit105.
ROSALIND I’ll graff106 it with you, and then I shall graff it with a
medlar107. Then it will be the earliest fruit i’th’country, for
you’ll be rotten ere you be half ripe, and that’s the right108
virtue of the medlar.
TOUCHSTONE You have said, but whether wisely or no, let the
forest judge.
Enter Celia, with a writing
They stand aside
ROSALIND Peace! Here comes my sister, reading. Stand aside.
Reads
CELIA ‘Why should this a desert be?
For114 it is unpeopled? No.
Tongues I’ll hang on every tree
That shall civil sayings116 show.
Some, how brief the life of man
Runs his erring118 pilgrimage,
That the stretching of a span119
Buckles in120 his sum of age.
Some, of violated vows
’Twixt the souls of friend and friend:
But upon the fairest boughs,
Or at every sentence end,
Will I Rosalinda write,
Teaching all that read to know
The quintessence of every sprite127
Heaven would in little128 show.
Therefore heaven Nature charged129
That one body should be filled
With all graces wide-enlarged131.
Nature presently132 distilled
Helen’s cheek, but not her heart133,
Cleopatra’s134 majesty,
Atalanta’s better part135,
Sad Lucretia’s modesty136.
Thus Rosalind of many parts
By heavenly synod138 was devised,
Of many faces, eyes and hearts,
To have the touches140 dearest prized.
Heaven would141 that she these gifts should have,
And I to142 live and die her slave.’
Steps forward
ROSALIND O most gentle Jupiter143! What tedious
homily of love have you wearied your parishioners withal,
and never cried ‘Have patience, good people!’
CELIA How now? Back146, friends. Shepherd, go off a little.—
To Touchstone
Go with him, sirrah147.
TOUCHSTONE Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable
retreat, though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and149
scrippage.
Exeunt [Corin and Touchstone]
CELIA Didst thou hear these verses?
ROSALIND O, yes, I heard them all, and more too, for some of
them had in them more feet153 than the verses would bear.
CELIA That’s no matter: the feet might bear the verses.
ROSALIND Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear
themselves without the verse, and therefore stood lamely in
the verse.
CELIA But didst thou hear without wondering how thy
name should be hanged and carved upon these trees?
ROSALIND I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder160
before you came, for look here what I found on a palm-tree. I
was never so berhymed since Pythagoras’ time that162 I was an
Irish rat163, which I can hardly remember.
CELIA Trow164 you who hath done this?
ROSALIND Is it a man?
CELIA And a chain166, that you once wore, about his neck.
Change you colour?167
ROSALIND I prithee who?
CELIA O lord, lord! It is a hard matter for friends to meet169;
but mountains may be removed with earthquakes and so
encounter.169
ROSALIND Nay, but who is it?
CELIA Is it possible173?
ROSALIND
Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence174,
tell me who it is.
CELIA O wonderful176, wonderful, and most wonderful
wonderful! And yet again wonderful, and after that, out of177
all whooping!
ROSALIND Good my complexion!179 Dost thou think, though I am
caparisoned180 like a man, I have a doublet and hose in my
disposition? One inch of delay more is a South Sea of181
discovery. I prithee tell me who is it quickly, and speak apace182.
I would thou couldst stammer, that thou mightst pour this
concealed man out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a
narrow-mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at
all. I prithee take the cork out of thy mouth that I may drink
thy tidings.
CELIA So you may put a man in your belly188.
ROSALIND Is he of God’s making189? What manner of man? Is his
head worth a hat? Or his chin worth a beard?
CELIA Nay, he hath but a little beard.
ROSALIND Why, God will send more, if the man will be
thankful: let me stay193 the growth of his beard, if thou delay
me not the knowledge of his chin.
CELIA It is young Orlando that tripped up the wrestler’s
heels and your heart both in an instant.
ROSALIND Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow197
and true maid.
CELIA I’faith, coz, ’tis he.
ROSALIND Orlando?
CELIA Orlando.
ROSALIND Alas the day! What shall I do with my doublet and
hose? What did he when thou saw’st him? What said he?
How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes he204 here? Did
he ask for me? Where remains he? How parted he with thee?
And when shalt thou see him again? Answer me in one
word.
CELIA You must borrow me Gargantua’s208 mouth first: ’tis a
word too great for any mouth of this age’s size. To say ay and
no to these particulars is more than to answer in a catechism210.
ROSALIND But doth he know that I am in this forest and in
man’s apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the day he
wrestled?
CELIA It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the214
propositions of a lover, but take a taste of my finding him,
and relish it with good observance216. I found him under a tree,
like a dropped acorn.
ROSALIND It may well be called Jove’s tree218, when it drops forth
Aside?
such fruit.
CELIA Give me audience220, good madam.
ROSALIND Proceed.
CELIA There lay he, stretched along222, like a wounded knight.
ROSALIND Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well becomes
the ground.
CELIA Cry ‘holla’ to the tongue, I prithee. It curvets225
unseasonably. He was furnished226 like a hunter.
ROSALIND O, ominous! He comes to kill my heart227.
CELIA I would sing my song without a burden228. Thou
bringest me out of tune.
ROSALIND Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I
must speak. Sweet, say on.
Enter Orlando and Jaques
CELIA You bring me out. Soft!232 Comes he not here?
They stand aside
ROSALIND ’Tis he. Slink by, and note him.
To Orlando
JAQUES I thank you for your company, but, good
faith, I had as lief235 have been myself alone.
ORLANDO And so had I, but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you
too for your society237.
JAQUES God buy you. Let’s meet as little as we can.
ORLANDO I do desire we may be better strangers.
JAQUES I pray you mar no more trees with writing love-
songs in their barks.
ORLANDO I pray you mar no more of my verses with reading
them ill-favouredly243.
JAQUES Rosalind is your love’s name?
ORLANDO Yes, just245.
JAQUES I do not like her name.
ORLANDO There was no thought of pleasing you when she
was christened.
JAQUES What stature is she of?
ORLANDO Just as high as my heart.
JAQUES You are full of pretty251 answers. Have you not been
acquainted with goldsmiths’ wives, and conned252 them out of
rings253?
ORLANDO Not so, but I answer you right painted cloth254, from
whence you have studied your questions255.
JAQUES You have a nimble wit; I think ’twas made of
Atalanta’s257 heels. Will you sit down with me? And we two will
rail against our mistress the world and all our misery.
ORLANDO I will chide no breather259 in the world but myself,
against whom I know most faults.
JAQUES The worst fault you have is to be in love.
ORLANDO ’Tis a fault I will not change262 for your best virtue. I
am weary of you.
JAQUES By my troth264, I was seeking for a fool when I found
you.
ORLANDO He is drowned in the brook. Look but in, and you
shall see him.
JAQUES There I shall see mine own figure268.
ORLANDO Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher269.
JAQUES I’ll tarry no longer with you. Farewell, good Signior
Love.
ORLANDO I am glad of your departure. Adieu, good Monsieur
Melancholy.
[Exit Jaques]
Aside to Celia
ROSALIND I will speak to him like a saucy lackey274,
and under that habit play the knave275 with him.— Do you
hear, forester?
ORLANDO Very well. What would you?
ROSALIND I pray you, what is’t o’clock?
ORLANDO You should ask me what time o’day: there’s no clock
in the forest.
ROSALIND Then there is no true lover in the forest, else sighing
every minute and groaning every hour would detect282 the lazy
foot of time as well as a clock.
ORLANDO And why not the swift foot of time? Had not that
been as proper?
ROSALIND By no means, sir; time travels in divers286 paces with
divers persons. I’ll tell you who time ambles withal, who time
trots withal, who time gallops withal and who he stands still
withal.
ORLANDO I prithee, who doth he trot withal?
ROSALIND Marry, he trots hard291 with a young maid between
the contract of her marriage292 and the day it is solemnized. If
the interim be but a se’nnight293, time’s pace is so hard that it
seems the length of seven year.
ORLANDO Who ambles time withal?
ROSALIND With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that
hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because he
cannot study, and the other lives merrily because he feels no
pain: the one lacking the burden of lean and wasteful299
penury. These time ambles withal.
ORLANDO Who doth he gallop withal?
ROSALIND With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as
softly304 as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.
ORLANDO Who stays it still withal?
ROSALIND With lawyers in the vacation306, for they sleep between
term307 and term, and then they perceive not how time moves.
ORLANDO Where dwell you, pretty youth?
ROSALIND With this shepherdess, my sister, here in the skirts309 of
the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.
ORLANDO Are you native of this place?
ROSALIND As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled312.
ORLANDO Your accent is something finer than you could
purchase in so removed314 a dwelling.
ROSALIND I have been told so of many: but indeed an old
religious316 uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was in his
youth an inland man, one that knew courtship317 too well, for
there he fell in love. I have heard him read many lectures
against it, and I thank God I am not a woman, to be touched319
with so many giddy offences as he hath generally320 taxed their
whole sex withal.
ORLANDO Can you remember any of the principal evils that he
laid to the charge of women?
ROSALIND There were none principal. They were all like one
another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming
monstrous till his326 fellow fault came to match it.
ORLANDO I prithee recount some of them.
ROSALIND No, I will not cast away my physic328 but on those that
are sick. There is a man haunts329 the forest that abuses our
young plants with carving ‘Rosalind’ on their barks; hangs
odes upon hawthorns and elegies on brambles; all, forsooth,
deifying the name of Rosalind. If I could meet that fancy-332
monger, I would give him some good counsel, for he seems to
have the quotidian334 of love upon him.
ORLANDO I am he that is so love-shaked. I pray you tell me
your remedy.
ROSALIND There is none of my uncle’s marks337 upon you: he
taught me how to know a man in love, in which cage of338
rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.
ORLANDO What were his marks?